Why Turn Down Cunnilingus?

The title is pretty straightforward. 🙂 Only clarification I might add to it is “repeatedly”, as I wouldn’t expect anyone to accept the offer every time.

About three months ago, we had a series of good discussions on oral sex:

HUSBANDS, what is the attraction to cunnilingus?

Part 2- Cunnilingus: What can a wife do to make it better, 1) for her husband, and/or 2) for herself?

WIVES, tell us men about Fellatio?

The third of those was somewhat meant to be the reverse question of the first. However, I thought at the time that a true reverse question would be along the lines of “Wives, what is unattractive about receiving cunnilingus?” So that’s what I’m asking here. I would like to point out that I was reminded to ask this question by the following article, which I think hits the high points pretty well:

Why Your Wife May Not Want to Receive Oral Sex | Knowing Her Sexually

I’ve seen both secular and Christian polls indicating that men are more willing to administer oral sex than women (which is the opposite of what you’ll often hear), yet it seems quite common that some ladies repeatedly turn down the offer. I’ve also seen plenty of men online that claim that they’re willing to give it in what I’d describe as “on request”, meaning just ask at any time and we’ll give with no thoughts of anything in return.

So I’m just curious on some of the thoughts on this, particularly any thoughts that differ from or are more specific than the KHS article.

-Scott

Under the stars Asked on May 5, 2020 in Oral Sex.
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13 Answer(s)

    Why Turn Down Cunnilingus?

    Could be for various reasons – some mental/emotional, some physical. Some reasons can be more serious, and some not so serious and are easier to overcome. I’m not going to go into everything, but just mention a few things that hopefully will help some husbands out there.

    The mental/emotional reasons are probably covered pretty well in the KHS article. Mental concerns about smell/taste are huge UNLESS you husbands SAY something so that she knows (without a doubt) that you seriously ENJOY her taste/smell. Don’t just comment once that you like the taste – tell her often! She’s likely got huge mental issues about this, so you can defeat that by regularly telling her how much you enjoy being so close and smelling/tasting her. This will give her HUGE CONFIDENCE and enable her to freely share herself with you in this way. The ball’s in your court, men.

    If you make (or have made) any negative comments or negative facial expressions, or mumblings or whatever when performing OS or talking about OS, she will interpret this as confirming what she already feared – ie. that you don’t enjoy being down there – and naturally she won’t be keen to let you go there. You can fix this by what I said above (make her know that you enjoy it!).

    Some physical reasons have already been mentioned. Realise that OS on her can sometimes feel very NOT pleasurable and it can have nothing to do with mental/emotional baggage. Perhaps it’s just technique (or lack of it). Whisker burn is real (and really hurts). An over-enthusiastic tongue can be anything but pleasurable.

    Many (most?) women can be reluctant to say, “That hurts” or “Can you go slower/softer, etc”, especially if she’s tried in the past and it wasn’t heeded. Take the initiative and tell her clearly that you WANT TO LEARN how to make it feel amazing for her, so you want her to tell you what feels good and what doesn’t. This way she doesn’t feel like she will scare you off if she tries to instruct you.

    Another point I would make is that the WAY you ‘offer’ OS potentially makes a huge difference in how she responds. Do you want her to say “YES” to your offer? Then think about how you are offering it to her. Saying something like, “Do you want me to go down on you?” can easily get a “No” because she may well be thinking, “No, I don’t want him down there – what if my taste/smell is bad to him?” or “No, I don’t think he really wants to do that, and I don’t want him doing something he doesn’t enjoy” or any other negative thought that she might have when she imagines you down there.

    If you really want to do OS on her, then phrase it in a way that expresses this. Saying something like, “I would looooove to have a taste of you right now…” lets her know that you are offering, AND that you actually want to do the thing you are offering to do. Much more likely to get a positive response this way.

