Why is he bothered by the idea of a cut in sexual frequency?

    This is a personal question…. I am looking for fresh insight on why my husband would be so bothered by me sharing that I might need to cut frequency back to every other day?

    I plan to ask him, when I feel like I am up to it. But he’s also not one to always do the deep introspection on the reasons and emotions behind his reactions.  I figured some thoughts here might help me to understand better, before I talk to him and even after. Maybe the reason ought to be very obvious, or maybe it’s something more hidden, I would like to hear your thoughts.

    Under the stars Asked on September 9, 2020 in Desire Problems (men and women).
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    27 Answer(s)

      SC what does he say about it? What were his words?

      I know you have posted for quite a while about meeting your husbands frequency needs and how it is burning you out emotionally–that is bottom line no matter which way you try to look at it/word it.  I honestly think that his needs are VERY HD (read–i do not mean there is anything wrong with that!) but compared to average and especially older couples, it is very high drive.  No matter which way you look at it, you are having trouble meeting those needs and that feeling is not going away and it is even threatening you on some level. To me, that means it is your husband that needs to do some introspection.

      Sex is very very important in a marriage but it is not the be all end all and it can very easily be an idol in our lives just like anything else, if we let it.  Husbands are directly admonished to treat their wives in an understanding way, as one flesh.  I know some here would interpret that as he has a right to ask of you whatever he wills but i do not read it that way at all.  I just cannot fathom a spouse who is getting more than average sex (yes i know that doesn’t matter when we are talking about an individual marriage it that makes sense, it’s about the couple)  pushing and pushing the spouse who is suggesting a compromise that most men would be thrilled at ESPECIALLY since i am quite sure he knows that this is a constant stressor on you to the point of it affecting you profoundly and that you have constantly tried to meet HIS needs in every way. Ever wonder why women can constantly feel that they are not enough?

      I think the onus is on him now. I really think it is he that needs to do some introspection. Please forgive me if i’ve over-stepped and i don’t mean to preach at you. I just know very very well what it means to be on the verge of going under and i have fierce self preservation.

      Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on September 9, 2020.

      I can’t do much better than what SongofAngels has said here. The onus is definitely on him to do that “deep introspection.” He has to understand: why he feels he needs daily sex, even when that’s not your preference; and also why he gets defensive when you suggest a reasonable change.

       

      on September 10, 2020.

      Thanks @SOA for your answers and comments. They do challenge my thinking. 🙂

      on September 11, 2020.
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        If my hubby asked me if we could cut our frequency to every other day, I would be wondering why? What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with you? What’s wrong with us? Can you help me understand why? Is it physical or emotional? I would assume I was failing in some way and possibly feel hurt or defensive.

        Hammock Answered on September 9, 2020.

        Good thoughts and questions/doubts to address with him. Thanks!

        on September 9, 2020.

        This could be part of it, if you wanted to assume the best. Worth considering.

        on September 9, 2020.
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          SC, I admire the heck out of you.
          Your thoughts, your introspection, your actions….you really are just amazing.
          Your husband should just stand back and grin and say, ‘ok Darlin, you got it’. You’ve surpassed meeting his needs eons ago, so cutting yourself a little slack is definitely NOT depriving him. He should be gracious to you as you have been to him.

          King bed Answered on September 10, 2020.

          Thanks @workerbee. But, could I be depriving him of his emotional needs? If this isn’t about the physical as much as the emotional, like I asked in an “answer”, maybe he is deprived, because it’s no secret that I am less emotional and my love style tendency is to emotionally avoid. This is where I may never be the woman he wants.

          on September 11, 2020.

          This is where I may never be the woman he wants.  – We need to talk friend.

          on September 11, 2020.

           it’s no secret that I am less emotional and my love style tendency is to emotionally avoid. This is where I may never be the woman he wants

          Have you changed drastically since you married? Are you not the same woman he chose to marry? It sounds like you are assuming he needs sex so much because his emotional needs are met only through that channel, but I don’t think you can assume that. And maybe if you are less drained by the expectations of sex you will be better able to be emotionally available in other ways.

