What makes you feel emotionally connected the most? Do you know why, if so, will you share?

I have had “emotional connection” on my mind a lot. A big reason is because I am bothered that I really don’t feel emotionally connected by, with, or during sex.  My husband gushes of how connected he feels and how great certain times are for him, and I have nothing.  I know not to say anything in the moment, because I am sure it would crush him and make him feel all the more insecure about me. But it can make one feel broken.   I know sex is how many men emotionally connect, and I expect this to be the main answer for most.

I asked a question about being “emotionally challenged” and through that, today’s QOTD, and other things going on in my life, I am asking myself, “When and how do I feel emotionally connected?”  I don’t know that I have found a full answer yet, I will add what answer I do know, in the answers.

 

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15 Answer(s)

    The answer to the question of being emotionally connected to one’s spouse Is different for all us. Each marriage is unique. No one can understand or comprehend another couple’s spiritual, physical, relational, and importantly, emotional connection. What is ‘it’ is different for all of us. How it fulfills or fails to fulfill is also unique. When we feel connected or don’t feel connected is another variable. Lastly, why we feel we are connected or not connected can be elusive.

    Being is both a present participle of the verb ‘to be” and it can be used as a gerund – a noun. Most marriages are in process of ‘being.’ We are in constant flux of  ‘being connected.’ Rare, I believe, is the case where a couple can say, “We are complete by being emotionally connected.”

    What is emotional connection? I may be emotionally connected to Mrs. Oldbear, but she may not be emotionally connected to me. What connects me emotionally to her,  may not be the least bit emotionally connecting to her. For example, sitting next to her reading a book while she is concentrating on writing an important email may give me an emotional connection. For her, while trying to concentrate, my act of emotional connection may be annoying; certainly not a positive emotional connection!

    How we emotionally connect is tied to our personality, love language, and attraction to our mate. Again, though, it takes two to tango, so it requires both spouses to really tune into ‘how’ best to connect.

    When we are connected is more related to situations and mindsets. Unrelated situations – fatigue, angst, demands, etc. – can rob us of connectedness.

    Why is the hardest question of all. Sometimes we just don’t know why! This is where patience and all the other Fruit of the Spirit need to be applied by both spouses. 🙂

    (Excuse my real-time editing. Mrs. Oldbear prepared a wonderful lunch, and I’ve learned that an important way to emotionally connect with her is to promptly stop what I’m doing and honor her generosity! 🙂 )

     

     

    Under the stars Answered on September 29, 2020.
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      I’m thinking hard about this….. I feel most connected to my DW when she pays me her undivided attention and couples that with a touch. It is the combination that sets off the bells and whistles for me. So if you break that down, that probably does most often happens in sex, but it doesn’t have to. Some of the most connected times I remember are when she comes and sits beside me, or even better, on my lap, and we have a connected conversations where be both are engaged and active. I can feel connected without the sex. Indeed, many of those times have led to sex, but it was not the intention (I don’t think). It is those times that the sex actually means the most as well because it feels like it arose out of true emotional connection first.  One of, if not the best sex we’ve had in a long time was written about here when she came home one afternoon and we had a good conversation in the kitchen that led to some embracing, that led to a wonderful fling in the kitchen! I can say without hesitation that even if the sex had happened, it would not have been as fulfilling, to me at least, if the conversation and intimacy had not occurred beforehand. Even when she sprung surprise sex on me a while back in the woods, we had been having a good time doing things together beforehand. I also know that quality time has been shown to be her primary LL so it fits her bill this way as well. But for her, the one doesn’t automatically follow the other in her desire matrix. That looks more like a bowl of spaghetti… 😆

      Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on September 28, 2020.
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        This is an interesting topic to me because DH has trouble with the concept/plan of LM if he hasn’t had looooots of time to connect verbally first. So whereas I would be happy to come together in LM with my DH immediately after a day of inadvertently not communicating with each other, he absolutely cannot. For me, sex is tied to my self worth(subconsciously) and physical release. 
        To feel emotionally connected, working alongside eachother (acts of service) get me connected.
        I know I probably didn’t answer your questions exactly.

         

        Edited for clarity

        Hammock Answered on September 28, 2020.

        I’ve thought about starting another thread at some point “How emotionally connected with your spouse do you need to feel, in order to feel comfortable with LM?” because I’d imagine the answers would be varied too.

        on September 28, 2020.

        I’d love to see that thread!

        -Scott

        on September 28, 2020.

