Why even ask a LD spouse for sex?


    Why would you even ask a LD spouse for sex?  I seems to me that you are asking someone you are supposed to be kind and loving to to do something that they would rather not do.  That really doesn’t seem like a very kind thing to do.  As a spouse we are to always put our spouses wants and desires ahead of our own.

    Iknow that envy is a very strong word ; but I envy all of you who have this sex.thing all figured out.  I can only imagine what a relationship would be like to have a mutually satisfying sex life.

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      Dear LIT,

      There are several reasons why we should ask an LD spouse for sex. I think the bluntness of your statement exemplifies the pain of us HD spouses that have worked to please and provide for our spouse.   We are of those that have served and sacrificed for and then agonized in her response of little or no sexual desire. For the longest time in my life, I hated the title of Kevin Leman’s book, “Sex Begins in the Kitchen” because I knew that for us the principal simply was not true. I understood that there was something else, something beyond my devotion and service that was actively blocking her response.

      I would propose the good godly reasons for continuing to ask your spouse for sex include the following.

        1. You can’t continue to pray for both of you without testing the waters, knowing the limits, and bringing the plight before the throne of God.


        1. You cannot fully comprehend the scriptures regarding the principle of the mutual sexual submission without asking, (1 Cor. 7:3-5). You cannot maintain a biblical world view if it does not begin in your marriage bed.


        1. You cannot understand her or his thinking without the challenge of simply asking, else they would simply hide or ignore the God-given joy belonging to both of you. (remember that the orgasm is a physical expression of the depth of the Creator’s love for His church). It is not enough to know that your spouse does not like something, you need to know why, how and when that came to be. Finally, you will not be able to help your spouse develop a plan to climb out of his or her hole of voided sexual desire and responses until you have gone through the difficulty of this learning.


        1. You cannot be faithful to the Lord without walking though the task that He has blessed you with.


      Ask on!

      Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on December 14, 2019.
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        Lit – we are praying for you. And remember that the beauty of Grace is that it’s God’s love for us that we didn’t earn. And if you didn’t earn it you don’t have to be good to keep it. It’s your because of Jesus’goodness, not yours.
        I consider my own kids. They couldn’t possibly sin enough to get me to stop loving them. So how much more loving and kind is our perfectly heavenly Father!
        Over and over he holds me when I have nothing left. He will do the same for you.
        Keep pressing into him.

        King bed Answered on December 14, 2019.
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          Thanks to all who have responded.  Dovegrey, I am quite surprised by your comments that at one time you thought as I do. I figured most everyone on this board has this whole God thing completely accomplished. Done completed. I have lived my entire life by the motto that nothing is free. You work for everything and somethings you don’t get because you don’t measure up or can’t accomplish it.  I am fearcely independent and tend to not lean on anyone so I am not a bother to them. If I can’t get it done on my own then I probably won’t get done.  I absolutely loath people who believe they are entitled to something just because they breath

          Again thank you to all who used their precious time to respond you have given me some things to contemplate. I will continue to read on here for I realize that all on this forum a lot smarter and understand this who sex thing better than I ever will.  And you can help many more people with your vast knowledge.

          Double bed Answered on December 14, 2019.
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            This whole God thing is never completely accomplished in this life.

            Read your Bible carefully and see the genuine struggles of every single person in the story. Remember that King David was called a man after God’s own heart and then read the story of his adultery with Bathsheba and how he tried to cover it up and then when that didn’t work conspired to have her husband murdered. Or see how Peter was the first to confess Jesus as the Christ and pledged to die in Jesus’ place before denying him three times. And then remember that none of us is any better.

            We’re all guilty sinners who need to be humbled daily, to repent of our sins daily and to come before the throne of grace and remember that it is only through the atoning blood of Christ shed for us on the cross that we can be forgiven.

            This Christmas remember that unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given and he shall be called wonderful counsellor, prince of peace, everlasting God.