          3 days ago.
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            I’d guess that he is concerned on some level that the change you’re suggesting is just the tip of the slippery slope back to where y’all once were in gatekeeping and refusal. I do a similar thing sometimes, where I explain that I’m willing to make the change but then I give weird mixed signals instead of actually discussing my concern. Maybe thats what he’s doing. You know him better than we do, of course, so you’ll know how to approach the subject, but y’all need a frank, honest, yet tender conversation about both of your concerns. My weakness is good food, so my wife uses that – usually dessert – to get me into those conversations. What can you use?

            On the floor Answered on September 10, 2020.
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              I  agree with the comments made by my newwifenewlife. I would also add, from a male perspective, that your husband likes the idea of you being available sexually for him each day. Could it be that he fears by cutting back the frequency of sex that he is being refused and that more refusing will follow?

              Hammock Answered on September 10, 2020.
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                You have been given some good advice and food for thought here.  I would only add that from my perspective (and I am NOT saying I am “normal” or the standard) ML every other day would be the most frequent of any stage in my 46 yr marriage other than the first 4.5 yrs (pre-kids.)

                In other words, you are not being unreasonable to “drop back” to that frequency – I would be delighted with it.

                On the floor Answered on September 10, 2020.

                Probably most husbands would be delighted. Then again, most husbands would also not turn down more sex, nor would they be happy about less sex. I think the right word though is “content.” Contentment is not emotional, it is cognitive in nature. It’s why Paul said “I have learned to be content….” I doubt Paul was ever happy  or satisfied with being beaten, shipwrecked, imprisoned, chased, stoned, whipped, or otherwise persecuted. Skip-a-day sex is NOT persecution on any level.

                on September 10, 2020.
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                  I was listening to a podcast on my study break and hadn’t made the time to create a question from it. It mentioned several reasons why we personally enjoy/desire sex, which include:

                  • physical release,
                  • emotional connection to spouse,
                  • recreation and enjoyment,
                  • feelings of masculinity for male,
                  • feelings of importance or self value.

                  I don’t remember any others but there may have been. You asked for some ideas to consider. They all work for me but the last two are a BIG deal for most males. Just some food for thought SC.

                  Under the stars Answered on September 9, 2020.

                  On this list;

                  • physical release,
                  • emotional connection to spouse,
                  • recreation and enjoyment,
                  • feelings of masculinity for male,
                  • feelings of importance or self value.

                  what if they are not met?

                  on September 10, 2020.

                  I think she knows this already which is why she strived to meet those but it is coming at a cost to her that she has been trying to convey for quite a long time now, it is something that she really can’t help, and i think it is somewhat unloving for a husband to insist (or pout, be passive aggressive) that things remain his way when they are one flesh in a marriage relationship and to strive to meet each others needs and to be unselfish. She has obviously done this for years and needs now some adjustment.

                  on September 10, 2020.

                  @CJ – I was  (and the authors) putting those out there as reasons. In the podcast, they suggested, those things are not necessarily equal…and for some people, if there’s a problem, getting to the bottom of what is driving the person is important, especially when there’s problems.

                  For instance, physical release isn’t always a big deal for me (especially as I age),  on the other hand, connection, recreation and feeling masculine and valued is really important. When I get stressed or we go a long time (3-4 days without), then physical release really starts driving me as well as I don’t feel thought about and loved by my wife.

                  on September 10, 2020.

                  but this is natural. If I am not fulfilled, the relationship suffers. DW attitude is the same cliche’; You don’t get anything until you prove you love me, You don’t get no love until you have sex with me…same old thing. But really, in a busy, kids everywhere all day-sort of atmosphere, she wears out and needs to preserve herself for me. I can repair everything in the house but after awhile with no sex (like more than a week) I won’t do anything unless its an essential item or appliance. Or on many occasion, with babies in the house, I won’t change diapers. If I can find and excuse, during sex-starvation, I will use it to do…nothing. After that, gym time goes from an hour to two. Trips to the store are unannounced, and I stay in front of the tv at night rather than wait for the cold shoulder of a cold woman, fully clothed in long sleeves and facing far away from me in bed.

