What does healthy emotional connection/intimacy look like the longer one is married?
It was suggested to make this question have its own thread. I originally asked it in my other question thread that you can find HERE, if you desire any context.
If a marriage is healthy, the longer you are married, I believe the more “one” you become. But what does this look like? What’s healthy and what’s unhealthy?
I always think that a healthy emotional connection eventually will have a couple completely vulnerable with each other. Maybe entirely free to share every last bit of their hearts and lives with each other without feeling any bit of fear or foolishness over what the other might think or say. Yet not so stuck together that one cannot be with his/her friends by themselves. We are not there yet. For example, this is what I sometimes wonder about in our marriage. I don’t tell DH all the stuff I post on here. He knows I come here lots, but occasionally when I mention something or ask him a question, he wonders where that question came from or why anyone would come up with that. Lol so I stick with the tamer stuff. Now he is part of a couple group chats.(I don’t do chats, myself.)
I hate it when he listens to all those voice messages in my presence, because it seriously grates on me and the stuff that gets talked about couldn’t be more boring to me. So if he decides to listen to them in the house, he will sneak off to our bedroom. And I have told him quite plainly he is not to share anything about me, which he wouldn’t, but I still remind him occasionally.
But, to me, if we had a completely healthy emotional connection, I would feel free to share anything off TMB that I felt like. I am not talking about rattling his ears off and telling him everything I read and post. Its not his interest. He would also feel completely free to say hey, this is what so-and-so said today, also without me thinking it was strange and asking if none of them had to work for a living since some are always posting messages. Neither would I worry about anything he might say about me because I would trust him implicitly. We have actually discussed this some, but haven’t come to a conclusion yet on how to improve this area.
@SC, I agree that becoming more “one” would be a major part of it.
Another part of it would be becoming more understanding and even empathetic toward your spouse. Because if the two are one, they would understand how the hurt or need the other is experiencing is really also their need. To leave it unattended to is hurting them both and their oneness.
Also, I believe they would end up enjoying the interests, hobbies, etc. of their spouse more. They would value what the other values.
I think the single most important metric is TRUST.
Trust that I am understood by her and her belief that she is understood by me.
Her trust that I always have her best interest in mind and vice versa.
Trust that we are honest with each other always – not necessarily that we “tell each other everything” but that whatever we do tell each other is the honest to God truth as best we know it. And that we know when we should “tell each other everything” about something, and do, even when it hurts or is embarrassing.
Trust that even when it may appear not to be the case, it is.
Actually – I think it means more perfect differentiation, in the “Schnarch” sense of the word. I would add “easy, peaceful differentiation.” Some of the closest times I feel with my wife is when we are sitting on the porch swing or rocker, quietly discussing some topic of either or both interests. Both being oneself, but understanding the other without a lot of working at it. I think that typically only comes with time coupled with intentionality. I do like @Brynna ‘s opening comments about full vulnerability – very applicable.
The problem often arises when two people know each other so well, they also know how to push the others buttons – intentionally or otherwise.