What’s wrong with me?
Sometimes I just don’t understand myself. I have been frustrated by our frequency and DW’s lack of intentionality for quite some time now, but I can’t seem to bring the subject up. Sunday, I was somewhat hopeful, and there was some teasing here and there, but nothing came out of it. At one point, she announced she was going to take a shower and invited me to join her, and then a few minutes later, she decided she didn’t need one. Then after church, I thought we might try to find some time, and after it became obvious that it was the last thing on her mind, I went about my business and took care of some work I needed to get done before I left town. I mean, there was always bedtime, right?
I think it is fair to say I have been grumpy and unwilling to engage emotionally very much. With a two month separation looming over me for work, that had already been postponed once, it was probably more disappointing than usual.
Fast forward to this morning. I’m getting ready for work on a job that starts a little earlier than usual, and a 90 minute drive from home. That means that I am setting the clock about an hour earlier than usual so I can make it on time. I have just enough time, so I jump in the shower, and guess who decides that is the right time to join me? Rather than a pleasant surprise, I found myself to be more than a little bit irate and annoyed. Sure, the timing sucked, but it was just what I had been wishing for, and I let my mood sour things instead of just enjoying a pleasant moment. There was time to enjoy a little bit of closeness, and it wouldn’t have been the end of the world if I was a few minutes late anyways. Instead, I quickly washed off and left her standing there as I dressed and rushed out the door.
I could see my DH writing something very similar. He’s finally home for a visit since leaving in Aug. Covid has really thrown everything for a loop. He will be leaving again soon for 2+ months before another visit. I get what you’re saying. I hope something I say helps. 🙂
One question, when she headed for the shower & invited you, did you follow? Or did you sit there? I’ve done something similar, not knowing if he was actually interested in something romantic or not. When he didn’t follow I decided it wasn’t something he wanted at that moment & maybe I should just move on. I don’t remember if I continued with the shower or not, but my point in offering to take one was for the connection with him not because I needed to be clean.
I can also see her point of joining you in the shower today. She may have known that you didn’t have time for anything, but wanted you to know that the desire was there & she’s hoping you take her up on the subtle offer when you return. She knows that in the near future joining you won’t be an option & she wanted to take advantage of it. It could have been her way to try to get you to think of her all day so you don’t let another day go by.
Just reading this from my point of view, she’s ‘offered’ twice. Please! Please stop and change the direction this is going right now. She needs that connection and you probably need it too.
Text her something like “I can’t wait to get home and take you up on your offer from this morning” “I can’t get you out of my mind after seeing you naked this morning” She might need the time to start getting her mind in the right direction for tonight after possibly reading your reaction as a rejection. She may be going through her day right now thinking that you have no desire for her & she better bottle up her desire because it just isn’t happening. Your wife sounds passive, but not as if she’s avoiding you.
This is just a guess, but I’m pretty sure she’s felt you pull away emotionally & probably doesn’t want to rock the boat. Why start a fight right before a separation?
Is she more introverted? That could be why she’s tired after church/people.
Personally speaking, one thing that I’ve noticed is that about a week (give or take) before DH leaves to travel, we both start to pull back from each other. I’ve decided it must be the way we prepare ourselves for the separation. Is it the best? Probably Not, but in a short period of time he won’t be here for me to depend on.
I have to build myself up to be strong. I can’t sit down & cry and whine, that will just add more stress to him. I can tell you one thing though, the day he leaves is the hardest. That’s when I allow myself to fall apart. To have that pity party. To cry. Does he know this? No, because I want to make this as easy as I can for him. He does what needs to be done to support our family and I’m very grateful for his sacrifice. He is the one that has to leave. I would say it is probably depressing for him. I don’t know since he doesn’t share that part with me. We both know that we want something different in the future, asap.
So what’s wrong with you? I’d say you’re preparing to be separated. You’re putting up walls so it doesn’t hurt as much. You’re pulling back so that you have the ability to walk away.
I might even go as far as saying you’re normal for this set of circumstances.
Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Believe it or not, it’s frustrating for both of you. I know when I do stuff like that with my wife, we both end up hurt and I feel like Paul in Romans 7.
