What did you think it would be like?
Before you ever actually had sex, how would you have imagined and expected a typical encounter for you to go? (This question came to me while answering the QOTD 1-24-2020 because I noticed some of my expectations–and thereby my view of how “normal” our actual experience is were a bit skewed.) On what was your picture/expectation based?
What were you wrong about? What were you right about? Is there anything you expected that you are disappointed to not find true? Did anything surprise you as better than you thought it would be?
I don’t know if this is exactly what you are looking for, but I expected for me to desire sex regularly and often, I had no clue my desire would ebb so quickly into our marriage. Media may have influenced my thinking, but I believe I was going off of my own sexual desires as a teen. I don’t think I had a lot of expectations of him, except for him to intuitively know what I needed and wanted. I felt he learned to read me well, but now I know he felt a lot of uncertainty…and still can.
I may have thought we would have a lot more sex up against a wall 😀 ….that would be a total influence from media (movies, TV, magazines, photos, books, etc.)… I am not sure we have ever pulled of having sex against a wall.
Oh, also, that we would fervantly want to rip each others clothes off to have heated sex at different times…. that takes a little more extreme, expressive emotion than I operate with. I overestimated myself.
As a teenager, I read two sex manuals I found in my parent’s bedroom. One was ‘The Joy of Sex’, and one was a book authored by Christians (I forget the name. It may have been ‘The Act of Marriage). ‘The Act of Marriage’ provided lots of information on what to expect, what foreplay was like, etc., so I was kind of prepared with regard to the need an importance of proper foreplay, etc. What I was not prepared for was my wife having arousal problems, even after (what I thought) was sufficient foreplay, and who was so nervous we could not attempt PIV for many weeks later. There may have been a chapter on these kind of problems in ‘The Act of Marriage’, but if there were I did not remember them. Praise God, as I have recounted here before, things are much better for us sexually at this point in time, though it took us awhile.
Once we were able to have PIV sex, I found the experience was WAY more amazing and intense than I thought it would be. In particular, I was and still am fascinated and entranced by my DW’s flower (the sight, the smell, the feel) , and after 29 years of marriage I still thrill with the anticipation of making love with her.
My perceptions were based on what I had heard others talk about, a few books that I had read, some of what I had seen in movies (but I hadn’t seen many movies) and partially from the animal world!
I expected it to be frequent, passionate, impromptu, and meaningful. It was passionate and meaningful. But at times not that frequent or as spontaneous as I had expected.
I didn’t realize that it would be messy, or that for some people it can be painful. I hadn’t thought of what periods, hormone fluctuation, aging, etc. could do to the experience of marital sex. Nor did I have an idea how fully sexual enjoyment and frequency was connected to the emotional state of the marriage relationship.
It surprised me that it wasn’t as easy as I had imagined it would be and that it took time and practice to get better at it.
And I didn’t realize that there would come a day when we would be talking about all these things at TMB so freely and beneficially!! 😀
When I got engaged, basically all I thought about sex was that it was for the husband. I didn’t even know that men had erections. I also remember thinking that I love this man so much, I can have 5 minutes of sex twice a week for him. After all, men need it twice a week. I also figured I’d be kind of tired of sex and marriage after a couple weeks!
Than someone gave me a book on sex. Was I ever surprised and I saw how wrong I was! Was I ever surprised to find out that what I had while mb’ing, were O’s! I was completely blown away at what sex really all entailed.
Years later, I am still amazed at how much sex can affect the whole relationship.
I was wrong about it being a mind-blowing orgasmic experience as I had expected the first time or for a long time. We had read “The Act of Marriage” by La Haye and believed that a bund of sexual expressions, forms and techniques were open to us. I was wrong about that also. I did not expect to have sex any number of times before marriage but soon grew to want that, apparently, I was wrong about this also.
I was right that it was an incredible bonding, loving, spiritual experience, God-given blessing.
