Wife’s Facebook Profile Photo
My DW and I are in many ways doing fantastic. I do think she loves me more now (13+ yrs married) than ever. However, there is something that bothers me and I really value people’s opinions as to whether or not I should be bothered by this.
Last year, my DW became a HUGE fan (you could say “stan,” assuming you’re familiar with that word) of a particular politician. It caused friction early on because of all the time she spent follow this candidate. (She wasn’t working outside the house and seemed to be spending all her time online researching and discussing this candidate to the point of obsession.) I eventually confronted her on it and we’ve mostly made peace with her support of him while she made a concerted effort to concentrate on other things (cleaning the house and looking for a new job). For what it’s worth, I admire this candidate and am likely to vote for him although with quite a lot of reticence, mostly due to one issue. But I digress.,,
Anyway, back in September, I took her to a campaign event to see this candidate. She loved the gesture and we had a great time. She even got a photo with him. Since then, for the most part, I feel like she’s been more in love with me than at most any time in our marriage. Even so, I still often feel like she’s more excited for the candidate than she is me.
And that gets to something I see as symbolic of that. She took the photo of her and the candidate together—which I happily took and had hoped to make happen during our September trip—and made it her profile photo on FB. At the time, it didn’t bother me, since I totally got why she would be excited to show off that photo. But half a year later, it’s still her FB profile photo. To be fair, given that voting is occurring these days, I can understand why she’d want to keep that her profile photo until primary voting is over. Also, I absolutely do not think she has some sort of lust for this candidate, and I don’t think anyone would reasonably think she does. I don’t think this is a sexual thing at all. Also FWIW, she does not go on FB much and doesn’t have a habit of changing profile photos often. Even so, I do feel jealous about what is, in actuality, her keeping her profile photo one of her with another man, and I do feel a sense that she identifies publicly with this candidate more than she identifies with me.
All that being said, I would appreciate your thoughts. Does this sound like something that should bother me? Should it not bother me? I’m very open to the possibility that I’m making too much of this and shouldn’t worry about it. And if it should bother me, what should I say? Thanks.
(ETA: I added a response to people’s responses below.)
Interesting. Thanks for sharing. Now, I can imagine some people will tell you, “Just get over it already!” And they might feel justified in doing so.
Yet, I sympathise with you. I understand why you would feel as you do. I don’t think it is strange or paranoid of you to feel that way. In addition, it was gracious of you to take her to see the candidate. Some people, who are very controlling, wouldn’t have even considered doing something like that.
It seems to me that you two need to have a talk about it some time. It would make sense that she needs to tone things down a bit so that you feel more comfortable, loved, and valued. And you should seek to continue to believe the best of her and try not to focus on this as much as you are tempted to.
I agree with OWM that I can see both sides of it. On the one hand, it’s FB, so who cares? Especially, as you said she doesn’t frequent the site. However, I can understand your hurt feelings.
Since VD is tomorrow, why not ask her tonight if she could make her profile pic be a picture of you two as a couple? Maybe even have a specific picture that you really like as a suggestion?
Given that the photo is with someone well known and it won’t be confused as a ‘couple’ photo . In a sense I can’t see it as being any different to posting a photo with the rainbow overlay if you happen to support gay marriage, or a ‘we stand with you’ overlay after a disaster. Effectively – at least at the moment – she is making a political statement.
I agree with Neil. We’re in an election year, so it’s appropriate to have a candidate photo up. It states her opinions while also reminding people to vote.
If she doesn’t frequent the site, she may not even be thinking about it. I rarely visit FB, and I had to actually work to remember which photo is my current profile. I only change it every couple of years because I rarely see it. I care about it, but only marginally.
I’m not saying to get over it, because your opinions are valuable and you have the right to talk with her if it is really bothering you. What I am saying is that this issue may not have much meaning for her at all if it’s a site she rarely visits.
Thanks, all. One additional thought…I think I’m especially sensitive to my DW associating more with a particular public figure than with me because I’m much more extroverted than she and her outward life is much more online than in person. We don’t do events with friends or her coworkers or my coworkers nearly as much as we used to. It’s not that I want her to adore me in some unbalanced way to stoke my ego but I do want to publicly identify as a couple in love and feel like our marriage isn’t just a private thing. Since we don’t tend to do things with people much besides family events and church (and even at church it feels less social than it used to), her publicly identifying with me online becomes more important than it would be if we spent a lot of time as a couple around other people.