Why even ask a LD spouse for sex?
Why would you even ask a LD spouse for sex? I seems to me that you are asking someone you are supposed to be kind and loving to to do something that they would rather not do. That really doesn’t seem like a very kind thing to do. As a spouse we are to always put our spouses wants and desires ahead of our own.
Iknow that envy is a very strong word ; but I envy all of you who have this sex.thing all figured out. I can only imagine what a relationship would be like to have a mutually satisfying sex life.
Why ask an LD for sex? I think because low desire doesn’t always translate to a bad experience. Low desire often just means slow to arousal. To never have sex would be to deprive them of something that could provide benefits in many ways. (This is coming from someone who has had lengthy periods of being LD.)
I’m not sure we are to put our spouse’s desires above our own. That would mean allowing someone to remain stagnant in something that wasn’t good for them, just because they desired it. That wouldn’t be loving, it would be enabling.
Good sex takes practice.
If you read other posts on this board, you’ll see that plenty of women struggle with arousal problems or difficulty reaching orgasm, and plenty of couples have mismatched sex drives. Sometimes the church has also gone too far in its teaching on sexual purity giving people unhealthy views around sex within marriage as something to be endured for procreation rather than a blessing from God to be enjoyed.
Ultimately, you and your wife need to communicate, experiment and compromise. You need to communicate with your wife so that you understand her problems and so that you can experiment and find something she enjoys. You may also have to compromise on sexual frequency. Finally, it might be worth her seeing a doctor if this doesn’t resolve itself as hormonal imbalances can affect female sexual desire and experience.
Lit – I felt that way for years. I remember laying awake for hours at night after being refused night after night and just wondering what was wrong with me. When I became a student of how she was created by her good and loving creator, I began to understand why her lack of spontaneous desire had no correlation to my ability or skills or attractiveness as a love. I can’t expect my wife to respond sexually like me because he made man and woman differently.
What changed in me what changed in me was learning about her responsive desire. I have spontaneous desire. I just want sex all the time. It doesn’t take a big amount of effort for me. I see her. I love her. I want her. But Christ didn’t make her like me. We are very different creatures. For her, desire is something to be awakened and drawn out of her. It has to be coaxed and invited sweetly. Physiologically in her, she has to be physically aroused before she BEGINS to feel desire or want sex. Once I understood that I began to change how I approach her and what I assume about myself.
I believe scripture is crystal clear that he made sex to be a wonderful gift to both the man and the woman. That means it’s our job to become students of how he made us so we can better align our thoughts and actions so that we’ll have fuller joy – relationally, emotionally, sexually, maritally. Thats a long process. I’ve been at it for over a year, and my DW and I have gone from actively wounding one another almost daily to now being at neutral. We are taking very very slow steps, but Christ has been actively healing me.
Sex Chat for Christian Wives has been wonderfully helpful to learn about my bride. So has reading this message board. These people have been used by Christ to bring new life into the pain and suffering in my marriage.
And with that – to directly answer your question – I continue to initiate with my LD wife because I believe God made her to fully and wholly delight in sex and she’s not there yet. But I continue to pray together with her about it and initiate discussions in an attempt to pull her towards all Christ has for us.
Side Note: Honestly, the biggest thing that changed in me, the beginning of my healing, was Christ miraculously changing my heart. I was sitting with my pastor just pouring my wounded heart out to him and I was reminded that Christ calls me to lead in my marriage. I am called to lead in love. I am called to lead in sacrifice. And I decided right then and there that I loved my wife more than I loved sex. And I put sex on the alter and sacrificed it to God. I told him that I would do whatever it took to make my marriage work and bless and honor my wife and if that took giving up sex then so be it. Her heart thriving is more important than what her body can do for me. And Christ genuinely healed me in that moment. When I gave up my ‘rights’ to sex in order to grow my wife in holiness, he healed me of that insatiable drive and ‘burning’ for sex. I still desired it, but it didn’t control me anymore. I began to focus more on serving her the way Christ made her (see my original response) and pursuing her heart. That has made a world of difference.
We still have a LONG way to go. Its still not good. I still fall and mess up. I still have long times of longing for her affection. But I’m not the man I used to be. Christ is healing us.
Be encouraged. Keep pressing into Christ.
Why ask a LD spouse for sex? I think the answer is that when two people get married, it is understood that there will be sex. It is unreasonable for a person to marry and think that sex will be rare. Of course, there will be times in a marriage when sex is not possible (illness, right after childbirth, etc.)
I also will echo what peachrings said. There is such a thing as responsive desire. I am always ready to make love to my DW, but she does not become interested in intercourse until we have been cuddling, touching etc. Also, as I have shared many times before, she cannot achieve an O without the use of a vibrator. It took us many, many years into our marriage before we discovered these things, and there were many tears along the way. In short, living with a HD / LD mismatch takes time, patience, effort, lots of communication, but through hard work and prayer things can change for the better.
Lit, I will be praying for you and your wife.
David thank you for taking time to respond. I really wish we could experiment but and change in routine is meet with much hesitation. I am not one to brow beat my spouse for anything.
