Why do you come to TMB?

    I’ve been to this site for years, taken a break and then come back. My reasons for being here was mostly to vent and/or develop solutions to a sexually unfulfilled marriage . Later I desired to build up evidence to bring to my wife and prove that many Christian couples do many sex acts that are often considered repulsive.  Then I realized that I don’t see how I would ever show her this site. Then I saw that in many cases, TMB members were shaming people by using scripture to show error.  I am shamed often here. I also noticed a lot of rhetorical use of kind words, bible quotes and verbal encouragement. (“The Lord is your rock”) Anyway, then I saw a way I could help in some areas, such as pornography issues, low sex drive issues, and general advice on those not feeling sexually fulfilled.  My only goal is to use methods that are pragmatic.  (James 2:16)

    What are your reasons for coming here?

    Do you believe I can help you?

    Hammock Asked on May 31, 2020 in None of The Above.
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    13 Answer(s)

      I believe we all can be of help to each other. Each according to our God-given gifting, our insights, our experiences, our openness, our spiritual walk with Jesus, etc. It is my conviction that most of us are here to be helped or to help others!

      So, why am I here?

      1. Mostly to learn and then to benefit from what I learn. God has brought so many gifted and experienced people here over the past 15 years or so since I first visited here. I’m thankful to each of them!
      2. To understand. Through what others share, I gain so much understanding and insight into the struggles people face – that are probably similar to those of the people in the circles I move in real life – and the joys they experience when they become sexually generous!
      3. Curiosity and interest. Human relationships and human sexuality interest me – especially as God would want us to experience them.
      4. I’m here to help. I recognize my limited ability in this as the way I experience life and particularly in my MB, are a very narrow slice of life and often dissimilar from many others. So, sometimes I wonder if the time spent here is worth it – especially when, a) the results may never be known, and b) the likelihood of ever meeting anyone here in real life while here on earth is miniscule.
      Under the stars Answered on May 31, 2020.

      great answer

       

      on May 31, 2020.

      Thanks!

      on May 31, 2020.

      A very nice list, OWM.

      on May 31, 2020.

      Thank you!

       

      on June 1, 2020.
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        Mostly curiosity: what do other normal, committed, married couples get up to in bed? This is not a subject you can discuss with your friends, but in the anonymity of the forum, we can all be honest with each other and share our experiences. Plus this forum is free of the “sexual bragging”, pornographic nonsense and made-up stories that characterizes some other websites.

        As to what is normal and what is repulsive… as long as you stay within the boundaries of a faithful, Christian marriage, I think it’s really up the couple. There are things DW and I don’t do simply because we don’t find them a turn-on but for other couples, it’s the norm, so that’s OK.

        Fell out of ... Answered on May 31, 2020.

        Totally, yeah, I agree. Someone recently recommended web site, “marriage heat”…It was so, porno, so unrealistic that you would have to be a sexual athlete and such stamina to do the deed daytime, evening and then wake up and do it again…this really gave it away as a false story telling. TMB keeps things in line, allows us to give info in a sort of PG format.

        on May 31, 2020.

        In my opinion, Marriage Heat is just titillating, erotic literature. It can, and probably does, lead people into other temptations, almost like a gateway drug. -Scott

        on May 31, 2020.

        @Scott  not to mention the stories are embellished to the hilt, i just roll my eyes at the one’s i’ve read.

        on May 31, 2020.
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          I’m primarily here for hope and encouragement. I’ve been married 23 years and our MB is not where I wish it would be. I’ve been pursuing more learning lately through some other marriage blogs, but I don’t tend to get much of that from these forums. But what I do sometimes get is hope that things can indeed get better.

          Queen bed Answered on May 31, 2020.
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            My biggest reason for coming here is to learn. I have especially enjoyed learning more about men and how they think. And how males and females think so differently!

            As for everyone helping each other, I agree. I once heard someone say we are either a missionary or a mission field. I believe I am more a mission field than a missionary.

            Under the stars Answered on May 31, 2020.

            We’re always learning.

            on June 1, 2020.
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              To openly communicate with both men and (especially) women regarding a vital part of Christian marriage that I could never discuss face-to-face or to the degree possible here, IRL.  As a senior who is approaching our 46th anniversary, possibly offer the voice of experience (both good and bad) to a younger brother or sister dealing with a challenge or issue that DW and I have experienced.

              Fell out of ... Answered on June 3, 2020.
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                Many similar reasons here.

                King bed Answered on May 31, 2020.
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                  Then I saw that in many cases, TMB members were shaming people by using scripture to show error.  I am shamed often here. I also noticed a lot of rhetorical use of kind words, bible quotes and verbal encouragement. (“The Lord is your rock”)

                  I don’t find that people here have a lack of genuine care.  It is a place we can hopefully invest in each other’s lives digitally.

                  What are your reasons for coming here?

                  It began with the main page.  The articles on it are so well thought out and well written that they were a fresh surprise and set apart from many others.

                  Do you believe I can help you?

                  I hope so.  I hope everyone here can bless, lift, and edify each other.

                  Fell out of ... Answered on May 31, 2020.

                  sd,

                  there is shaming. It is the bread and butter of the church. I like to look at it a little different; For instance, on the subject of grooming, I gave my opinion and someone mentioned that societies groomed because they were pagan…I don’t want to go into it but really, I wanted to point out that grooming, sex acts and sex positions are all done in liberality INSIDE a marriage between a man and a woman. People often just step in and give an opinion in an effort to show sin. I did this sort of thing for years. People shunned me to avoid hearing my “corrective” ways.

                  I suppose that often, I need to mention my intentions to people when I give an opinion.