        @Scott+Zelda hopefully my meaning will be understood

        on September 30, 2020.
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          Well…I think is pretty common for women honestly.  This is an opinion, but it seems that sex itself makes a lot of men feel connected, I’m not sure sex is what makes a lot of women feel connected.  Sex itself doesn’t make me feel connected either. It can be fun, pleasurable, and the sharing of a fun activity can make me feel connected to my husband, but sex isn’t above other activities in that for me.  It is how sex impacts my husband that makes it “connecting”.  He becomes more attentive, caring,  cuddly, protective, and open to me.
          Praying together and talking/sharing is what makes me feel connected to my husband.  If that is going on in the relationship, I can come into sex and be open and have fun.  If those others things aren’t going on, sex makes me feel farther away from my husband…which is why I don’t think sex itself makes me feel connected.

          On the floor Answered on September 28, 2020.
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            Seeing the answers here already, I’d consider the following mental exercise: list out your Love Languages in order and consider activities that are hardcore the #1, or maybe even better, a blend of #1 and #2. Do those activities, when shared with your husband, lead to something you would call “emotional connection”? If not, why not? Does your definition of emotional connection then make sense if such an activity would not lead to feeling that way?

            Just some thoughts,

            -Scott

            Under the stars Answered on September 28, 2020.

            Those are good points and questions, I will definitely think about them.

            on September 28, 2020.

            To get even more pointed–does the red-door memory make you feel an emotional connection? If so, why?

            -Scott

            on September 28, 2020.

            Since it’s late, I will write down my initial thoughts so that I don’t forget it, but will think on it more later… with the door. I felt known and that he went out of his way for me (all on his own, without the direct influence of me.) That’s very rare in my life, except in my relationship with the Lord. He relentlessly shows me I am known and He goes out of His way for me….He’s a very personal God. Anyway, I think this whole thing is pretty deep and there’s a lot to unpack for me. I believe this is a key to why I feel little emotional connection. We’ll see where thinking and praying on this goes. Thanks Scott.

            on September 28, 2020.
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              I am a simple guy, and for me sex with my wife definitely gives me the deepest, and most intimate connection with her. That is not to say that I don’t feel connected when we have a good, meaningful conversation, or when she does something nice for me, etc.

              However, she is the only person on earth with whom I share my entire body, and who gives me her entire body. Sex is the means through which we created a family.  This makes sex with DW exciting and mysterious and thrilling. I am not sure I can explain it any better.

              For my DW it is different. She experiences emotional closeness through sex, however, I don’t think it is as big a force for her as it is for me. In fact, I think she feels more emotional closeness to me when I do things for her, for the family, etc. For example, one morning after I got up I did the dishes and went back to our bedroom to dress. She heard me putting away the dishes, and gave me a kiss that led to much more! So, DW’s desire to have sex is a result of her feelings of intimacy for me that are awakened by some other act.

               

              Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on September 29, 2020.
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                The one thing I know that makes me feel emotionally connected to my husband, and it’s weird because it’s not directly related to me, but it’s when he is connecting with and enjoying our kids and grandkids.

                Under the stars Answered on September 28, 2020.

                DW says that’s one of the things that I do that really turns her on too…  and I am oblivious to it when she’s feeling it.

                on September 28, 2020.

                My wife has said something similar. I had a girlfriend once who said she loved to watch me shave, it turned her on…..

                My face got chapped 🙂

                on September 28, 2020.

                Zelda certainly likes it when I play with or read to our kids. I think that’s almost universal for women that are moms and even activates in non-mom women.

                -Scott

                on September 28, 2020.
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                  I’m not sure which is the most. There are several at the top

                  • a good long talk
                  • crying together
                  • praying together
                  • enjoying sex
                  • marveling at God’s beauty and goodness (in a song, a testimony, or scenery)
                  Under the stars Answered on September 28, 2020.
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                    We are emotionally connected to what is important to us and to what gives back to us something we need or want.

                    Progeny is important to you. That’s why that’s there.

                    You may never have an answer to why sex doesn’t give back to you or is something you don’t want or need. Or you may be able to use that frame to answer. Why doesn’t sex give back to you something you want or need? Have you walled that possibility off?

                    Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on September 28, 2020.

                    I will think about all you said/asked.

                    on September 28, 2020.
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                      One other thought… “emotionally connected” means different things to different people.  In  the case of someone who has been abused or has experienced some kind of trauma, “emotionally connected” may mean “the absence of fear” or “safe”.    Obviously we all strive for a closer unity than that with our spouse.

                      On the floor Answered on September 28, 2020.
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