What is most likely to shut down your desire for sexual intimacy?
Often we can push through and have a good time even if things aren’t perfect. Yet, most of us will have something (or a few things) that will make sex a “no go”. What are the things that close the door for you? (or your spouse)
*If I think he doesn’t want to or if he doesn’t respond very enthusiastically to my flirting/ or initiation
*If I feel like we have an unresolved conflict (we are mad at each other and haven’t “fixed” it, by coming to some agreement, or at least had a good conversation about it).
*Emotional distance: feeling like we haven’t had enough quality time together and/or like he won’t open up to me about what he is thinking and feeling) dh gets very quiet and withdrawn when he’s stressed.
We still have sex during those last three, if he wants to (he is not one to initiate much when he is stressed) so they are not a “no go” but they definitely dulls or drastically reduces my desire.
For me, I have made a choice to let very few things push me to a “no go”. I may not feel like it, but I still will.
There are things that make our experiences scale back, or that causes me to go into more of a “maintenance mode”…
1) Exhaustion, most often caused by being too busy or stretching my introvert self with too much “people time”.
2) Lack of emotional connection between my husband and I, usually because of a lack of time together or his negative attitude.
3) Illness, especially stomach bugs.
I don’t know if this is considered a “no go”, but in this season of life, we have had to set up more parameters on when I won’t be approached… basically, don’t wake me up and not on Sundays (because of being peopled out.) If I desire anything at those times, I have to initiate.
An unresolved relationship breach was always an impediment to my desire. It didn’t make it a no-go, but it made for a really bad experience for me that negatively impacted both our relationship and my attitude about sex.
Currently, it is lack of a pair bond (detachment) that makes my desire a no-go. Sex is not a no-go, I’m available to him, but I can’t get aroused with him.
I’m not sure we have any true no-go’s but I know neither of us has been interested right in the middle of an argument. I struggle with being interested when we’ve not been connecting first. I engage anyway because I know it helps. I also am very turned off by him being on his phone basically ignoring me until he’s snuggling up while I’m half-way asleep. I feel sort of taken advantage of because by that time it’s generally late and it will be a quickie to satisfy him. It’s not all on him though because usually, I haven’t said anything so it’s my own fault. I have sometimes playfully told him if he wants sex he better put down his phone. Sometimes that works and other times he just laughs. (sigh)