What rules if any should be in place when using a massage toy together? Use it only together etc.?
My wife prefers to use it with me, however, I would not care if she used it when I am not around, especially if it helps her to learn about her arousal patterns so she can be more responsive during the times we are together. As KFunk said, the key thing is to mutually agree on how it will be used.
The “hard and fast” rules are the exact same as the rules without toys–only between one man and one woman, who are married to each other. Thus, no outside people.
Any additional rules on top of that are up to you. For instance, if you don’t agree with solo masturbation without toys, then you’re likely to decide no toys when alone either. If your DW can usually orgasm without toys, then you may opt to not use them every time in order to avoid her getting used to that sensation in order to O (though there is no scientific evidence that toy use causes long-term desensitization or other detrimental effects). Likewise, if the toy somehow takes away from your pleasure, then you’d want a balancing act of using it and not using it.
We’ve only been using toys for a little over a year. When we first started, it was definitely very slowly and with lots of rules/boundaries. Toys have been a great experience for us–helping us grow closer, increasing both our physical pleasure, lengthening out LMing sessions, and improving our frequency. All of our early concerns were unwarranted, though I think we were wise to move with trepidation like we did.
Enjoy exploring in your MB and have fun!
Is it possible that she is afraid that if she appears to enjoy it too much that you will be hurt or feel insufficient? I remember taking extra care to make sure my DH didn’t feel like I was trying to replace him or that he somehow wasn’t enough for me, and while it is good to be sensitive of your feelings, it is also good for her to be honest with you if using the toy really does, for example, make sex much more about connecting by seeking pleasure together and having fun rather than working so hard to make sure she achieves something because she doesn’t want you to feel bad.
We think of our toys as a toolbox he uses to get the most out of my motor. Sure I can use the tools too, but he wields them like a master mechanic and then I run like a Ferrari. 😉