When does refusal becomes physical abuse?

Hello,

It’s been some time since I posted, fact the old forums was up when I did my last post.

I’m not sure if a back history is appropriate here or not.

Sort story, DW is a refuse-er, I have lived in times of celibacy(months with out sexual intimacy) for our entire marriage( going on 9 years in May).

After years of this, my desire for her died and I stopped pursuing her sexually.

Well recently (days) she has resulted in physical abuse towards me, she hit me last night after a conversation and as a result I’m concerned as the oldest child noticed. Should I be packing my bags?

I’m actively seeking professional help but none of the “Christian” counselors in my area are taking clients.

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11 Answer(s)

    Did she initiate the hit?

    If so, then you need to set boundaries now and share with her that you will not tolerate her behavior.  You may even consider (for your safety and your child) separation with the goal of restoration if she is willing to seek help . Don’t separate without a goal or gameplan for her to work on her personal issues and for you to work on your personal issues.

    You can find excellent advice on separation here:

    https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2019/02/when-time-to-separate/

    https://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2019/02/before-you-separate/

     

    Also…why not go to your Pastor as well?

    Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on April 22, 2019.
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      Mark, I think your DW is fighting some kind of mental illness.  She needs help, badly.  I’m surprised that none of the local Christian counselors aren’t taking clients?  I think if they knew there was physical abuse and children involved, someone would make some time for you.  I know several of the counselors in my area (personally, through church, not just professionally) and most of them keep “slack” in their schedules to make sure they don’t fill up.  You may want to connect with some of the counselors and plead your case.  Your marriage (and DW’s health) is worth the effort.

      Double bed Answered on April 23, 2019.
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        I’m failing to see the point of the new format of these forums. I can’t directly comment on posts because I don’t have enough points, so I have to add an answer.

        Due to the voting system, my answers get pushed to the bottom and are pushed out of order.

        When the responses are out of order it makes it hard to follow a thread.

        Twin bed Answered on April 23, 2019.

        Exactly!!! It is very confusing and frustrating. And when you do “comment” there is no way to be notified, so it is missed and rarely seen and replied to.

        on April 23, 2019.

        well at least you have permission to comment, I can’t comment unless someone else does. So if someone else doesn’t have permission they add an answer which may or may not get voted up. Resulting in a very hard to follow thread.

        This format works well for technical assistance forums but for forums that are of a counseling nature, not so much.

        on April 23, 2019.
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          It seems like your question and the situation you shared are two different things… in your mind, there must be a correlation, can you explain further how you believe they relate, or  more specifically what you are seeking an answer for?

          I think Elevation asked some good questions and gave good advice, for what we “see” at this point.

          Under the stars Answered on April 22, 2019.
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            I don’t have enough points to comment so here is a reply..

             

            @Elevation

            Please forgive me for asking, but what are the thoughts behind your question? I don’t want to read in to it.

            Did she initiate the hit?

            We were sitting on the couch having a difficult conversation about the lack of intimacy in our marriage when she hit me out of frustration with the conversation, so yes she Initiated the hit.

            I’ll be reading the links, thanks.

            Twin bed Answered on April 22, 2019.

            My concern was that things got heated and you struck first then she responded by hitting back.  I’m not saying that she was right to hit you at all.  I needed clarity.

            Now the word ‘hit’ can be nebulous…if you are comfortable with sharing, did she slap you?  Was this a hit with her fists?

            on April 22, 2019.

            I’ve never hit her, I’ve never made an action to suggest hitting her, I’ve never let it get that far for me, I know how to walk away.

            You’ll forgive me if I don’t recall exactly how she hit me, I’m unsure how it matters.

            on April 23, 2019.

            I understand…I needed clarification because if I tell someone that my wife hit me…they can either understand the hit as jokingly hitting you or hitting you in a serious matter.

            on April 27, 2019.
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              We were talking after they had went to bed.

              During the event, DW was yelling at me (when she hit me) she continued to yell at me when she stormed off through the house slamming doors.

              The oldest heard her outburst.

              I’m worried about how this maybe effecting them.

              Twin bed Answered on April 22, 2019.

              Thank you for clarifying; I am very glad to hear that they weren’t present for the discussion and your child did not witness the hit.  You are wise to be concerned about how your fighting is affecting the kids, thank you for being aware of that.  I hope you two can get counseling, and I will be praying for you.

              on April 22, 2019.

              Can you counsel with your pastor, Mark?

              on April 22, 2019.

              If we had a pastor willing to counsel, sure.

              We just left a church because of some issues with the leadership not being available, so we are currently churchless right now.

              on April 23, 2019.
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                <quote>
                LostaGoodThing
                Mark, I think your DW is fighting some kind of mental illness.  She needs help, badly.  I’m surprised that none of the local Christian counselors aren’t taking clients?  I think if they knew there was physical abuse and children involved, someone would make some time for you.  I know several of the counselors in my area (personally, through church, not just professionally) and most of them keep “slack” in their schedules to make sure they don’t fill up.  You may want to connect with some of the counselors and plead your case.  Your marriage (and DW’s health) is worth the effort.
                </quote>
                

                I have been seeking help for years, I’ve read books, forums and had conversations with people whom I trust. I wish I could get her to put in half the effort.

                I suppose this is telling. 

                 

                Twin bed Answered on April 23, 2019.
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                  Have you spoken with your pastor or a counselor?

                  Queen bed Answered on April 25, 2019.
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                    Sexual refusal and hitting are not the same thing.

                    Queen bed Answered on April 25, 2019.
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                      Any updates?

                      Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on April 27, 2019.
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