                  In this case here, I desire for people to exchange ideas and things that work in order to have better marriages. After all, the extended family, friends, neighbors and co-workers are watching us christians. They want hope. If for instance, My spouse and I enjoy a new sex position I learned here on TMB and I am a happy guy at work as a result, people may want to know why. In that case I could answer that God gave me a great wife.  Now if I ask a fellow church member a sex question and they tell me that (the sex subject matter) was founded on pagan civilization ideas…I may feel shameful and therefore remain sexually UNfulfilled. Thats not good for me, my wife or people who may see me as depressed.

                  I hope this makes sense.

                  on June 1, 2020.

                  The “bread and butter” of the church is the Word of God, detailing His love, grace, mercy, hope, truth, plan of salvation, offer of deliverance from sin.

                  on June 1, 2020.

                  I would agree that some “Christians”  make shaming and judgementalism their “bread and butter.” Lots of misleading, sometimes sinful reasons for that I am sure. Sometimes there are those who do it in all sincerity – and like Paul, do not recognize their sin at the time. Knee-jerk responses to those that do such does nothing to open eyes or hearts. So we should all be careful, and answer with grace and love first. First. It is only on rare occasion that more direct, perhaps aggressive conversation is warranted. Jesus took up a whip on occasion. He spoke with harsh truth at times. But neither was his daily practice.

                  on June 1, 2020.

                  Slipthegrasp,

                  Yeah you’re correct, however Christians are instructed to cast out sinners who refuse to stop certain sin. So Shame IS a tool, I wish it wasn’t so harsh in some situations but if one is motivated by not just pleasing the Lord but also by one’s reputation, we might be able to add some more righteousness to the body. Really though, in the past I wanted to tell a pastor that his dishonest dealings with their tenant was wrong but my low status kept me quiet. I felt that I would be shamed by everyone at the church so I stayed silent. Shame is very familiar to me.

                  on June 3, 2020.
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                    One thing that raised my curiosity and led me to come here was that occasionally DW and I do something that, while very enjoyable, I used to feel a bit silly about, although DW is quite happy to engage in it and reckons it is nothing to feel embarrassed about. One one occasion we snuggled up afterwards and I commented on the action and I made a remark like “I doubt that your sister Kate and her husband are doing it”.  DW laughed and said “well, I can hardly ask her that“. So I started wondering how I could find out if what we did was really that unusual and found this forum.

                    By the way, I have come to the conclusion that everything we do in our marriage bed is done by other couples too. That’s quite nice to know.

                    Fell out of ... Answered on June 1, 2020.

                    I will say one thing about your comment; we are all human and the intimacy we all participate in is similar for all. You know…this goes there, rub that, etc. But I’ve always wondered why we need books on sex positions. To me there are maybe 4 or 5 official positions and variation of each. So we all are really “doing it” the same as anyone else.

                    on June 3, 2020.
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                      The reason has changed over time. I first came here (old board) out of desperation, seeking answers, seeking options, seeking ways to make some changes, seeking understanding that I surely was missing. This was not the only place I looked. I found a lot of the previous, as well as some surprises here. You find that people are people just about wherever you find them. I also found some good people who have open hearts and minds. I found a lot of pain, but I found some healing too.

                      Now my reasons are often different. Sometimes it is to see if there is someone I feel I can help. Sometimes just by letting them know they are not alone – because that was important for me. Sometimes I come here to air out an idea or a thought. Maybe I already have the answer, or have even already lived it. But I do spend time teaching and actively helping others in my “real life” and have used this forum as sort of a sounding board.

                      Often times, I come here to check myself. Check my anger, or my frustration, or my lostness. Interactions here have often helped me work through things in my head before I work them out for real. Kinda like a “dry run”, if you will.

                      I have to admit sometimes coming here is very difficult and hard on me. When you read of situations that are apparently much more “free” than yours, it can increase the pain and frustration you are feeling in your own relationship. But it doesn’t take a lot of effort to find just as many if not more who are struggling with far more painful situations or more powerful demons than yours. Perspective is everything. You can get a lot of it here if you are attentive.

                      I hope that anyone who comes here can get some feeling of understanding and acceptance at some level. But we have to recognize, just like we are seeing in our world today, that every person’s experience is unique, so then their filter through which they view life is unique. Some are skewed with sin, done by them or to them. Others are looking through lens hardened and clarified by years of experience. Other’s lens are fogged and cloudy, and for the same reasons of time and experience. Anyone who comes here should take the time to weigh every response in the scale.

                      On the floor Answered on June 1, 2020.

                      As I’ve said before, it is known that one partner wants sex more than the other. In this case the one who wants it less “controls the relationship.” Again, something I heard once.

                      But really; if the relationship IS important to the person with the weaker sex drive, why not fix the situation? There are options as opposed to ignoring ANY action.

                      on June 3, 2020.
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                        I first discovered TMB right before the old board was deactivated. I was just interested in learning how we could refresh our relationship and up our sexual game since we had allowed it to stagnate a bit. I wanted to do my lurk-and-learn thing first, but when I came back again, it had vanished. Later, I found this new iteration, and in the meantime DH and I had had a watershed moment and already begun to try to revitalize our sex life. I found this community to be encouraging, informative, inspiring, accepting, and a place where I could actually offer my own thoughts to a receptive group. It’s a group of people I really like, and with whom I can discuss something I can’t discuss with anyone in my “real” life. I really enjoy the friendships I have developed here and appreciate the positive influence this group has had on not just my relationship with my husband, but also my relationship with Christ. I aim to be an encouragement, to explore and discuss thoughts, and to offer any knowledge I have gained by experience to anyone who might benefit from it. And I really like hanging out with my friends!

                        Under the stars Answered on June 1, 2020.
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