Peach rings thank you for your comments. I think I understand responsive desire. The only hiccup with that is you have to have the he opportunity to create some arousal in order to get that desire. You said you need to be a student. As a student of my spouse I have asked many questions about likes and dislikes. I usually can get a response when asking about dislikes but rarely any comments on likes. I know this is a Christian forum and what I am about to say is not popular. Peach rings you said I need to ask God to change my spouse. I don’t ask God for anything for I firmly believe he has giv n up on me. How could anyone who has broken so many rules in the Bible so many times even consider being in god’s favor. Anyone con only put up with so much and I know I’ve reached my limit with God.
Olorin thank you for your concern. Oh I so wish we could try a vibrator but that is one thing that definitely off limits.
Thank you all for your prayers. Maybe by some chance God will respond to my needs if you guys ask
Rarely, perhaps never, are the sexual drives of a wife and husband perfectly matched. That means one of the spouses will have a lower drive (LrD). Importantly, the gap between the HrD and LrD spouse matters, the attitude of each spouse matters, and the response of each spouse matters when sexual appetites and fulfillment aren’t in sync.
Mrs. Youngbear/Oldbear has always had LrD than me. As we’ve aged, the gap has narrowed as my drive has lowered (naturally) more dramatically than hers. Both of us, though, have sex drive and we do get horny; not as often, not as urgently, not as powerfully. Our gap in sex drive is a reality and we embrace it with generous understanding and appreciation for each other. Generosity is a two-way response. She can be very generous (lovingly engaged) when sex Is worth the effort and I am generous (lovingly considerate) when sex is more work than pleasure.
Lit, consider these three sexual drive dynamics.
1. How great a gap exists between your drives and is it growing or closing?
2. Talk about how each of you feel (attitude) about the disconnect. For example, you may feel rejected, sexually frustrated, ready to take things into your own hands (literally), angry, etc. She may be irritated, frustrated, feel guilty, taken advantage of, etc. Perhaps you’ve already done this, perhaps not. Sorting out your attitudes and working on understanding and appreciating each other’s feelings is an important step.
3. Working on our response to the gaps in sexual drive and intimacy is hard. Neither ‘flight’ nor ‘fight’ solves anything. Being sorry for ourselves or being angry at our spouse foments our angst. Little things can help. For example, show a little ‘love language.’ Difficult as that may be for the irritated LrD spouse when the horny spouse won’t let up or for the HrD spouse when turned down for the 3rd time in 3 days, genuinely showing love through your spouse’s love language will take the edge off disappointment for both spouse.
Hope this helps!
What you said about not asking God for anything because you think he has given up on you is something I have been through. I know we’re not the only ones who have felt that way. We are all sinners. I won’t go through my past here, but my sins are so great I was certain God was not only finished with me, but actively punishing me. I couldn’t have been more wrong.
Read Luke 19 sometime. Verse 10 is Christ saying, “I have come to seek and save the lost.” He was criticized for that, for choosing to spend time with sinners instead of the righteous. But if we were all righteous, then there was no point of what he did in the cross.
When we say Christ died to save us from our sins, that sounds cute and all. But what it really means is, no one can live up to an ideal of perfection. Not one person can go through the Bible and say that they’ve checked all the boxes. I have read the Ten Commandments and have felt sick to my stomach because I’ve violated seven of them. If they were a test in school, that’s a 30%. So low that it’s worse than an F. You can’t come back from that in the real world.
But God is greater than that. The whole point of Christmas is that he sent his only son to earth just because he knew people like you and me needed someone to take on the burden of our past.
Everything God does is done for his own glory. Where is the glory in saving someone who’s so righteous he doesn’t actually need saving? That’s like a doctor bragging that he’s working medical miracles on someone who’s already healthy.
And consider the apostle Peter. He denied even knowing Jesus three separate times just to save his own skin. You’d think that would be the unforgivable sin. Instead, Jesus personally forgave him, and then set Peter up as the leader of the church. Or Paul, who loved murdering Christians as part of his daily routine? Christ personally came to him and set him up to write a huge chunk of the New Testament and spread the word of the Gospel music farther than anyone has done before or since. As it was phrased to me once, “What makes you think your sins are so special that you’re worse than Peter or Paul?”
Fact is, there is no unforgivable sin. And God’s not done with you. That’s why you’re on a Christian messaging board. You have only to repent and ask for forgiveness and for help dealing with the guilt of your sins. Every single one of them has already been paid for by Christ’s sacrifice, because that’s how much God loves you.
I will pray for you and your troubles. Because I’ve been where you are, and I know firsthand the growth that God can bring in you. You are special to him, as special as you were the day you were born.
Many people have the misconception that conflict is a bad thing. Conflict is a catalyst for growth and it’s an opportunity to have a greater inimacy if done right.
Complete selflessness is as wrong as selfishness. Selflessness enables anothers selfishness and sin. There has to be a balance.
Peachrings actually hit on a very important part, a relationship in your life that is far more, and eternally important, than your sexual relationship. You have not done too much, been too bad, that God gave up on you and can’t nor won’t forgive you. He actually already fully took care of it almost 2000 years ago, by giving His Son, Christ Jesus, to pay the price and be the sacrifice for your sin. It’s fully there and fully available, you just have to believe it and accept it, you have to believe Christ and accept Christ. We aren’t saved by our works but by God’s grace, through faith (Ephesians 2:8). If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9). If we die with Christ, we will also live with Him (Romans 6).
The Bible does say God hears the prayers of the righteous. Anyone who is in Christ Jesus and is covered by His blood, IS righteous. You, or anyone else who hears, can have that too, there’s an invitation and call out for all men to be saved.