Would this bother you?

    I am wondering how you would react and if you would be bothered under this scenario?

    Your spouse and a teenage child head out in the morning. You are told they will be home between 1:00 and 2:00.  Come 3:30, you hear nothing, so you text, no reply.  Around 4:00 you try calling, it goes straight to voice mail.  You call the teens phone, it won’t go through. You call several more times, same results.  You ask your other grown kids if they heard from their parent … no.  At 4:45, 3ish HOURS past expected home time, you finally get a call. 

    Are you bothered?  Do you care?

    Respect, honor and politeness  go together. In a world of constant connection, yeah, most people would be bothered unless the place they were going had poor signal towers, or a busy event that kept them off the phone.

    Also, are they the missing persons upset and apologetic as well? This is missing from the narrative.

    Is someone telling you to NOT be upset? Did the wife/teen give you a return time or a time to have them call back, etc?

    on May 22, 2020.
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    22 Answer(s)

      Yes, it would certainly bother me, very much so. One thing both my parents and DW and I are really sensitive about is keeping your word. If you say that you will call at 3:30, then you should call at 3:30, plus-minus a few minutes. This is very important for me too and I readily admit if somebody does not keep their word, I get angry.

      In fact, as a child growing up it was a shock for me to discover that other people (some of my friends) were far more relaxed about this in general. They might say “I’ll come round on Saturday” and then they didn’t turn up. Later I realised they didn’t mean to upset me, it was just one of those things people do.

      California King Answered on May 22, 2020.
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        Of course it would bother  me. It would be concerning. Whether adult or teenager, or in this case both. Just how concerning would depend partly on what they were doing, where they were going. The real question is how should one react to such a circumstance. How did YOU react?  There is nothing wrong with expecting some consideration from those that you love and love you. But then, things happen. Was there something outside their control? Were they known to be going somewhere that contact would be difficult? Is this normal behavior? What was their explanation?  Lot’s of questions to be answered before I would lose my cool. But there is certainly nothing wrong with voicing concern then waiting for the whole story. IF they were just being irresponsible and unthoughtful, then there is nothing wrong with exposing poor behavior with appropriate intensity.

        A similar circumstance that happened to me comes to mind – It was about 6 months ago, which was about 6 months post heart attack. On a Saturday, I was home piddling around the house and shop. I have no cell service inside my all metal shop and the hard line phone there had quit working a while back. Unbeknownst to me, my DW had been calling me for several minutes, tried both house and cell numbers, texted, etc. All of the sudden I hear her truck come roaring down the driveway, slide to a stop in front of the shop’s open door and she lays on the horn. She immediately goes to yelling “WHERE WERE YOU? I’VE BEEN TRYING TO REACH YOU FOR 30 MINUTES, IVE CALLED EVERY NUMBER, TEXTED…..” It was there that she started to break into tears…”I just knew you were collapsed on the floor somewhere..”

        So I just went and hugged her and apologized for not being able to respond to her calls. It still breaks me up a little today as I remember it. There was really nothing important she needed me for, but that was not the issue, was it? That next week I repaired the land line to the shop and installed a wifi extender so I could get internet calling/text on my cell phone while in the shop.

        This is the same woman who fully understands and accepts that when I am in the wood hunting, she may not hear from me till late at night, but I do make it a rule now that I call her when I’m gone now. Some people are just not cognizant of other’s feelings. When those types are married to those prone to worry, there will be heartache until both learn to compromise a little. IF I had been collapsed on the floor somewhere, I’m glad my DW cared enough to leave her work and come find me. That didn’t bother me at all. But then I am very sensitive to what others think.

        Fell out of ... Answered on May 22, 2020.

        “I just went and hugged her”

        What a wise husband. I can totally imagine myself in your wife’s shoes and that’s exactly what I would have needed!

        on May 22, 2020.

        …I try  🙂  – and I hope your husband appreciates you for that as I do mine!

