What was the last real conversation on anything relating to sex, that you had with your spouse, about? And how long ago was it?

    I know some marriages really struggle with communicating about sex….no matter what the topic is under the “sexual” umbrella.  I know that we all face different sexual issues at different times in our marriage.

    I noticed all the libido boosters she bought were in her cabinet by the bed were all full and mostly unused.

    This is from a conversation we had about her actively attempting to improve sex desire as recently as last month.

    Yesterday she attempted to blame me entirely for her low sex mood.

    on June 16, 2020.

    So how did you respond CJ?

    on June 16, 2020.

    Its a walk on broken glass sort of answer. If I am answer in a cruel way she will use it against me, If I am nice and go along with it and say I’m working on it, she will continue her lack of effort for taking her supplements. So, I mentioned it on the run as I clean/fix stuff and she attempts to get my attention to things and says I need to kiss her and hug her all day…Reality check; she was gone or on the phone with friends or on a phone game or otherwise preoccupied with other stuff and ignoring me…not that I needed any attention. So I shotgunned the answer and said, “you’re blaming me for your low drive again.” Again I was in motion, walking to another room.

    on June 17, 2020.

    CJ, I know it’s hard in your marriage. If it’s gonna be hard either way, why not confront your wife on her broken promises. Or more importantly, on her deflection? On her lying and not following through with her word? Leading is tough, maybe it’s time you took the leadership mantle in your marriage.

    Maybe she’ll feel bad? Ok, good, if it’ll help her address the behavior. Maybe she’ll get mad? Ok, what’s new? My point is maybe it’s time to face some ongoing issues. If she will not and not go to counseling, then you will have a decision or two to make about how to address the controlling and seemingly emotionally abusive behavior that you allow and enable by not standing up for yourself.

    If she won’t respect you, CJ, at least you need to respect you. You are letting her walk all over you and in the name of “peace”, walking away rather that facing the issues in your life and marriage.  Why? Why continue? Things will only change if you will change first.  Addressing both of your issues, will not be easy but they won’t change if you continue to shrink and sulk and rant here. It seems like it’s time for you to respect yourself and grow a backbone with your wife.

    on June 17, 2020.
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      Ours was this morning.   I have been noticing, and this isn’t really a new issue for us…. but I have been noticing that when we have sex in the morning or afternoon, that my husband doesn’t feel the same kind of need to come to bed at the same time as me.  What that ended up doing, was he was getting his emotional needs met with our sexual encounters, but my needs were being neglected…. since “bedtime” is when he can give me focused attention and just be present and available.  I noticed that I was being tempted to knock out all morning/afternoon encounters (which many are at my initiation), and rather than just take “control” of it by a form of manipulation… I brought it up, and I hope that he corrects his course by a simple “ahem” and a reminder.   If he doesn’t change his course, then a firmer boundary line will be made.

      Under the stars Answered on June 16, 2020.

      we male types can be single-minded sometimes… I bet a little gentle reminding will suffice.

      on June 16, 2020.

      While I agree with this, my wife said the same thing that IF I came to bed earlier, we could ML. So I did. Nothing happened. Tried it again and nothing, promised in the morning, again nothing.

      Last night she told me to come to bed at 11:30 so I did, knowing that she had full schedule with our child every day until Friday, so sex will surpass a week so I assumed she would be available for sex AND this morning we had about 45 min to spare so 2 great opportunities. But she got up, attended to our child and ignored me completely.

      on June 16, 2020.

      CJ, I’m sorry man, that is not fair. She told you one thing and delivered another, she promised one thing and broke it. If a spouse can’t keep their word, that’s a trust issue and that’s a BIG marriage problem.

      It appears to me you have a marriage problem, not a sex problem. Th sex issue is only a symptom of deeper issues inside of and between you and your wife which you’ve shared in other comments. They are displayed in the daily interactions, issues like respect, servanthood, selfishness, pride, parenting, and cutting remarks. It seems to me that things will only improve with outside intervention by a neutral party and going through a tunnel of chaos first. You can’t change the past BUT you can choose today how you will live your future. So the question is, what future do you choose? Based on that you can either continue living the life and marriage you have OR with God’s help, you can define the relationship you want and share that dream with your wife and see what her response is. How she responds will help determine your next choices and how to proceed from here. The best future is a co-created one together with Gos at the helm.  However, it takes two to want that and move forward together.

      on June 18, 2020.
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        Yesterday.  I mentioned to her that since the local sex toy store was opened again I would like to find a clitoral vibrator for her that has a ‘deep rumbly’ feel, but which is small enough to fit between us while cuddling or having PIV sex. The bullets and smaller vibes we have are kind of ‘buzzy’ and my DW finds that they just don’t feel as good as her wand.

