What “gamechangers” have you had in your MB?
I ask because DW and I were virgins on our wedding night, and she was pretty opposed to doing anything that wasn’t missionary sex when we were first married. That gave way to other positions later on, but it wasn’t until about year 4 (just after our first child was born, and she was having a lot of pain during intercourse) that I convinced her to let me try giving her OS as foreplay. That was a total gamechanger, both in pleasure for her and allowing her vagina to “open up” and enjoy intercourse again.
The same could be said for toys at approximately year 10. She was pretty opposed to it until I finally convinced her to try a small vibrator during LM…….once she worked through all the negative stigma she had in her head about toys, they became a wonderful addition to our MB. She even uses them solo occasionally, which I have always supported and encouraged.
Part of me is glad that we had those revelations, and part of me thinks that sex could have been so much better for my wife if we had been liberated enough that I could have given her OS on our wedding night, for example. So, not that things are stale now, but I can’t help but wonder what else we are missing out on. Time will tell if there’s other stuff or if we are at our peak of activities so to speak.
The first time we got a hotel room (where we had privacy from the kids) and hubby slowly teased me… that changed everything! We didn’t really know what foreplay was or the importance of building sexual tension. I finally learned how to O and it rocked our MB.
I’d say using some toys has been a “game-changer” for DW. I enjoy the novelty and variety but some of the toys are just plain pleasurable for DW (Liberator’s Doggy Rider belt and other furniture) and other’s have unleashed the “inner beast” of pleasure in DW like our cheap insertable “rabbit-style” g-spot vibrator or we-vibe chorus.
But to be honest, the biggest “game-changer” for us has been connecting with her heart emotionally and the communication and decisions we made about sex…before marriage regarding sexpectations, frequency, acts, what sex means, what sex communicates, etc. AND the ONGOING communication and investment we make on a regular basis (even weekly) to maintain and grow our emotional AND physical intimacy.
Yes, you cannot go back and change how you started BUT you can start today learning to grow your heart and mind emotionally and sexually and learning how to communicate those things to each other. That is a game-changer that sadly, many couple never learn to navigate well…or even at all. Co-creating solutions and learning to generously & sacrificially give as well as hold each other accountable for poor behavior or broken agreements.
1. I quit saying no to sex.
2. Learning about responsive desire.
3. Reading “For Women Only” and “For Men Only”
4. Getting a much better understanding of the differences between the male and female brain and both of us finally catching on that neither way of thinking was better than the other.
Another idea would be to see if she’d be wiling try a sexcation. It could be an overnight, weekend, or a week-long event, even a second honeymoon. Not only did my wife and I get away for a week at the end of August/beginning of Sept this year but each of us put effort and thought into how to make it sexually and visually special for the other. (We also try to get away for 7-10 days a year without kids because it’s critical to rekindle the romance and get her out of the role of wife AND mom.) Without kids, my wife can rest and like it’s a vacation rather than a trip on which she tends to feel like she has to be a “cruise director” and plan and entertain the family…let alone dealing with meals.) So far our trips have been blessed by free or nearly free places to stay from friends or family that gift us places. After DW gets out of school and has a good income, we’ll be able to take some of our dream trips and create bigger family events, maybe even have some grand kids in a few more years if any of them will marry soon. We’re not rushing the marrying part with any of them and certainly not the grand kids…but some day. It’s a dream and we enjoy dreaming about our future together, what we’re planning on and saving for together. It gives us hope AND keeps us moving forward towards some common goals and dreams.
We also like to do 1-2 overnights during the year as well. I pulled a surprise one, early on in Covid. Hotel suite with tub for two, packed everything, snacks, toys, massage table, wrote her a “STRONGLY” worded poem (Dr. Suess rhymes are my fave) that was very clear about what I liked, what I wanted, and what we were gonna do when she arrived at the hotel. I even included in the rhyme, the directions to the hotel and I sent them in segmented txts before she finished work so I blew up her phone. Then I went to the place, checked in and set up and waited for her. Needless to say, it was romantic for her, a win for me, and special for both of us. We ended up trying several things that we’d never done before. 😀 I was in heaven and helped her get there too! 😀
The main game changer was deciding to try a vibrator to help my wife achieve an ‘O’. It took us several attempts, but finally we stumbled on a wand-type vibrator that did the trick. In retrospect, we should have turned to a vibrator in year ‘1’ rather than year ’21’ of our marriage! Our love making is much more fulfilling to both of us now that she can O.
If I go all the way back to when we first married (married 30 years), I would definitely say using a vibrator. The wife was hit and miss on orgasms and for whatever reason, wouldn’t let me use my fingers to finish her off. She would only let me do oral sex on her occasionally and rarely let me give her an orgasm from it.
I got her to use a vibrator and she liked it. We use one nearly every time we have sex now, which isn’t often.
Me deciding to learn about male and female sexuality, with all the differences that entails.
Absolutely a total game changer. There were SO many things that I was unaware of (in terms of male sexuality, communication, etc), and it completely revolutionised how I related to my husband. Totally changed my perspective on sexual intimacy – very much for the better. I’m so so glad for this change. Would never want to go back to how I was before.
These are of differing levels of “gamechanging-ness”, but all had some importance. Listed in chronological order:
- Use of artificial lube (didn’t take long to figure that one out)
- Both of us learning about responsive desire
- Use of a vibrator to get her to O (couldn’t before that)
I wish we could say the same thing you did about OS. However, we did that before marriage and now it has faded away in both directions.