Why even ask a LD spouse for sex?
Why would you even ask a LD spouse for sex? I seems to me that you are asking someone you are supposed to be kind and loving to to do something that they would rather not do. That really doesn’t seem like a very kind thing to do. As a spouse we are to always put our spouses wants and desires ahead of our own.
Iknow that envy is a very strong word ; but I envy all of you who have this sex.thing all figured out. I can only imagine what a relationship would be like to have a mutually satisfying sex life.
Why ask an LD for sex? I think because low desire doesn’t always translate to a bad experience. Low desire often just means slow to arousal. To never have sex would be to deprive them of something that could provide benefits in many ways. (This is coming from someone who has had lengthy periods of being LD.)
I’m not sure we are to put our spouse’s desires above our own. That would mean allowing someone to remain stagnant in something that wasn’t good for them, just because they desired it. That wouldn’t be loving, it would be enabling.
Rarely, perhaps never, are the sexual drives of a wife and husband perfectly matched. That means one of the spouses will have a lower drive (LrD). Importantly, the gap between the HrD and LrD spouse matters, the attitude of each spouse matters, and the response of each spouse matters when sexual appetites and fulfillment aren’t in sync.
Mrs. Youngbear/Oldbear has always had LrD than me. As we’ve aged, the gap has narrowed as my drive has lowered (naturally) more dramatically than hers. Both of us, though, have sex drive and we do get horny; not as often, not as urgently, not as powerfully. Our gap in sex drive is a reality and we embrace it with generous understanding and appreciation for each other. Generosity is a two-way response. She can be very generous (lovingly engaged) when sex Is worth the effort and I am generous (lovingly considerate) when sex is more work than pleasure.
Lit, consider these three sexual drive dynamics.
1. How great a gap exists between your drives and is it growing or closing?
2. Talk about how each of you feel (attitude) about the disconnect. For example, you may feel rejected, sexually frustrated, ready to take things into your own hands (literally), angry, etc. She may be irritated, frustrated, feel guilty, taken advantage of, etc. Perhaps you’ve already done this, perhaps not. Sorting out your attitudes and working on understanding and appreciating each other’s feelings is an important step.
3. Working on our response to the gaps in sexual drive and intimacy is hard. Neither ‘flight’ nor ‘fight’ solves anything. Being sorry for ourselves or being angry at our spouse foments our angst. Little things can help. For example, show a little ‘love language.’ Difficult as that may be for the irritated LrD spouse when the horny spouse won’t let up or for the HrD spouse when turned down for the 3rd time in 3 days, genuinely showing love through your spouse’s love language will take the edge off disappointment for both spouse.
Hope this helps!
Lit – I felt that way for years. I remember laying awake for hours at night after being refused night after night and just wondering what was wrong with me. When I became a student of how she was created by her good and loving creator, I began to understand why her lack of spontaneous desire had no correlation to my ability or skills or attractiveness as a love. I can’t expect my wife to respond sexually like me because he made man and woman differently.
What changed in me what changed in me was learning about her responsive desire. I have spontaneous desire. I just want sex all the time. It doesn’t take a big amount of effort for me. I see her. I love her. I want her. But Christ didn’t make her like me. We are very different creatures. For her, desire is something to be awakened and drawn out of her. It has to be coaxed and invited sweetly. Physiologically in her, she has to be physically aroused before she BEGINS to feel desire or want sex. Once I understood that I began to change how I approach her and what I assume about myself.
I believe scripture is crystal clear that he made sex to be a wonderful gift to both the man and the woman. That means it’s our job to become students of how he made us so we can better align our thoughts and actions so that we’ll have fuller joy – relationally, emotionally, sexually, maritally. Thats a long process. I’ve been at it for over a year, and my DW and I have gone from actively wounding one another almost daily to now being at neutral. We are taking very very slow steps, but Christ has been actively healing me.
Sex Chat for Christian Wives has been wonderfully helpful to learn about my bride. So has reading this message board. These people have been used by Christ to bring new life into the pain and suffering in my marriage.
And with that – to directly answer your question – I continue to initiate with my LD wife because I believe God made her to fully and wholly delight in sex and she’s not there yet. But I continue to pray together with her about it and initiate discussions in an attempt to pull her towards all Christ has for us.
Why ask a LD spouse for sex? I think the answer is that when two people get married, it is understood that there will be sex. It is unreasonable for a person to marry and think that sex will be rare. Of course, there will be times in a marriage when sex is not possible (illness, right after childbirth, etc.)
I also will echo what peachrings said. There is such a thing as responsive desire. I am always ready to make love to my DW, but she does not become interested in intercourse until we have been cuddling, touching etc. Also, as I have shared many times before, she cannot achieve an O without the use of a vibrator. It took us many, many years into our marriage before we discovered these things, and there were many tears along the way. In short, living with a HD / LD mismatch takes time, patience, effort, lots of communication, but through hard work and prayer things can change for the better.
Lit, I will be praying for you and your wife.
There are several reasons why we should ask an LD spouse for sex. I think the bluntness of your statement exemplifies the pain of us HD spouses that have worked to please and provide for our spouse. We are of those that have served and sacrificed for and then agonized in her response of little or no sexual desire. For the longest time in my life, I hated the title of Kevin Leman’s book, “Sex Begins in the Kitchen” because I knew that for us the principal simply was not true. I understood that there was something else, something beyond my devotion and service that was actively blocking her response.
