Why does planning a vacation have to include planning for sex?
My DH has planned a much needed vacation for the family. We are going to a cabin near a day spa so I can get some much needed pandemic time pampering. He wanted to get a cheesey honeymoon suite with mirrors and a hot tub, which I know the reason for. We settled on a tasteful cabin instead, but as soon as it was booked he started asking if we would be having sex on the vacation. I do not like the idea of being expected to perform and would rather let it happen if it is going to happen. Why does DH feel the need to plan everything including times to ml? It is making me anxious and I can’t get as excited as if I knew we were just getting away for a week to relax.
It’s pretty obvious from past posts, you don’t like sex. period.
If your husband is a Bible-believing. God-fearing man, the only place he can have sex is WITH you, but yet, you don’t ever want him asking or desiring it from you or with you. What’s a husband to do? One day, you may get your wish, and have no husband who desires you or sex with you….vacation or not.
Tabitha, my advice is that you need to figure out what is going on inside you that is stealing this joy from you and your husband. You need to pray and ask the Lord to help you because you are likely not be able to get past this on your own. You said something about “would rather let it happen if it is going to happen”, but if your husband is looking for sex and isn’t getting it but barely every 2 months, let’s be honest, your attitude is not “I’m workable to letting it happen.”. Being workable to letting it happen is how it should be, nearly all the time.
If you wonder why it is always an issue between him and you, it is because it is not right between him and you. You are not giving yourself up to his desires. In this mode you may look at every and any reason to avoid, say no, put off, etc., but it all comes down to the what is going on inside you that drives you to those actions. If you want this problem solved, and no longer an issue, you are going to have to get right about it, until then it will be the elephant in the room, right?
I hope you figure it out and figure it out soon. No matter how secure you feel, this is a very dangerous place for a marriage to be. It is not right, but the pressure this places on your husband as scripture says will definitely tempt him into sin. Some husbands will endure this for awhile, some longer than others, but he is almost certainly enduring it worse than you think. You may be overestimating that you are in a secure place in this.
Do you want to in the same place you are now in a year? Or possibly in a worse place? Don’t dig your feet in thinking you are in the right – you are not in the right. What you don’t know is the fire you are playing with and how much it could cost.
I have a challenge for you – make a commitment to have sex with your husband twice a week for 3 months. You will be surprised on the other side of it how much better your marriage can be.
I am by no means an expert, but I do have lots of kids and also in-laws who live with us. The fact that someone may just be hearing us has taken a little getting used to. You can get to where you’re comfortable making love in that kind of a setting.
Without squashing your husband’s hopes and/or hurting him, you can come up with creative solutions to help you feel comfortable with vacation sex. If it were me, I would share my fears with my DH, then ask him to help me come up with creative solutions to those issues. Put a movie on for the kids? Bring along a door knob cover and hope it fits? Plan to put heavy suitcases in front of the door? Another one is setting an alarm and waking up to make love in the middle of the night when everyone is sound asleep. Your DH may be so happy at the prospect of vacation sex he may not mind the creative solutions.
In your every day life, (I’m assuming you have children) it may be time to begin thinking about gently preparing your children for the fact that mom and dad need time alone sometimes. Have some practice runs if you need to, where you don’t do anything sexual in your bedroom but inform the kids you’ll be having alone time, and lock the door for awhile.
Seeing sex as an inconvenience and not feeling secure enough in your surroundings to make love is something you can work on; it doesn’t have to define you.
Vacation sex is awesome for most people. It’s a lot of fun in a different environment. (Dear wife and I are looking forward next month to go back by ourselves to our honeymoon house and recreating some awesome memories and making a whole mess more!)
SC is right. You want your husband to exercise self control, remain faithful, and honor you but the ONLY place he can honor God and seek sexual connection is with you….and past posts say you don’t like making love once a month. That is cruel. The only place/time certain hormones in his body are released is when he’s making love whereas women get it from making love, childbirth, breastfeeding and other friendships. This is a bonding hormone.
It seems to me there are bigger issues in your marriage that need to be addressed. Why not exercise some self-control and choose to get into having sex twice during the week of vacation? Why is it you only let him have sex on your terms? How about choosing to serve him AND better your marriage on this vacation? It seems to me you’re treating sex as a chore rather than a God-honoring, bonding activity designed to draw married couples together and bond them for life?
In an effort to not say the things I really want to say, I am going to make this one comment and then leave this thread alone.
Tabitha, there are some things you just don’t understand.
1- You don’t understand that it is natural and normal for your husband to have a strong sex drive. It is ABNORMAL for a wife to expect her husband to be satisfied with, what you’ve said in the past, is about once per month.
2- You don’t understand that sex is easy. A guy could go pick up a random person in a bar or pay for it, if he really wanted it. Either would be far easier than asking, no BEGGING a rejecting wife for 20 years. You don’t understand that your husband doesn’t just want sex. He wants you! He wants sex with you! I pray and hope that you some day realize how much pain and anguish you’ve caused him, all while blaming him for causing you anxiety just for him wanting something special and sacred for the two of you.
3- You don’t understand what a bad impression you are giving your children by hiding the fact that married couples have sex from them. You are giving them some baggage that their future marriages will pay to deal with.
Just a short different point of view. I understand working and accommodating persons concerns for when or where to have sex and the right time for both. It happens and well other times are available for sex too?
But you are worrying about others hearing you and or seeing you? Have you thought about seeing and hearing your husband though? If you could see and hear what is going on inside your husband, well some of us at times anyway, and hear the sighs of rejection and see the anguish he may be experiencing. He may be crying inside it happens. In fact crying now just writing about it! T
Call me crazy, but vacation sex is my favorite flavor! But I realize not everyone sees it that way. Is it possible he enjoys the anticipation and just wants to talk about it? I tend to bring up things I’m excited about in the future.
Maybe explore what part and why you don’t find sex on vacation relaxing. Is it because your kids are near by? Is there pressure to try new things? Can you talk about those things with your DH?
I think it’s probably because when you’re on holiday you can relax and are away from the usual routines and stresses of life.
It’s much easier to have a romantic meal when someone else is cooking, or when you don’t have to worry about whether you can get away from work on time. Similarly, you don’t have to worry about getting to bed on time because you don’t have to get up for work in the morning. Or you can make love in the morning because you don’t have to leave for work.
Often if you’re on holiday you can do things you wouldn’t be able to do at home, like using a hot tub (because you don’t have one at home) or sharing a bath or shower (because the one in the hotel is bigger than the one at home).
Speak to your husband, but I’m guessing that he feels the need to plan everything because if he doesn’t plan things, they don’t happen.
@NWNL, don’t miss, sex wasn’t brought up for TWO months, and when it was she was bothered. That’s not even the once a month you addressed.
This “Tabitha” has shown she’s really not open to counsel or that she desires to live as a God-honoring, generous wife, so you can try to counsel and help, but I wouldn’t waste too much energy on it.