What was the reason you were most recently refused?

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    What was the reason you were most recently refused? What was your reaction? How quickly were you able to continue to be kind and loving after being refused?

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      We have been married 30 years and when we first got married, I guess I thought we would have sex at least 2 or 3 times a week or more. After a month ( 1 Month, I still remember it),  my wife plainly said

      we were not having sex that often and once a week was plenty. I continued to ask over the years and it was usually no and her words were, I am just not going to do it more often. I would rate everything else in our

      marriage very close to a perfect “10”.  Sex maybe a “3”.

       

       

      Fell out of ... Answered on October 7, 2019.
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        In 29 months, I can only remember my DW saying it once because she was really tired. There may have been more times but I don’t remember them. With that said, sometimes she’s definitely asked me to wait until later (like yesterday, we had the outlaws in from out of state and plans made so there really was no time. She said, “not now” because she  wanted it nice and slow that night rather than a quickie right then….BUT she allow me to bend her over and come in to appease and to wet my appetite for later).

        I’ve probably said, “no” more times via action of going to bed/sleep than DW because of being tired.  For background, we ML 3-5x/wk and engage in sexual touch many more times throughout the week so it’s not like we’re denying each other…unlike both of us in our previous marriages when we were married to refusers.

        On the floor Answered on October 7, 2019.
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          Over the 27 years we’ve been married my wife’s “no” has come with enough “reasons” (excuses 99% of the time) to fill multiple volumes of journals.   Now, it’s just plain “no” with no reason whatsoever.   On the occasion that I press for a reason it’ll be one of the old standby’s of “don’t care / not interested / just don’t want to”.     She frequently followed up the next morning with “i’m sorry” but it always sounded forced and never EVER resulted in any change of behavior or fruitful discussion;  so I finally told her to stop apologizing because I simply don’t believe her any more.

           

          Twin bed Answered on October 7, 2019.
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            Another poster commented about “duty sex”.    It’s tempting to leap to the idea that duty sex is better than no sex.   But having been through that, for me it’s actually worse.   

            Duty sex would occasionally lead to her being fully engaged (maybe 10% of time) but the other 90% I could tell she was going through the motions … barely…. and after a certain point she’d actually say “are you done yet?”.    Uh yeah I am NOW, forget it!

            Twin bed Answered on October 7, 2019.

            Yes, it is worse because it communicates to a man that I’m obliging you but you’re not important enough to me….attractive enough to me…man enough to me to completely engage in this for you/us.

            My previous marriage was with a gatekeeper. It was lonely and frustrating. I wanted the physical connection and release but when we were done, if it was duty sex and she wasn’t engaged, I felt worse and then I’d have rather gone without.

            on October 8, 2019.

            Perhaps we could benefit from a clearer definition of the term “duty sex,” but I feel it could sometimes be a blessing. I’ve certainly experienced my share of duty sex and at times I’ve been blessed by my DW’s desire to still provide me the opportunity for much needed release, in spite of her clearly not being in the mood. It’s the times that she allows herself to be open to being intimate that it’s a blessing.

            However, it’s those times when her eyes are closed the entire time and I can see her getting annoyed with each passing minute where it seems not worth it. This happened last week after weeks of no sex. She asked quite unenthusiastically when we both got into bed, “*sigh* Do you still want to have sex tonight?” I could tell it was going to take some work to get her into it, but I thought I may’ve been able to get her there, so I said yes. I had made my desires known earlier in the weekend, as well as earlier in the day, so I’m glad she followed up with me. This isn’t always the case and in those occasions I’ve gotten to the point where I do my best to still request.

            This time, however, her invitation felt like forced compliance and it was extremely uncomfortable. I stopped at one point and hunched over in sheer defeat as it felt like I was molesting my wife . (Please pardon my use of the term, but it is the best description for how I felt in the experience).

            “Rape” was the actual term that kept coming to mind, but it wasn’t (and never has been) remotely violent. It was this experience of having sex with my DW, clearly against her will, that made me feel this way. Again, her eyes were shut tight the entire time, clearly disassociating herself from the experience. In that experience, I too felt worse afterwards and would have rather gone without it.

            Anyone else have a similar feeling come over them during a similar occasion?

            on November 27, 2019.
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              We did “Duty Sex’ years ago for a while and it didn’t take long that I didn’t enjoy it and wife didn’t enjoy giving it.  We stopped doing Duty Sex 15 years ago.

              What we did work out was she would at least make an effort to have sex once on the weekend, no sex during the week. And no sex during her period.  So that meant we would have sex about 3 times a month.

              If I needed more than that, I could “relieve” myself one time during the week and no more, but twice during her period. We did that for the next 15 years or so. Not the best situation, but better than nothing.

              Fell out of ... Answered on October 8, 2019.

              Thank you for sharing @Ron. You shared in past tense. Have your rhythms changed or frequency increased? If so, what has been a catalyst for change?

              For the past several years, we were having sex 1 time every 4-6 weeks.  We’ve now worked up in the past few months to 1 time every 1-3 weeks. To my DW’s credit, she’s been working at it. 2 steps forward, 1 step backward. Nearly exclusively on weekends. No sex during her period. Which has resulted in sex about 2-3 times per month. Was your relieving yourself communicated to her and how did she feel about that?

              Thank you for sharing

              on November 27, 2019.
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