    If you haven’t had much of a chance to give her OS, and she is resistant perhaps because she’s just not sure how it might feel, or she’s not entirely comfortable with having your face right there (I’m not talking about resisting because of other more serious issues that need dealing with), then remember that the goal doesn’t have to be full OS to orgasm on your first trip down there. Just spend some time there caressing, kissing, enjoying – and be sure that you are letting her know that YOU are enjoying it, and be asking her if she is enjoying it (and be happy to take feedback from her, don’t take it personally!). The goal is for her to be relaxed, comfortable, and enjoying what you are doing, and she needs to feel safe with you – safe enough to be able to tell you what feels good and what doesn’t. You can slowly work your way up to something more intense, but do it at a pace that she is comfortable with – and you will only know this if you continue to ask for feedback in a loving, gentle way. It might take several sessions before she is fully enjoying it all, or it may only be a couple of times. Don’t be discouraged if it takes longer than you thought. Just enjoy the journey 😊

    Remember, make it clear that you want it to be great for HER. It’s great if you enjoy it, and she needs to know that you enjoy it. However, she also needs to know that you care about HER pleasure – and that you will be sensitive to her guiding you as to what feels good. She doesn’t want you to go down and enjoy yourself there doing things that are actually not making her feel good. Yes, she wants you to enjoy doing it, but she needs to enjoy it too. I’ll say it again – the goal should be to make it great for her (and for you to enjoy it too!).

    In regards to what Scott wrote: “I’ve also seen plenty of men online that claim that they’re willing to give it in what I’d describe as “on request”, meaning just ask at any time and we’ll give with no thoughts of anything in return.”
    ‘On request’ might sound good to the husband, and seems generous, but be aware that many ladies are not necessarily going to request it. Even if they want it and enjoy OS, it doesn’t mean they are comfortable with doing the asking. If you are waiting for her to ask, you potentially could be waiting a very long time. Don’t make her have to request it. Offer! It’s much easier to say yes to an offer than to pluck up the courage to actually ask for OS. An example (in reverse): I often give my husband OS, and he enjoys it very much. He has never once asked for it – and I doubt he ever would. It’s just not really his thing to request something like that. So I don’t wait for him to request it. I just initiate, and always look for feedback from him to make sure he’s enjoying it (and he does). I tried asking a few times, but he would never specifically say yes – he said he just doesn’t want to be feeling like he’s demanding something. So, guys, be aware that your wife might not be comfortable with requesting, and may not be totally comfortable with having to say “yes” to your offer. She may in fact be more comfortable with you initiating without her having to say anything.

    I think I’ve written way too much, so I will stop now 🙂.

    King bed Answered on May 5, 2020.

    Please don’t apologize for writing so much. That was awesome–much appreciated!

    -Scott

    on May 6, 2020.
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      Errr, i wouldn’t turn it down 😀 But i would if i sensed hesitation on my husbands part although he loves doing it and i always tell him this session doesn’t have to have it, do whatever he wants to do.

      Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on May 5, 2020.
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        I turn it down if we dont have time. DH would spend at least an hour and i dont always have that much time.

        If it has been a day since i last showered
        If i am having a sad day, and my head wont be in the game, i tell him so and we make it for him.

        Queen bed Answered on May 6, 2020.
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          I think KHS covered much of it. I do know as women age, with hormone changes and after having babies, there can be stress incontinence. That can make a woman self-conscious.

          Under the stars Answered on May 5, 2020.
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            A Dear Husband here. My DW does not like OS because she says it does not feel good. In particular, she says it is too intense. I have told her how much giving her OS turns me on, and we are working on ways to make it pleasurable for her. In particular, we are going to wait until she is more aroused before I begin OS. Thus far, we have not made too much progress. Typically, during our love making she becomes aroused by using a vibrator. By the time she gets really aroused, we find it problematic stopping so I can get in position to give her OS. I think we are going to have to alter our routine so I am ‘in position’ when she starts using the vibrator, so when she gets aroused I am ready to go.

            To elaborate more on why I am so interested in OS, as I have shared here before, I find everything about her vulva extremely arousing (sight, smell, look, etc.) I think I am more interested in having her O from me giving her OS than I care about her giving me OS! I have made it clear to her there is nothing about her genitals that turns me off.

            On the floor Answered on May 6, 2020.
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              My wife has always tried to be instructive by telling me to slow down or a little lighter or a little lower, etc.  What is so pleasurable for both of us is when her body starts to quiver giving me the indication that she’s about to O.  She also knows her body well enough to tell me after a period of time that she just isn’t going to O through OS tonight.  It was pleasurable, but just not going to happen so we switch things up.  It may have required more foreplay and arousal, or it just simply wasn’t what she was in the mood for that night to bring her to an O orally.  She does not refuse  me when I want to perform cunnilingus on her, but there was a day when she was in her cycle that it was not anything she wanted part of and I was fine with that.  That’s the only time she refused.  She is now post period.

