Why Do Some Women Find It More Difficult During Intercourse?
So this is a curiosity question, as it doesn’t really affect our MB, but it apparently affects many. I’ve had this question for a while, but Zelda can’t really answer as she doesn’t experience this.
So here’s the question: What are some reasons that women find it more difficult to orgasm during PIV than if no intercourse is involved?
I want to be clear: I do not mean PIV-only orgasms, I mean orgasms during PIV with any/all forms of clitoral stimulation (his fingers, her fingers, vibrators, air-based stimulators, shower heads, etc). As a man, I find this concept weird. For instance, I can use my hand to bring myself to O. But if my DW were to add additional stimulation (kissing me, stroking me in random places, massaging my scrotum, or even just providing a visual treat), it’s only going to make things easier/faster.
So if a wife can readily bring herself to O through clitoral stimulation, why might she not be able to do it during simultaneous PIV? Zelda and I discussed it and we do have a few guesses (note I don’t list painful intercourse here, as that’s an obvious one but one that is overcome in most MB’s after a few months):
- Physical interference of the ability to stimulate the clitoris because of jostling from thrusting
- Mental distraction by providing a new sensation
- Inability to use the ideal position for the woman because of the need for another body
- Self-consciousness of stimulating herself in front of her husband
- Lack of time to get into a proper rhythm due to short duration of PIV
I also want to confirm that this issue is real and significant. This survey from TMB showed that only 4% of women had not yet O’d, but a full 22% had never O’d during PIV (side note: if you haven’t seen that poll before, it’s a solid read). And I think we can agree that it’s not because women don’t want to–as unfortunately there are plenty of women who beat themselves up from not O’ing during intercourse!
So, to summarize–what are some of the factors you (or your DW) have experienced that cause this or factors that you have read can contribute?
p.s. If the above survey link doesn’t work for you, copy/paste this one: https://themarriagebed.com/survey-orgasmic-experience/
Interesting question…. this has never been an issue for me either, and the only other thing I can think of that you didn’t state already is….
•They haven’t experimented and tried to find something that would make it work for them…. maybe they are embarrassed to initiate it with their husband, maybe they are comfortable and content with how things are, maybe they fear failure, maybe they are just ignorant and don’t know about the other choices and options out there, or don’t know there are other ways, maybe they have closed themselves up in such a small box (no toys, no variety, etc) that they have proverbially tied their own hands behind their back to make it impossible.
Good question, Scott. I have often wondered, myself, why so many women find it more difficult to O during PIV. Its not an issue for me, either. I find that O’ing during PIV is easier and MUCH better than without PIV.
But, possibly its harder for couples to really start trying for the wife to O during PIV, after they’ve been married for many years? I think it would be for us. I think I would be more self conscious and therefore, less relaxed, if we decided to start trying for that now. Maybe this isn’t the way it is, but I have sort of noticed its people who have been married awhile, that want to start trying for the wife to O during PIV. Wonder if they would try for that sooner in their marriage? Absolutely no idea. Just musings!
It has nothing to do with self consciousness, etc. for me. I think it has to do with precise clitoral stimulation. I used to have O’s almost exclusively through WOT thrusting where i was in complete control, H and i would orgasm together from it 99% of the time.
Cannot do that position anymore and we usually bring me to O before PIV. Even vibrator with PIV doesn’t accomplish the job, just too much work for me to concentrate on the PIV act (it is very physical and exhausting for me). I just think it is the clitoris doing the majority of work for women and for a lot it needs to be just right.
Unfortunate, it would be really really nice if women didn’t have to struggle with O to begin with.
It is very rare for me to O from PIV. For it to happen the stars need to be aligned. DH has finally stoped stressing about it. It was less likely to happen when he took the lack of O as a hit to his manhood🤦🏼♀️.
I experience more of an emotional connection when I don’t O.