I would propose the good godly reasons for continuing to ask your spouse for sex include the following.
- You can’t continue to pray for both of you without testing the waters, knowing the limits, and bringing the plight before the throne of God.
- You cannot fully comprehend the scriptures regarding the principle of the mutual sexual submission without asking, (1 Cor. 7:3-5). You cannot maintain a biblical world view if it does not begin in your marriage bed.
- You cannot understand her or his thinking without the challenge of simply asking, else they would simply hide or ignore the God-given joy belonging to both of you. (remember that the orgasm is a physical expression of the depth of the Creator’s love for His church). It is not enough to know that your spouse does not like something, you need to know why, how and when that came to be. Finally, you will not be able to help your spouse develop a plan to climb out of his or her hole of voided sexual desire and responses until you have gone through the difficulty of this learning.
- You cannot be faithful to the Lord without walking though the task that He has blessed you with.
Good sex takes practice.
If you read other posts on this board, you’ll see that plenty of women struggle with arousal problems or difficulty reaching orgasm, and plenty of couples have mismatched sex drives. Sometimes the church has also gone too far in its teaching on sexual purity giving people unhealthy views around sex within marriage as something to be endured for procreation rather than a blessing from God to be enjoyed.
Ultimately, you and your wife need to communicate, experiment and compromise. You need to communicate with your wife so that you understand her problems and so that you can experiment and find something she enjoys. You may also have to compromise on sexual frequency. Finally, it might be worth her seeing a doctor if this doesn’t resolve itself as hormonal imbalances can affect female sexual desire and experience.
Side Note: Honestly, the biggest thing that changed in me, the beginning of my healing, was Christ miraculously changing my heart. I was sitting with my pastor just pouring my wounded heart out to him and I was reminded that Christ calls me to lead in my marriage. I am called to lead in love. I am called to lead in sacrifice. And I decided right then and there that I loved my wife more than I loved sex. And I put sex on the alter and sacrificed it to God. I told him that I would do whatever it took to make my marriage work and bless and honor my wife and if that took giving up sex then so be it. Her heart thriving is more important than what her body can do for me. And Christ genuinely healed me in that moment. When I gave up my ‘rights’ to sex in order to grow my wife in holiness, he healed me of that insatiable drive and ‘burning’ for sex. I still desired it, but it didn’t control me anymore. I began to focus more on serving her the way Christ made her (see my original response) and pursuing her heart. That has made a world of difference.
We still have a LONG way to go. Its still not good. I still fall and mess up. I still have long times of longing for her affection. But I’m not the man I used to be. Christ is healing us.
Be encouraged. Keep pressing into Christ.
Many people have the misconception that conflict is a bad thing. Conflict is a catalyst for growth and it’s an opportunity to have a greater inimacy if done right.
Complete selflessness is as wrong as selfishness. Selflessness enables anothers selfishness and sin. There has to be a balance.
Peachrings actually hit on a very important part, a relationship in your life that is far more, and eternally important, than your sexual relationship. You have not done too much, been too bad, that God gave up on you and can’t nor won’t forgive you. He actually already fully took care of it almost 2000 years ago, by giving His Son, Christ Jesus, to pay the price and be the sacrifice for your sin. It’s fully there and fully available, you just have to believe it and accept it, you have to believe Christ and accept Christ. We aren’t saved by our works but by God’s grace, through faith (Ephesians 2:8). If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9). If we die with Christ, we will also live with Him (Romans 6).
The Bible does say God hears the prayers of the righteous. Anyone who is in Christ Jesus and is covered by His blood, IS righteous. You, or anyone else who hears, can have that too, there’s an invitation and call out for all men to be saved.
The reason to ask is because it is what is right. 1 cor 7 3-5 goes over this clearly in stark contrast to what culture teaches. Each has a duty to fulfill to the other. It also happens to be what is best for a marriage – both husband and wife to be satisfied and filled in this area. I think frequent multiple times a week if desired marital sex is hugely important to keep the marriage living, breathing, and growing.
It is not a good thing for either spouse to suffer because their spouse is sinning against them. It is not noble on the part of a man to suffer while ignoring his wife’s sin as he is told to wash her in the word so she is without blemish. It is not noble on the part of a woman to suffer and ignore her husband’s sin as she should respectfully make her needs known and her husband should work hard to meet them. Ideal is no sin, but next up is that the sin is brought out into the open where it can be worked on and hopefully repented of and put into the past.
It is also a bigger picture issue than marital sex. It is a responsibility issue and an obedience to Him issue. There are certainly challenges that get in the way, but they are very much worth working through. Sex shouldn’t be a once in a while thing, but the norm for any arbitrary day. Not asking should not become the norm – not asking is actually hurting both and the marriage.
This whole God thing is never completely accomplished in this life.
Read your Bible carefully and see the genuine struggles of every single person in the story. Remember that King David was called a man after God’s own heart and then read the story of his adultery with Bathsheba and how he tried to cover it up and then when that didn’t work conspired to have her husband murdered. Or see how Peter was the first to confess Jesus as the Christ and pledged to die in Jesus’ place before denying him three times. And then remember that none of us is any better.
We’re all guilty sinners who need to be humbled daily, to repent of our sins daily and to come before the throne of grace and remember that it is only through the atoning blood of Christ shed for us on the cross that we can be forgiven.
This Christmas remember that unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given and he shall be called wonderful counsellor, prince of peace, everlasting God.