What sexual “no’s” have changed with you and/or in your marriage?
I was just making a comment about how things can change with time, “Just because something is a “no” now, doesn’t mean that it is a forever “no”.” As we grow in our sexuality, we often will become more open to things that were “no’s” before… it can be from a specific sexual act, to being okay with having sex while the kids are up.
I also know that this can be reversed, there have been things that I have been more open to in the past, but because of various circumstances, those doors are closing and they are having to become a “no” for physical/health reasons.
Definitely OS for DW was a no that became a joyous yes!
Also, the inability to O for DW has become a chorus of yeses!
In addition, it wasn’t so much a “no” that became a “yes” as it was a realization that waiting for extended periods of time shouldn’t happen anymore. So, coming together 😉 became more of a priority that shouldn’t wait more than 2 or 3 days at the most.
My favorite no that recently became a yes (and quite commonly) is passionate kissing, touching, and groping where sex is not immediately imminent. Until recently, that was always a no for DW. After lots of good conversations, that changed several months ago. One of the key turning points was me saying, “I can handle being turned on without it immediately being followed by sex.” Once she grasped that this was ok, especially with regular sex occurring, she let down her defenses there and our intimacy levels (physical, emotional, etc.) have been off the charts!
Yes, there has been something has become a yes over the past even 6 months that DW considered a definite no go for our first couple years. With a little bit of extemporaneous play & slowly, gently challenging the limit over time, coupled with her physical response that even she realized, it allowed for more conversation and experimentation and now she initiates it…plus she’s been listening to a couple podcasts I’ve been listening to, SEXY MARRIAGE RADIO and NAKED MARRIAGE. She actually looked the other day and found another Christian one on sex that she liked. I thank God for her and Him restoring all the years the locust & my ex took away. She is my dream come true!!!
I can’t think of anything that we/I decided was an actual no. There were things we just didn’t do or allow to happen. Things such as getting semen on either of our bodies, except for inside me, getting any sexual fluids on the sheets, OS, although it wasn’t an outright decision, etc. It actually bothered DH a lot more than me, to get any of his fluids on my body. It was me consoling him, that this was fine and he should not worry about it. I tell him I need it because its supposed to boost my mood, Lol.
I am definitely more adventurous than my wife when it comes to wanting to try new things, but I am willing to defer to her in a Phil. 2:3-4 putting her interests above my own kind of way. There are some things she has agreed to while other things she has said no to and I want to respect her wishes in that and not push. Over time some of her reluctance on some things has moved her to try it. Tried AS once and she didn’t/doesn’t like it, so that’s off limits. Definitely nothing that would violate the MB covenant of husband and wife alone. I always want to try and honor her and where she can she works at trying to honor me in what we can both agree on and be comfortable doing. She’s also working through some issues of child/teen abuse that has in some ways challenged her sex drive and she recognizes that may be part of the reason for some reluctance. So the Biblical, fruit of the Spirit response is that love is patient and kind and not self-seeking. She says she isn’t very creative in bed so she’s trying to work on that for the both of us, not just for her. It’s a worthwhile work in progress.
@Scott: I think she enjoys it and is so aroused these days that she just pushes through. After we had to change the sheets one night because of so much FE, we got a waterproof blanket that we use regularly under us. It’s actually made for pets but it’s super soft and easy to wash. Sex is a much messier endeavor these days, and after my wife got over her initial embarrassment about it, we’ve embraced the mess and the pleasure that accompanies it.
Really the whole marriage has been a discovery of adding more things to our yeses. When we married we had a very basic, network TV idea of what sex should look like and it pretty much included only missionary unless you were getting “kinky”. The things we had done in creeping up to the line before marriage seemed (to me) like something we shouldn’t need any more now that we could have “real” sex. So everything we have added in, discovered to be a fun part of the whole, has been a no turned to a yes and I have not regretted a single one. There have been no yeses turned to nos that I can think of, except that with WOT positions, my hips do not bend at precisely the same angle they used to, so it is harder for me to stay upright instead of leaning forward. He still wants me to be upright, but sometimes it just hurts and I can’t do it. So I guess that’s a no. There are other movements in which I am still quite flexible; it’s just that one movement I have trouble with.
We should have a thread for best exercise/therapeutic movements that help with sexual flexibility/pleasure/stamina, etc. Some that I have been given in PT for other problems have ended up helping greatly in the sexual area. I just haven’t found one for that hip.
I can’t say that we’ve had a definite “no” become a “yes”, as the true “no” answers never seems to change. However, there have been some things that were just never talked about that became ok, then desired. The vibrator is, of course, the perfect example. It went from “never talked about it”, to “I’m thinking about it”, to “lets buy two”, to “the black holes in your night stand”, to “lets try it”, to “yes, please”, to just assuming it’s going to be used every. single. time.
In general, TMB and similar sites have instilled in me that I have to lead Zelda into a happy MB, even if I’m still bad at it. Thus, we talk about a lot of things sex related that we just didn’t in the past. Does that count?
As for things in the reverse direction, the number one thing is fellatio–she said she’d still do it if I really, really wanted it, but I don’t think I can bring myself to ask her to do that since she has such disdain for it. However, last night I did get clarity that cunnilingus is not off the table, she just refuses it the large majority of the time.
The other big “reverse direction” thing is sex on the couch(es)/recliner and other piece of furniture. Zelda used to love various positions with our couches, recliner, and guest bed (before it became our daughter’s bed). Alas, she can’t relax enough now that the kids are old enough to catch us, and we haven’t had couch sex since (I think) she was pregnant with our youngest. We’ll get those back some day, but it may be a long time.