Wife says touching herself “doesn’t do anything”

    I discovered how arousing it was to watch my wife masturbate early on in our marriage.  We had bought a book from a local store that had a lot of different sexual positions and things to do.  We worked through the book and that was one of the things to do (masturbate together).

    Over our marriage she has done this only a handful of times.  I will not lie, I ask for it because of how much it turns me on.

    The answer I get from her most times is, “It does not do anything for me.”

    Now, I know physiologically, this is not true.  She’s taken herself to O for me before.  I know she can.  She also gets off when I manually stimulate her.   I realize that it may not be as enjoyable as my touch since there is not that connection there, but I feel she is lying to me.  I have my thoughts and opinions as to why, but feel there is dishonesty here.

    Ladies, do you feel the same as my wife?  For those that do MB, did you feel the same as my wife before?  How did you get over this hurdle?

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    7 Answer(s)

      “Doesn’t do anything for me” may just mean she doesn’t enjoy it and has no desire for it.

      There are many things in our sexual relationship that “don’t do anything for me” but I am not doing them for me, I do it for my husband.

      Does your wife have a willingness to do things for you?  Her heart matters much more than whether something is a preference or not.

      I started masturbating as an older child (younger than a teen), I have a clear conscience and am comfortable in doing it…. but to be on display while doing it, not so much.

      Under the stars Answered on November 23, 2019.

      I would say to a few things, yes.  If I ask for oral, about half the time she’ll do it.  But most things I ask for is a no, or she’ll just “ignore” me when I ask for it in the midst of things.

      on November 23, 2019.
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        I’d say the bigger problem is that you think your wife is lying to you.


        Fell out of ... Answered on November 23, 2019.

        How so?

        If I watch you go into the movie theatre, and then ask you if you went into the movie theatre and you said “no”, are you lying?

        In this case, I’ve both seen my wife O from MB and I have stimulated her in the same way.  When asked for it, she says it does not do anything.  Is she being truthful?

        on November 23, 2019.

        What if you watched her walk into the theaters and you asked her if she watched a movie and she said no, would she still be lying?   It may appear to be so to you, because what else could walking into a movie theater mean she is doing…. but yet you truly have no clue what her experience was once she was in.  Maybe to you, if you are sitting in a seat in front of screen that is “watching a movie”, but to her, she knows her mind was a thousand miles away and she slept through half of it, and since she couldn’t tell you the plot nor the charaters or how it turned out, she didn’t truly watch a movie in her mind.

        This is where couples need to communicate and make sure they are actually defining things the same and mean the same thing when using certain terminology. And quit making assumptions.

        on November 23, 2019.

        Look at how I worded the hypothetical.  It was very, very specific about just going into the theatre, not necessarily watching a movie.  Why?  Because of communication.  I believe in specifics around situations, not assumptions.

        Regarding talking about it, we have.  She is just vague about it.  I’ll ask her why MB does not do anything for her and all she says is that it just doesn’t.  But I’ve watched her do it before, so I know she can if she wants to.


        on November 24, 2019.

        In the OP you explicitly state that you feel your wife is being dishonest with you. Clearly there’s a trust issue there which is a greater problem than whether she does or doesn’t enjoy touching herself.

        For what it’s worth, I think your wife is probably telling the truth. Touching herself produces a purely physiological response which she doesn’t particularly enjoy. This might be because she thinks masturbating is wrong, or it might be because of the relational element of making love which she feels is lacking when she touches herself. Or it could be for a completely different reason, the only way to find out is to ask your wife and trust that she’s telling the truth!

        on November 24, 2019.
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          My wife says the same thing, it never did much for her, until she tried a vibrator. Vibrators she likes!

          On the floor Answered on November 23, 2019.

          She has no problem with a vibrator. It is only when she uses her fingers.

          on November 23, 2019.

          She says fingers doesn’t do anything for her, feels like rubbing her arm.

          on November 23, 2019.

          A wife here, and a high drive, loves to have sex one at that:  I very much enjoy the sensations of a vibrator, whether wielded by me or DH. It does not mean I enjoy him watching. It feels awkward and embarrassing. Fingers? Both awkward and embarrassing AND the sensation is rather ho-hum now that I am familiar with the pleasures to be had from a vibrator, and a penis, Fingers were fine–great, even–when I first discovered the magic of self-exploration–but I did not yet know what I was missing. I’m not sure I could ever get there at all with just fingers now.

          So err on the side of trust. Keep the dialogue open, but don’t assume she’s lying.

          on November 24, 2019.
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            I do not feel the same way as your wife, but I know women who do. It is a completely different feeling than when the husband is involved.

            Many women have mental hang-ups about MB. This could stem from a variety of reasons. She could be self-conscious about performing for you, and unwilling or too embarrassed to share that with you. Or, she could have been taught from a young age that MB is wrong, and she has guilt associated with it. Either of those emotions will kill the pleasure for her.

            I know the first times I did this when my husband asked, I felt so ridiculous that I had to shut my eyes and pretend he wasn’t in the room. It basically closed any connection with him. I got over this eventually, but it took time.

            Even if she isn’t being honest with you, try to be understanding when you have this conversation with her. There could be a lot under the surface that she’s embarrassed to share with you.

            Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on November 23, 2019.
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              “Now, I know physiologically, this is not true.  She’s taken herself to O for me before.  I know she can.  She also gets off when I manually stimulate her.   I realize that it may not be as enjoyable as my touch since there is not that connection there, but I ” she is lying to me.  I have my thoughts and opinions as to why, but feel there is dishonesty here.”

              Physiologically, she may be able to O from masturbation, but that doesn’t mean she’s lying to you.  I can’t speak for your wife, but my wife very much prefers the connection to intercourse than masturbating.

              Just a note. I’ve been married for 28 years. I would advise you against assuming a negative reason (such as lying) when she does or says something contrary to what you want. If she is lying about something like that, you can’t prove it one way or another, anyway, so it is not beneficial to accuse her of it. Instead, pray for her and leave the rest up to the Holy Spirit. Otherwise, you’re setting yourself up for unwarranted bitterness and anger later on.

              Double bed Answered on December 2, 2019.
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                When I am with hubby his touch (even if doing something not great) feels much more than me touching myself. If I was alone then I could do something with myself, but when with hubby it doesn’t do anything. Kinda like you can’t tickle yourserlf, but someone else can.

                Sometimes I try, but stop quickly as no good feels.

                Twin bed Answered on April 12, 2020.
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                  I think I see where you’re coming from @ mrsluvmyhub We’ve got a wand with a sleeve attachment, and using it on me will make me ejaculalte fairly easily, but it’s purely physiological and actually not very enjoyable.

                  Fell out of ... Answered on April 12, 2020.
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