Why men care about oral sex.
Thanks for sharing this. I listened to it, and here are a few quotes from the podcast that stuck out to me:
- “Men have something special between there legs. It is basically what defines them as men…It is so important to their self esteem.”
- “You’re proving to him that you don’t think he’s gross. That you don’t think he’s too small. And you don’t think he’s dirty or this is disgusting to you. These are fears your husband has.”
- “In oral sex he can tell. He can tell what you think. If you refuse to do it mean he feels unloved, you’re rejecting him, who he is as a man. That’s what it feels like.”
- “The problem is our society has trained us that oral sex is dirty, and wrong, and only for naughty girls and if you partake in that then you’re one of the negative people on X-rated films…yeah, that’s not true! God made sex!”
- “He does not give you a limit in how to enjoy your spouse’s body sexually.”
- “Dear husband, you may be under the guise that pushing her head there is a positive thing. I want to invite you to not do that because it’s…not attractive. Here’s the problem with that. What it kinda says to her is you aren’t going to communicate your desires, you’re just going to force her to do them, and that is not something she’ll want to do…it’ll make sure that she never wants to do that.”
Any of those quotes stick out to others here?
Edited: typo (wrong word)
I’ve never come right out and asked DW “why don’t you like giving me OS”? The only feedback she’s offered is that she doesn’t want me to O in her mouth, which I’ve never done or attempted to do (I think)…but she just doesn’t care to go there. I don’t feel rejected or less of a man or any other things. If she and I have sex at all, I relish the time…it doesn’t really matter what the particular act is. I also have read in a gillion places to not “force” anything on your spouse. If DW isn’t comfortable giving me OS, I shouldn’t make her or guilt her into it. Sex should be a selfless act of you giving of yourself to the other, and if all i’m focusing on is what I’m getting out of it, I’m already doing it wrong. The moment she decides to give to me orally, I’ll be extra happy, but if not, it’s not worth starting a battle over.
I wish my wife would give me oral sex but she has a real phobia for some reason about the penis and a very small mouth. There’s a lot of fear around the whole issue and I respect that. I hope that she opens up to the other possible intimacy aspects of it and feels safe with me to try in the future. Even taking an inch or two into her in mouth, focusing on the scrotum, and utilizing her tongue on my shaft and head would probably be enough for me and avoid the small mouth issue. I imagine often her kneeling and serving me there so that we are in position to look into each others eyes. I feel like that would be incredibly intimate seeing her doing those things while looking into my eyes.
Ultimately though, the most important thing is that she feels safe and enough when with me. I want her not a sex act. At the same time, certain interactions minister to me more than others and i’m sure the same is true for her with certain ones as well.
We have very different interests and drives and we are still working on how to comfortably blend those.
Thanks S+Z for highlighting some of the quotes from the podcast. I’ll add just one comment to the thread as there have been some good points of discussion. I will only comment on #6. While I would absolutely love it if my wife grabbed my head (no hair as I shave it bald) and pushed me down on her, I would absolutely never consider doing the same to my DW. She has come a long way in overcoming some strong barriers as an adolescent/teen when she was abused from about 3 to 16 in that type of act being forced to perform. She has been through some remarkable healing through God’s grace to where she is today being very generous and willing to incorporate that in TMB in a very loving way.
Regarding OS on her (cunnilingus), I don’t know if I agree the first three are good fits. I would think #2 and #4, perhaps with #5 for some people.
#1 might apply for cunnilingus with some women, but I think the majority just don’t have the same feeling for their vulvas as we (us men) have for our penises. This actually ties into what Zelda and I were discussing as part of our talk about LBD’s question a couple days ago. I told her that if she’d had another man before me that I’d have massive insecurities even beyond what I already have, particularly about the size/performance of my penis. She found the very concept of that completely absurd! She, and I think most women, just don’t view any parts of their body the way many men relate to their penises. Honestly, I think the ability to carry a child might be the most similar to this feeling for women, or at least for Zelda.
#3, I don’t have a frame of reference for. My DW doesn’t really want it, so I can’t relate.
#6 is fun because I think it’s the exact opposite for the average man as compared to the average woman. I would absolutely love to have her grab my hair and shove my face down there for cunnilingus until she was taken care of. As long as I could breathe, I’d be good! 😀
Ok @Scott+Zelda– good discussion –
#1 – I agree, women do not relate to their genitalia like men do. BUT – many here have admitted that they have insecurities about their genitalia. So while it may not be a positive to their self-esteem, if a man reacts wrongly, or in disgust, it can certainly be a negative. In that way, I think it applies.
#2 refers back to #1 and how a man reacts to the female genitalia.
#3 – This indeed may vary widely from woman to woman, and even in the same woman from time to time. Some may tolerate being rejected for OS and others may feel a deeper hit.
#6 – Maybe that varies with men like #3 varies with women. I too enjoy and relish when my wife wants me to do her orally, and I enjoy her taking part in it with her hands – though I have never had her grab my head or hair or anything. I have had her use her own hands to enhance whatever I was doing and that always makes me feel good because I figure I’m doing things well and pleasing her. I do think #6 can represent a power play and will certainly turn many women off, but some it may even go the other direction. It could play into the “being taken” feeling for some, at some time.
I notice we are using a lot of “sometimes”, “varies”, “maybe”, “some”, when talking about those fickle females….if they’d just make up their minds! 🙂 (Its a joke girls…just a joke)
@Tabitha i am sure men could easily come back and say why can’t women be satisfied with giving her loving husband O/S? Sometimes it really doesn’t matter what we think, it’s about giving… it’s not all about what i want… it’s all in the attitude.
@Tabitha. I understand that you don’t like giving OS. (I hope that will change someday.) However a good many women do and most men enjoy receiving.
You ask an honest question: “Why can’t men be satisfied with PIV, I mean an orgasm is an orgasm?” I would say most men are often satisfied when they have PIV. But many men are also satisfied when they can O through OS. It is because of the deeper level of intimacy, vulnerability, acceptance, generosity, sensation, eroticism, etc. experienced when one can O by being sucked.
Perhaps for you an organism is an orgasm. But consider this illustration: If pie is pie, or ice cream is ice cream, or potatoes are potatoes, or rice is rice, or coffee is coffee, etc. why do we have so many different varieties of them to enjoy or to have a preference for? Maybe there is also a variety of legitimate and good ways to enjoy orgasms.
You make a very interesting comment at the end: “one is way easier to clean up than the other.” I think you must be suggesting that it is easier to cleanup after PIV. However, I would encourage you to ask a DW who swallows, which way is easier to clean up. D: