What rules if any should be in place when using a massage toy together? Use it only together etc.?

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    Recently started using a toy for her(clitoris) and she feels that she should only use it when with me so it won’t replace me! ha.  Any other rules that we should adopt?  Not use it all the time etc.?

    Twin bed Asked on September 26, 2020 in Activities & Items .
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      It’s whatever makes you comfortable….. the only per se “rule” we have around things is, don’t let it rob from the other.

      Under the stars Answered on September 26, 2020.
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        I don’t t know if there has to be hard and fast rules, as long as you mutually agree on how it’s used.

        King bed Answered on September 26, 2020.
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          My wife prefers to use it with me, however, I would not care if she used it when I am not around, especially if it helps her to learn about her arousal patterns so she can be more responsive during the times we are together. As KFunk said, the key thing is to mutually agree on how it will be used.

           

          Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on September 27, 2020.
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            The “hard and fast” rules are the exact same as the rules without toys–only between one man and one woman, who are married to each other. Thus, no outside people.

            Any additional rules on top of that are up to you. For instance, if you don’t agree with solo masturbation without toys, then you’re likely to decide no toys when alone either. If your DW can usually orgasm without toys, then you may opt to not use them every time in order to avoid her getting used to that sensation in order to O (though there is no scientific evidence that toy use causes long-term desensitization or other detrimental effects). Likewise, if the toy somehow takes away from your pleasure, then you’d want a balancing act of using it and not using it.

            We’ve only been using toys for a little over a year. When we first started, it was definitely very slowly and with lots of rules/boundaries. Toys have been a great experience for us–helping us grow closer, increasing both our physical pleasure, lengthening out LMing sessions, and improving our frequency. All of our early concerns were unwarranted, though I think we were wise to move with trepidation like we did.

            Enjoy exploring in your MB and have fun!

            -Scott

            Under the stars Answered on September 27, 2020.

            “though there is no scientific evidence that toy use causes long-term desensitization or other detrimental effects”

            (Emphasis mine.) I think sometimes the hesitancy people have for using them could stem from some of the marriage books that were out a while back that at least implied, if not out and out said that they would cause desensitization, or for the couple (or wife at least) to be “spoiled” by the toy and then not find “natural sex” satisfying.  (I was exposed to some of that teaching, but PTL it didn’t take!) It is so good to point out that those theories were unfounded because once they have been put out there in popular books, it seems super hard to get them out of the collective consciousness!

            on September 27, 2020.

            To be fair, there are quite a few anecdotal reports of short-term desensitization (days to weeks) from routine use of extremely powerful vibrators (think Magic Wand). I think the bigger issue is mental–your brain gets so engrained in O’ing from a certain type of stimulation that it becomes harder to get there without that. Think “death grip” with men and masturbation.

            Also, I really wonder about the trend/push of giving young girls (Jr. High/High School) vibrators to do self exploration. If that’s what they get “used to”, will a man’s hands/mouth/penis have more trouble pleasing them? In general, I try to avoid anything like that (drugs, alcohol, etc) until someone is above 25, as the brain is still developing up until that point…honestly makes me wonder if relationships that start at early ages become “more attached” than ones that started later? Making that’s taking the analogy too far…

            All that said, as a STEM person myself, I do want to remind people that “absence of evidence” is definitely not the same as “evidence of absence”. There’s no doubt in my mind that at least for some people strong stimulation, like from a vibrator, could have an effect on how they perceive normal stimulation. However, the significance and strength of that effect has yet to be shown.

            -Scott

            on September 27, 2020.
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              We have had a vibrator in the past. No rules – used together and alone by Mrs. Youngbear. The reason we no longer use toys is that she’d rather me and her enjoy our skin-to-skin touch.

              Under the stars Answered on September 27, 2020.
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                I would second the idea of not having rules.  It’s for fun, it’s just the two of you and it’s not a sin. Focus on enjoying freedom

                On the floor Answered on September 27, 2020.
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                  Is it possible that she is afraid that if she appears to enjoy it too much that you will be hurt or feel insufficient? I remember taking extra care to make sure my DH didn’t feel like I was trying to replace him or that he somehow wasn’t enough for me, and while it is good to be sensitive of your feelings, it is also good for her to be honest with you if using the toy really does, for example, make sex much more about connecting by seeking pleasure together and having fun rather than working so hard to make sure she achieves something because she doesn’t want you to feel bad.

                  We think of our toys as a toolbox he uses to get the most out of my motor. Sure I can use the tools too, but he wields them like a master mechanic and then I run like a Ferrari. 😉

                  Under the stars Answered on September 27, 2020.

                  Good answer!

                  on September 28, 2020.
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                    No real rules other than we don’t solo masturbate ever. We are never apart that long for work or travel though.

                    On the floor Answered on September 28, 2020.
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