                  Simply said; if she won’t have sex with me, I will do something to take my mind off of it.

                  5 days ago.

                  CJ, while I agree, healthy boundaries are in order. Have you communicated this with her? TBH, it sounds like you are just being a petulant man.  Each of you are withholding various things, demanding the other meet your needs first. How sad!!! Marriage was never designed to be that way.

                  There are so many issues in your marriage and in both you individually. The only thing I would strongly suggest is quit venting her and go get quality Christian marriage counseling. Go alone if she won’t go with you and probably a separation is in order.

                  3 days ago.
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                    I would add to NWNL comments to say we also grow to depend on what get used to. Habits become anchors to our being. To be told those habits have to change can be disconcerting to our inner peace. When those things are “used” to support those last two points in his list, the dependence increases.

                    I’ll add another point to the list: avoid temptations.  If sex was taken off the regular list in my house, I would be concerned about the temptations that would eventually bring. Avoiding temptation is totally up to me, but I would know it would be much, much harder without frequent sexual release with the wife. I am probably weaker than most.

                    I think the real reason is probably fear. Fear of things going back to the worst they ever were. Fear of no sex. Add in the increased drive from T txt and that fear is magnified.

                    Bottom line – you have done what you have in sincere effort to serve him. To serve him the way he wanted. To fulfill his “needs”.  He has the same spiritual call to serve you. Now his “needs” are smothering you, draining you, and possibly hurting your love for him even if you don’t see it yet. He needs to grow up, man-up, and consider his wife more important than himself. At least for a time. Sacrificial leadership. He needs to realize and understand that he will actually increase his wife’s love and respect for him by listening to and honoring a reasonable request. The ability to delay gratification is a mark of maturity.

                    Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on September 10, 2020.

                    very well put LBD and that is probably a weakness of his, i totally get that, it’s not easy to examine oneself but it is a marvelous thing to work on oneself, i have to do that daily with my husband because it doesn’t come easy to me but the rewards are endless.

                    on September 10, 2020.
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                      @SC this statement is powerful!

                      I decided to ask him, “What can I do to feed that intimacy connection for you without sex?” His immediate first response was “This! This is as good as sex ”

                      You may have just uncovered the key to satisfying the filling of your emotional tank (sex every other day) and his emotional connection need (cuddling at your invitation). 🙂

                      Under the stars Answered on September 11, 2020.

                      I’m going to give a shot!  We’ll see how it goes.

                      on September 11, 2020.
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                        SC, the fact that you have chosen to ‘always say yes’ really means that you could never say “no.”

                        If you could never say no, doesn’t that mean that you really could never CHOOSE to say “yes” in the first place?

                        I know that sounds either ridiculous or trite, but it is a genuine question.

                        As the higher drive wife, I certainly do not want my husband to say yes only out of obligation/duty.

                        It’s not fun in either situation, is it?

                        Thank God for love, grace and mercy!

                        It hurts both ways.

                        King bed Answered on September 10, 2020.

                        I appreciate your question, but I think you missed the season of seeing a therapist for our marriage.  I had to face learning, in essence, to say “no” again.  I have boundaries set, that I refer to as “no-zones”… 1) Sundays, 2) The first 48-72 hours of my period, and 3) if I am sleeping, don’t wake me up.    I/we have also decided that if I feel like having sex will actually do more harm to our relationship, rather than good, it’s best to let him know “not now”.

                        on September 10, 2020.

                        You’re right, I do vaguely recall that now, I had forgotten.

                        on September 10, 2020.

                        …there’s that idea about “choice equaling enthusiasm” again …. hmmm 🙂

                        on September 10, 2020.
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