What would it be like to go home and say at time when you know you both have some time to share, “Can we unpack the last 24 hrs? I was annoyed and hurt at what happened yesterday and certainly was with your kindness and initiating this morning when there wasn’t time. You took a risk and put yourself out there this morning and I appreciate that and I acknowledge that I was frustrated and probably? rejected it because of the timing and rejection I felt from yesterday. Can we please talk through what happened and what each other was thinking/feeling? I know I would like to so we can understand each other better and serve each other better in the future.”
@Doug wrote: I have been frustrated by our frequency and DW’s lack of intentionality for quite some time now, but I can’t seem to bring the subject up.
I don’t know much more about your situation than what you shared today. Have you and DW considered scheduling sex? It could possibly take care of the 2 problems you mentioned above.
Probably nothing. Your DW jumps in the shower with you and you quickly wash off and leave? And, you’re asking, “What’s wrong with me?!” Just kidding. It appears that @LBD, you, I and others are occupying parts of the same boat. We seem to be struggling with some of the same issues in our marriages. Something that @SeekingChange wrote recently stuck with me and I hope I am OK to share this: Are we willing to have in the short term the uncomfortable conversations, to rock the boat, to be able to deal with the emotional distance that will probably occur, the silent treatment and perhaps even anger when we bring these tough subjects up, in hopes that in the long term we get the difficult issues sorted out and out in the open and begin to deal with them like grown up adults. (@SC put it a lot better than I just did….I’ll see if I can find her answer. ) I’ve been thinking a lot about what she said and how I can implement that in my marriage in 2021. Am I willing to take the risk? Is it that important to me? Is it better to NOT rock the boat? The alternative is the status quo and no changes. Each person must make their own decision here. I will never know unless I take a risk. But, by nature, I am not a risk taker.
I found it! And, @Seeking Change, I am giving you all the credit for a brilliant response that has struck a chord with me. And, challenged my thinking every day.
Here it is @Doug:
“@Golden Goose, are husband’s willing to rock the boat? Are they willing to confront things, make life a little uncomfortable, or even flat out miserable for a time, so that issues can be addressed? Many husbands I have witnessed via TMB aren’t willing to do that. They’d rather keep their perception of peace.
Honestly, this is when a husband or spouse needs to be seeking the Lord and be Spirit led. I know there will be times where it feels you are doing nothing because He has you “waiting”, but there will be times He will lead you to “go” and “do”. It’s a matter of hearing His voice and then being willing to be obedient. It doesn’t guarantee the results you necessarily want to see, but at least one will know they have done everything they can.”
So much good has already been said! I will only add this:
I have been frustrated by our frequency and DW’s lack of intentionality for quite some time now,
Is there any chance that somewhere deep inside you wanted her to feel the same frustration and rejection you have been feeling? I am ashamed to admit it, but I can see myself doing something like this. I could spend a couple days with sex on my mind, watching for signs it’s on his mind, even seeing a few, then being disappointed if there is no follow through. Maybe he wasn’t actually initiating a specific event but just keeping the coals banked until such time that he thought would be good and then he picked a bad time. DH isn’t God, but his timing still isn’t always my timing!! Could your wife have been doing that? Or could she have sensed you were angry about not following through the night before and trying to make it up to you this morning?
Any of that could be the answer to what was going on in her head; the point is, there is no way to know without asking her. You have already assumed she has a lack of intentionality; just because you haven’t noticed it doesn’t mean she doesn’t think she HAS been intentional. It sounds like (and I say this because it sounds like what I myself have done, to my shame) that you got annoyed at what you perceived to be her slight, saw a chance to turn it around and get back at her (“See how SHE likes it!”) and pouted.
That sounds so harsh; if that’s not what you did, ignore it, but I’m aiming that harshness at myself because I know I’ve done it. By God’s grace I won’t do it again, but I have before.
I too have some of this, with the need for sildenafil and t gel. I want to be intimate but don’t want to pressure her. That said, she has had health issues, so I really don’t want the pressure to kill her desire even more. I have difficulty with erection and orgasm and she has a lot of fear, I think, of pain with intercourse, though I am always careful to stop if I think she might be getting sore. It’s just a big wad of worry, over her health, whether she still desires sex, my own capability, etc.
Another problem is we have one position that is permitted. I need the variety and more tightness. She isn’t willing to talk about change.. of any little sort. Last night, I proposed raising the bottom of the bed during foreplay. Immediately, “you know I don’t like that.” Well, no, I don’t because I’ve never proposed it… ever.