DW has always O’d during PIV. However I now have ED due to my age and have had to major on manual sex for her. Fortunately she still O’s every time. We major on foreplay now because of the situation bt no oral sex as she is not comfortable with it. Personally I am enjoying the foreplay almost more than the PIV as we are ding things I thought we would never do as we have had to use our imagination.
Perhaps it is due to distraction or thought interruption for a DW. Mrs. Oldbear is very orgasmic during PIV or any variation of sex with me. She controls her clitoral stimulation with my complementary assistance on other erogenous zones including PIV. However, if her attention shifts to me – is she feeling, hearing, sensing how I’m ‘moving forward’ – it can interrupt her ramp-up to her O. OTOH, (pun intended), she is very able to control her ramp to an O during her solo masturbation depending on her desire to enjoy a leisure time or give herself a quickie.
For me (I’m female), I’d say it’s a physical thing, not a mental thing.
Specifically, the position of the clitoris, and how it can be stimulated in different PIV positions – sometimes the positioning of bodies makes direct clitoral stimulation difficult (or just different). This can make the woman’s progression towards O slower, or more difficult, or she may just not be able to get there at all because whatever stimulation she’s getting just isn’t enough to do the trick.
Sometimes, during clitoral stimulation, the accompanying variation in movement of the woman’s hips, legs, etc, can work to intensify the overall sensations (usually a good thing). However, during PIV, such movement of hips/legs can at times be a bit restricted (she’s not as free to move those parts in whatever direction she might want to, due to there being another body in the mix) – so she may not get the benefit of that additional intensity to help move things along in the right direction.
Sometimes there is seemingly no reasonable explanation for why a PIV O is difficult or elusive for the wife. Things can be going along very nicely during PIV, and the wife can feel like she’s building up to a very enjoyable O, and then all of a sudden it’s like the build-up just vanishes and it’s back to square one (very very frustrating!). Or the stimulation that was feeling very very nice suddenly changes to feeling irritating, so again, the nice build-up is lost (yes, super frustrating!). I can’t pinpoint any of this on any ‘mental’ issues (self-consciousness, etc). For me, it’s just a physical thing that sometimes just happens and is out of my control.
One last thought…
@Scott, you said, “As a man, I find this concept weird. For instance, I can use my hand to bring myself to O. But if my DW were to add additional stimulation (kissing me, stroking me in random places, massaging my scrotum, or even just providing a visual treat), it’s only going to make things easier/faster.”
Count yourself (and most men) blessed! If only it worked so wonderfully easily for most of us females 🙂.
My DW has this issue; she can O by lying face down on a wand, but cannot O when using a bullet vibe while we cuddle or engage in PIV sex. She tells me one factor is the vibrations from the wand are more effective at stimulating her; typically we operate the wand on its lower setting, so the vibrations are at a lower frequency than what is produced by most smaller vibrators. Once a week we make it a point to try to have her O from cuddling or PIV sex + clitoral stimulation, and once or twice we have come close. When the local sex toy store re-opens from the COVID crisis I am going to look for a smaller vibe that has a wider range of vibration settings so we can get something a bit closer to the feeling of the wand.
My wife can O consistently only through manual sex from me. She has explained that it often takes great focus to do so and doing anything else distracts her, like trying PIV or toys. However, I’m betting that Seeking Change and Brenna’s answers apply to us as well though. We are clearly settled in a long working pattern, and have not experimented any great deal. She has shot down toys and not reacted well to attempts at additional manual stimulation during PIV.
Your post reminds me that this is an issue I’m going to need to discuss and push her on. I’m now having trouble reaching O myself on occasion when we only use PIV. Her lack of enthusiasm is the biggest factor. Breaking out of our pattern and trying to find a way to help her towards O during PIV I suspect might help us both.
I think it’s quite simple: DW tells me that she needs her clitoris stimulated in a particular way for a guaranteed orgasm. PIV alone does not do this. So she needs direct clitoral simulation and I can only do this using my fingers. On a positive note, this works reliably, so I am happy to provide it. We normally only progress to PIV once she is about 90% from the finish line.