What sexual “no’s” have changed with you and/or in your marriage?

    I was just making a comment about how things can change with time,  “Just because something is a “no” now, doesn’t mean that  it is a forever “no”.”    As we grow in our sexuality, we often will become more open to things that were “no’s” before… it can be from a specific sexual act, to being okay with having sex while the kids are up.

    I also know that this can be reversed, there have been things that I have been more open to in the past, but because of various circumstances, those doors are closing and they are having to become a “no” for physical/health reasons.

     

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    19 Answer(s)

      Interesting question!

      Definitely OS for DW was a no that became a joyous yes!

      Also, the inability to O for DW has become a chorus of yeses!

      In addition, it wasn’t so much a “no” that became a “yes” as it was a realization that waiting for extended periods of time shouldn’t happen anymore. So, coming together 😉 became more of a priority that shouldn’t wait more than 2 or 3 days at the most.

      Under the stars Answered on March 11, 2020.

      @OWM: This is very well said. I really look up to your marriage, or at least what it appears to be on the outside. 🙂 It’s a great model of a healthy, God-loving marriage that many of us husbands should be striving to achieve.

      -Scott

      on March 11, 2020.

      @Scott. Thank you, Scott. God is good. Has been so patient with me. I’m grateful for what He has done!

      I want the same or better for you and everyone else here at TMB!

      on March 11, 2020.
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        My favorite no that recently became a yes (and quite commonly) is passionate kissing, touching, and groping where sex is not immediately imminent. Until recently, that was always a no for DW. After lots of good conversations, that changed several months ago. One of the key turning points was me saying, “I can handle being turned on without it immediately being followed by sex.” Once she grasped that this was ok, especially with regular sex occurring, she let down her defenses there and our intimacy levels (physical, emotional, etc.) have been off the charts!

        On the floor Answered on March 11, 2020.

        Thank you for sharing that. I think that this whole making out without sex thing is highly underrated. It’s something I’d like to work on for myself.

        on March 11, 2020.

        Physical touch is definitely my top love language, and making out and stuff like that help fill me tank even without sex. Of course, it’s helped boost DW’s sex drive so I’m getting a double portion!

        on March 11, 2020.
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          Yes, there has been something has become a yes over the past even 6 months that DW considered a definite no go for our first couple years. With a little bit of extemporaneous play & slowly, gently challenging the limit over time, coupled with her physical response that even she realized, it allowed for more conversation and experimentation and now she initiates it…plus she’s been listening to a couple podcasts I’ve been listening to, SEXY MARRIAGE RADIO and NAKED MARRIAGE.  She actually looked the other day and found another Christian one on sex that she liked. I thank God for her and Him restoring all the years the locust & my ex took away. She is my dream come true!!!

          Under the stars Answered on March 11, 2020.

          I’ve been looking for some good Christian sex podcasts. What are your recommends?

          on March 16, 2020.

          Both of the ones mentioned above are ones I recommend because they deal with sex and relationships. SMR talks more about sexual issues than TNM but sex is both about mind and body in the context of relationship, especially from a Christian viewpoint.

          on March 17, 2020.
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            I can’t think of anything that we/I decided was an actual no. There were things we just didn’t do or allow to happen. Things such as getting semen on either of our bodies, except for inside me, getting any sexual fluids on the sheets, OS, although it wasn’t an outright decision, etc. It actually bothered DH a lot more than me, to get any of his fluids on my body. It was me consoling him, that this was fine and he should not worry about it. I tell him I need it because its supposed to boost my mood, Lol.

            Under the stars Answered on March 11, 2020.
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              I am definitely more adventurous than my wife when it comes to wanting to try new things, but I am willing to defer to her in a Phil. 2:3-4 putting her interests above my own kind of way. There are some things she has agreed to while other things she has said no to and I want to respect her wishes in that and not push.  Over time some of her reluctance on some things has moved her to try it. Tried AS once and she didn’t/doesn’t like it, so that’s off limits.  Definitely nothing that would violate the MB covenant of husband and wife alone.  I always want to try and honor her and where she can she works at trying to honor me in what we can both agree on and be comfortable doing.  She’s also working through some issues of child/teen abuse that has in some ways challenged her sex drive and she recognizes that may be part of the reason for some reluctance.  So the Biblical, fruit of the Spirit response is that love is patient and kind and not self-seeking.  She says she isn’t very creative in bed so she’s trying to work on that for the both of us, not just for her.  It’s a worthwhile work in progress.