              Like Olorin, I too like everything about the sight, taste, smell, experience.  All the senses are aroused.  And she enjoys performing fellatio on me.

              On the floor Answered on May 6, 2020.
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                My DW would has turned it down on occasion for the first five reasons but NOT because of the last three: a previously negative experience, it didn’t feel good or she feels pressure to return the favor. She definitely prefers to be clean and more aroused and doesn’t like to be the only one receiving (she wants to give).

                As far as pleasurable, it goes better if DW is turned on, there’ve been a few times in the past couple months where she has initiated/asked me for cunnilingus, when she is close to orgasm so that she can have an O while receiving it.

                And yes, I am one of those guys who is willing to do it any time…any where…and any way because I love it. When she’s talked about not feeling fresh or not being clean, I’ll respond, then let me take care of that (Sometimes it works, sometimes not). I love her taste, touch and smell.

                Under the stars Answered on May 6, 2020.
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                  If a woman is not sufficiently aroused before OS, it won’t feel good.  I need seductive, indirect touch first, or OS will actually feel bad.

                  OS was the first way I learned to orgasm with a partner.  I really enjoyed it until I came across Christian sex books that said this was an immature, and not good way for a woman to orgasm…basically the “right” way to orgasm was from PIV.  They presented it as PIV being more “holy”.  That created shame about OS and my orgasms from OS.

                  I don’t remember ever being worried about smelling or tasting bad, but I was very shy about my belly being on display, and then post nursing how my boobs were not as perky and that is highlighted when you are laying on your back for OS.  The changes to my breasts made me feel unsexy, and when you are thinking about how unsexy your breasts must look, your head is WAY out of the game.   When a woman’s head is out of the game, OS will not feel good then either.

                  On the floor Answered on May 5, 2020.

                  yep – that would actually be my basic answer to the question from a male’s standpoint – the mental path is either not prepared properly or blocked by external forces – and hence the physical connection is unattainable.

                  on May 5, 2020.

                  Please can you share with me the names of the Christian sex books?

                  on May 6, 2020.

                  I don’t really remember.  I think one of them might have been from Penner

                  on May 7, 2020.
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                    When I was young, I turned down oral, or didn’t pursue it, because it just didn’t feel good.  The head was sensitive and her mouth toothy and not really big enough for what I imagined it might feel like.  Later in our marriage, I found out i enjoyed tea bagging, but she’s not really into giving oral these days.  She wasn’t gung ho when we were first married, but she’s got to be really horny to want to try oral.

                    I used to spend hours giving her oral every week when we first got married.She could have dozens of orgasms.  This was a prelude to intercourse.    She just doesn’t care to receive, and maybe once or twice a year, I’ll suggest it and actually talk her into it.  She says she wants my penis when I offer oral.  So I think if that’s what the lady wants, why would I turn her down.  Maybe she’s also more concerned with time than pleasure, too, since our newly wed oral sex sessions could last so long.

                    Hammock Answered on May 6, 2020.
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                      Good question. I sure don’t know. I would never turn down a BJ. 🙂 But my DW has often turned down the delicate kiss. She has just said ,”No, its not good right now” or “It’s not accepting of that now” – it referring to her clit mostly. But then maybe things are changing. With a toss-back to my old post of the door of awakening opening – a recent session was going fine with mutual masturbation, when I gently removed her hand from my penis and continued for her, which led to cunnilingus, which led to a big O!  I got mine too, but that was really secondary at that point.

                      So I don’t know why a woman would turn down pleasure – except the simple reason that for some cause, it just isn’t pleasurable to her at that moment. The question should be “why is cunnilingus not pleasurable for women sometimes?”  (barring the obvious that “my DH is bad at it”)

                      On the floor Answered on May 5, 2020.

                      According to the KHS article (and many other sources I’ve read), it’s not necessarily that cunnilingus is not pleasurable. There can be non-pleasure-related reasons for the rejection.

                      Also, congrats on your “recent session”.

                      -Scott

                      on May 5, 2020.

                      no doubt about that, as so much of a female’s sexual response is between her ears first. Obstacles are generated there – internally or externally derived.

                      on May 5, 2020.
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