        We typically have a discussion about sex at least once a week outside of times when we are going to have sex. Our primary topic is looking for different ways to give DW an O, other than having her lay on top of her magic wand, but we also discuss ideas  for other activities I would like to add to our marriage bed (giving and receiving oral sex, trying different positions, etc.). My goal is to keep our marriage bed as dynamic and fun as possible as we enter our senior years, and this will only happen with frequent communication followed by lots of practice!

        On the floor Answered on June 17, 2020.

        I know I’ve said it before, but you should definitely consider the We-Vibe Tango.

        -Scott

        on June 17, 2020.

        Thanks for the recommendation. I am going shopping this weekend, and that will be one of the ones I take a look at. I am also going to look at the We-Vibe Wish.

        on June 18, 2020.
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          A few hours ago. I mentioned I had read some very good articles at familylife.com about sex and how men and women differ from each other when it comes to sex.

          I also suggested we add a little bit of variation to the MB by trying the sex position of the week from christianfriendlysexpositions.com every week, which DW agreed to.

          Hammock Answered on June 16, 2020.

          Somehow I missed or forgot they had a “sex position of the week”. We’ll have to look into that!

          -Scott

          on June 16, 2020.

          They will e-mail it to you weekly! I save all my e-mails in a folder and feel like I will have probably collected the full set eventually. 😉

          on June 16, 2020.
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            A couple days ago. We reminisced about how things were at the beginning of our marriage and how we have grown and developed.  I also mentioned some of the things I had been reading, learning from TMB.

            Under the stars Answered on June 17, 2020.
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              Sometime in the last couple of days. Over the last year and half we have had more (and more productive) conversations about sex than during the previous 17 years of marriage. I see it as part of our growing intimacy (especially emotional intimacy).

              On the floor Answered on June 16, 2020.
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                In the shower the other morning I reminded him that there’s not a lot for me to hold onto and he sometimes smushes my head into the tub wall.

                Later we talked about more ways to try to adjust life so that we get to bed earlier and also to create more opportunities for afternoon play.

                Under the stars Answered on June 16, 2020.
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                  It was about 4 weeks ago when my wife said she was ready to resume reading books on sex techniques again after about 6 months off. This one is on better OS for me. Schedules have derailed a consistent reading time each night.

                  On the floor Answered on June 17, 2020.
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                    I’m not sure what you mean by “real conversation”. Last week we discussed something I’d like to try and she also mentioned something she would. She also asked if I wanted her to put something special on before we made love. Last month we had some bigger conversations about some changes in her desire due to stress and hormones as well as another on a new act we tried.

                    Under the stars Answered on June 16, 2020.

                    A conversation beyond, “Hey, you want to have sex?”  or, “Hey, was it good for you?”

                    on June 16, 2020.

                    LOL! Fair enough. Does the sexting every hour this afternoon & evening about what I’ve missed and want to do to her when I get home count? =) I’ve been gone for the past four days visiting my parents.

                    on June 16, 2020.
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                      Last night. Two things. First, after we got in bed I started a conversation just thanking her for her efforts in working with me to improve our MB over the last year since I know many wives are not as open to doing that. That morphed into talking about where our MB might go from here. But earlier in the evening, we also talked a bit about a piece of sex info I’d recently read about–that heterosexual women are often aroused by both male and female nudity…unlike heterosexual men, homosexual men, and homosexual women.

                      -Scott

                      Under the stars Answered on June 16, 2020.
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                        The last time was about 2 weeks ago when I asked when I was going to see the new bedroom outfit that I had ordered. 🙂 and the next night DW showed me how much she liked it.

                        I try to initiate conversations about monthly about trying new things, satisfaction, anything changing, etc.. DW is not comfortable raising things and starting those conversations. She also has kids and activities and COVID on the mind all the time so it is not the top of the list right now. Most conversations are very short however, because we have a healthy sex life and the MB is pretty great.

                        Double bed Answered on June 17, 2020.
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