I was disappointed that my DW did not take to all manner of sexual expression in the bedroom, oral, anal, lingerie, etc. I was disappointed that as much as I was willing to sacrifice and give to her, she, in turn, found no desire in.
Her nakedness was better than I thought it would be, still is.
I thought that people started out kissing fairly calmly, then moved to the sort of eat-your-face-off kiss you see on TV, then started ripping each others’ clothes off, climbed into bed, slid their hands all over each other a bit, then the man climbed on top, plunged in, and pumped for however long it took for the woman to have an orgasm (probably 5-10 minutes) at which point they both Oed together and then flopped back panting. I also thought they could take a 10 or 15 minute break and go again, all night long. 😛
I think the foreplay part was based on TV shows where there would be scenes I called the cut-to-morning scenes. You would see the couple kissing passionately in or near the bed and then suddenly it was morning and they had obviously slept in the same bed. Then there was the cartoon book that described the process as rubbing against a tickly feeling until all the tickles came together, something like a sneeze, and obviously this book didn’t go into a lot of how to make it good detail, just one picture of a naked couple with the man on top before cutting to the diagrams about fetal development. I knew roughly how long it took me to bring my own tickle to the relief of a sneeze, so I just assumed that’s how long people did it. I guess I thought the break and go was the reason people (again, probably on TV) could talk about ML “all night long”.
The revelation I had on the other question is that I think all this time I have, in the back of my mind, been trying to make our experience match that expectation. Anything we do that doesn’t fit that script has been–subconsciously–a substitute for the way it’s “supposed” to happen. I never realized I was doing that, but when I read all those responses about timing–why these did it and not other things I’ve read in the last 9 or so months I’ve been here, I don’t know–it hit me suddenly that I have almost certainly placed limitations on our experiences because they don’t seem to lead us any closer to that “right” scenario that I formed from ridiculous notions!
The one thing in particular that hit me was when I was writing how I want to catch my breath instead of letting him linger and thinking how sometimes he wants to take a break to let me catch my breath and then do PIV, but I have been opposed to a break because of a long ago idea to try to get our Os almost simultaneous by having him slip in and try to go while I was still going. And I never stopped thinking that way! But that’s stupid! The whole scenario I imagined is unrealistic and quite frankly, upon really looking at it…BORING!!
I’m just laughing in amazement now.
As a male, I thought we would have sex 3 or 4 times a week and that it was really never off the table at bedtime. My wife on the other hand wasn’t having that and very quickly said once a week was “plenty”, maybe twice, but the once a week was weekend only and not much during the week.
Also, like most young men, I masturbated before marriage and believed after marriage I wouldn’t be doing that anymore. When I got married, I fully intended stop that habit. I knew it would be difficult, but was resolved to do so. And I didn’t for a long while, but after getting the once a week sex, it was difficult to not go back to my old ways.
The actual physical act was a little different than what I had expected, but I didn’t really know what to expect anyway, except that I would like it. And I sure did!
What I did not expect, like some others, is how difficult my wife would find it. Despite premarital counseling and our own talking before marriage, she found the actual physical act overwhelming and (though this was only clear later) it triggered past emotional struggles. It became a source of stress as much as relief and pleasure to her.
I did not help things because, while I was certainly aware sex might not be perfect from the start and that we would have to work at it, I took a relentless top-priority-let’s-fix-this-now attitude that only increased her stress. Because. I had assumed all sex problems could be solved, I couldn’t understand her deep issues . I got angry that she didn’t respond the way books like The Act of Marriage said she would. Two decades later we are still working on this.
I remember feeling inadequate when I realized she was not getting much pleasure from PIV sex. I thought if I could only go for a long time she’d get there, therefore I must be a horrible lover. Was also very confused and disappointed that she didn’t seem to want to do it often. A couple times a week seemed like plenty to her, but I had thought newlyweds were supposed to want to wear the sheets out.