              On the floor Answered on March 11, 2020.

              Kevin Leman once said that a woman who has been sexually abused in childhood will often marry not to actually have sex but to NOT HAVE TO HAVE SEX.

              Sexual things are then turned into evil and you cannot win when she thinks this way.  Everything sexual is then evil.

              The sexually abused person is wounded and will always be wounded. You cannot erase it. But…you can deal with it just like a missing limb. You limp through it and do well. limp but enjoy the experience anyway.

              on April 1, 2020.
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                @Scott: I think she enjoys it and is so aroused these days that she just pushes through. After we had to change the sheets one night because of so much FE, we got a waterproof blanket that we use regularly under us. It’s actually made for pets but it’s super soft and easy to wash. Sex is a much messier endeavor these days, and after my wife got over her initial embarrassment about it, we’ve embraced the mess and the pleasure that accompanies it.

                On the floor Answered on March 12, 2020.

                Thanks, @luvabug99.

                on March 12, 2020.
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                  Really the whole marriage has been a discovery of adding more things to our yeses. When we married we had a very basic, network TV idea of what sex should look like and it pretty much included only missionary unless you were getting “kinky”. The things we had done in creeping up to the line before marriage seemed (to me) like something we shouldn’t need any more now that we could have “real” sex. So everything we have added in, discovered to be a fun part of the whole, has been a no turned to a yes and I have not regretted a single one. There have been no yeses turned to nos that I can think of, except that with WOT positions, my hips do not bend at precisely the same angle they used to, so it is harder for me to stay upright instead of leaning forward. He still wants me to be upright, but sometimes it just hurts and I can’t do it. So I guess that’s a no. There are other movements in which I am still quite flexible; it’s just that one movement I have trouble with.

                  We should have a thread for best exercise/therapeutic movements that help with sexual flexibility/pleasure/stamina, etc. Some that I have been given in PT for other problems have ended up helping greatly in the sexual area. I just haven’t found one for that hip.

                  Under the stars Answered on March 15, 2020.
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                    Nope. Not really. 15 years with my wife and it’s pretty much been the same. Not bad, but the same.
                    I’ve suggested all kinds of things and I barely get any yes’s.
                    I’m holding on to hope. But there isn’t much left.

                    California King Answered on March 11, 2020.
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                      I can’t say that we’ve had a definite “no” become a “yes”, as the true “no” answers never seems to change. However, there have been some things that were just never talked about that became ok, then desired. The vibrator is, of course, the perfect example. It went from “never talked about it”, to “I’m thinking about it”, to “lets buy two”, to “the black holes in your night stand”, to “lets try it”, to “yes, please”, to just assuming it’s going to be used every. single. time.

                      In general, TMB and similar sites have instilled in me that I have to lead Zelda into a happy MB, even if I’m still bad at it. Thus, we talk about a lot of things sex related that we just didn’t in the past. Does that count?

                      As for things in the reverse direction, the number one thing is fellatio–she said she’d still do it if I reallyreally wanted it, but I don’t think I can bring myself to ask her to do that since she has such disdain for it. However, last night I did get clarity that cunnilingus is not off the table, she just refuses it the large majority of the time.

                      The other big “reverse direction” thing is sex on the couch(es)/recliner and other piece of furniture. Zelda used to love various positions with our couches, recliner, and guest bed (before it became our daughter’s bed). Alas, she can’t relax enough now that the kids are old enough to catch us, and we haven’t had couch sex since (I think) she was pregnant with our youngest. We’ll get those back some day, but it may be a long time.

                      -Scott

                      Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on March 12, 2020.

                      Kids do add an element of challenge to the spontaneity or variety.  We sometimes will have him spend the night at a friend’s home so we can add the element of creativity to our evening.  For example, I had purchased ahead of time 2 aprons with lips all over them, bought things to make for dinner, and all we wore were the aprons while fixing it together and dining with candlelight.  It was all a memorable evening.  You learn to be creative and discreet.

                      on March 12, 2020.
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                        The biggest ‘no’ that became a ‘yes’ was my wife experiencing an orgasm after we finally started using a vibrator!

                        On the floor Answered on March 13, 2020.
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