            Fell out of ... Answered on December 15, 2019.
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              I, too, don’t have much use for the entitled. I have a similar sense of independence to yours.

              The Christian worldview, as it was written in the Bible and not by entitled people who feel God exists to serve their purposes, fits in with that. God saves us from our sins, yes. But it is for his glory, not ours.

              And there are two steps to the process. The first is justification. That occurred when Christ sacrificed himself and then God called us to be part of his kingdom. That’s a one-and-done deal and has nothing to do with us other than accepting the call. But the second step, sanctification, is a life-long process. That involves more work on our part. Reading the Bible, growing in understanding of what it means to be Christ-like, conversing with wise believers and growing in the faith.

              We are never really finished with that process. I can assure you that I am far from finished. Some of us might be farther along, but we will all slip backwards at times. We will always need God, his Word, and the wise Christians he puts into our lives to help us with the journey. We’re human, we mess up, and God has resources in place to help us with that. From what I’ve seen, most of the people on this board are blessed to be part of that.

              I’m glad you’re here. This is what it means to be part of God’s people. We look out for each other.

              Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on December 15, 2019.
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                The reason to ask is because it is what is right.  1 cor 7 3-5 goes over this clearly in stark contrast to what culture teaches.  Each has a duty to fulfill to the other.  It also happens to be what is best for a marriage – both husband and wife to be satisfied and filled in this area.  I think frequent multiple times a week if desired marital sex is hugely important to keep the marriage living, breathing, and growing.

                It is not a good thing for either spouse to suffer because their spouse is sinning against them.  It is not noble on the part of a man to suffer while ignoring his wife’s sin as he is told to wash her in the word so she is without blemish.  It is not noble on the part of a woman to suffer and ignore her husband’s sin as she should respectfully make her needs known and her husband should work hard to meet them.  Ideal is no sin, but next up is that the sin is brought out into the open where it can be worked on and hopefully repented of and put into the past.

                It is also a bigger picture issue than marital sex.  It is a responsibility issue and an obedience to Him issue.  There are certainly challenges that get in the way, but they are very much worth working through.  Sex shouldn’t be a once in a while thing, but the norm for any arbitrary day.  Not asking should not become the norm – not asking is actually hurting both and the marriage.

                Fell out of ... Answered on December 15, 2019.
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                  Let me ask a question.
                  Is sex a need?

                  Let me ask a better question.
                  Is sex a need in marriage?

                  Without sex, if the marriage is not consummated an annulment is universally accepted.

                  Sex is most definitely a need and a requirement in marriage.
                  God’s intent on this is clear.

                  I absolutely have to say that your question is so simple, so elegant, so confounding……
                  it strikes at the very core of the issue many face in the marriage bed.

                  I’m a HD wife, and I have to say your perspective is not correct, but I sure understand it! LoL!

                  I’m gonna hang out, sit in the back row and grab some popcorn & read the responses. And shake my head yes as I agree every *** viewpoint on both sides!

                  Queen bed Answered on December 17, 2019.
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                    Constantly asking for something I don’t want to do feels unloving. There is nothing wrong with having a low sex drive, it is the way I was made. Love is genuinely caring for the needs of the other and recognizing they can’t give more than they can. Pressure and badgering to perform when you are not in the mood is unloving. Cherry picking verses about wives not depriving the husband is unloving. There needs to be compromise by both partners and acceptance of what you are able to give without further expectations.

                    Twin bed Answered on December 17, 2019.
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                      I understand that constantly being asked for something you don’t want feels unloving. Very true. Just as true as constantly being told you can’t have something you want is unloving. So, it sounds like two ways of living unloving lives.

                      Tabitha, don’t you see that your DH has made major compromises in how much sex he receives? Like, how much more should he be denied until you are pleased with his level of compromise for you?

                      How seriously have you considered compromising for him? As much as he is compromising for you? Like how about for two months you adjust to the level that he would enjoy?


                      Under the stars Answered on December 17, 2019.
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