        Every relationship could differ in the situation the OP presented, I know. But there really is little excuse for being continually inconsiderate. My DW has grown accustomed to knowing I will respond to her calls/texts usually quickly. My jobs over the years have required I be reachable 24/7, so it doesn’t bother me.  If I can’t be reached, she knows why, so if I don’t respond when I should be able to, she has reason to have some concern after a little while. She’s never abused it.

        She, on the other hand, has never been as “reachable.” For years I chided her for even having a phone because she seldom had it with her and when she did, she was just as apt not to answer it. She has improved in this area. I’m not a helicopter husband at all, and she certainly is not that way with me. But I think with age, her independent streak is softening.

        on May 22, 2020.

        My DH is really good about keeping me informed of his whereabouts and schedule and changes. The only issue we have is my short term memory issues, where sometimes he has told me and I’ve forgotten and then if I can’t get ahold of him for him to tell me again, I can get antsy. But I try to remember that it’s usually me and not him in those instances. He’s really sweet about it when my brain hiccups, thank goodness!

        3 days ago.
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          There’s a lot of emotions that come with it… the worst anger comes when you know they are okay. I recognized why the anger in a new way that I wasn’t aware of in my earlier years.

          His attitude once he got home is beside the point. It still leaves a heap of emotion for me to deal with. I literally was thinking through things I had to do if they were dead or in the hospital…. from things like saying goodbye on here and getting things in my purse, that I would need if I suddenly got a call to go to the hospital.

          Because this is his old ways, though he hasn’t done this to me in along time, it’s why I was giving the deadline of 5:00 before taking more drastic actions (doing a search).

          I have said before… I have lived my husband’s death thousands of times. I lived it again yesterday.

          Under the stars Answered on May 22, 2020.

          I have said before… I have lived my husband’s death thousands of times. I lived it again yesterday.

          Sounds like he needs to understand that his behavior forces you to make a decision – to either care or not. If he is fine with you not caring, and knows that mean he dies in a ditch somewhere alone, then there’s not much you can do to change him. He’s an adult and must live with his choices. But since this repeated poor behavior involved your child, I would “raze the barn” on him! The last thing he needs to be doing is teaching them that this is acceptable behavior to treat your loved ones so cavalierly. IF there was a reasonable  excuse, then maybe the barn wouldn’t burn completely down….

           

          on May 22, 2020.

          There is also the opportunity to set some boundaries here. When he goes off by himself, perhaps its perfectly acceptable to say “Honey, I don’t know when I’ll be back. See you when I do.” – and you learn to live with that, he’s a big boy. On the other hand, if he takes responsibility for a child, then he must understand that he is being entrusted with another’s life and you have a right to be concerned as mother. IF he ignores that boundary, then he is breaking your trust with his thoughtlessness. That breach of trust goes further than he may realize. Make him understand the consequences of his actions. To bring it back to the theme of this forum – IF he wants you to trust him IN the bedroom, you have to trust him OUT of it first. These episodes erode trust at the foundations.

          on May 22, 2020.

          Sounds like he needs to understand that his behavior forces you to make a decision – to either care or not. 

          Deep.  You are using the exact wording of conversations I have had (not with my husband) around this topic.  It was eye opening to me when my sister made this statement the first time, it’s a great reminder now.

          on May 22, 2020.
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            No doubt, I would be very “bothered ” by that.. as DW would no doubt be bothered by me doing the same.  I think that being specific about where one is going and when one expects to return is the least that a loving spouse should do.  I also believe that a wise spouse manages expectations and will “pad” their expected return appropriately… so they actually return home a little earlier.    We learned about https://www.glympse.com/ a few years ago which we always use to keep each other informed when one of us is driving more than a few hours to a distant location (or driving home from one) by themselves.

            California King Answered on May 22, 2020.
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              Not generally, but I understand that these kinds of things bother others.

              Queen bed Answered on May 22, 2020.
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                I would be bothered. When I am running late, I try to let people know where I am.

                On the floor Answered on May 22, 2020.
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                  That late…at that hour…you would have to peel me off the ceiling…and I would make her call the police and tell them why it was a false alarm. 😀

                  Under the stars Answered on May 22, 2020.
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                    Yes it does bother me. She might call and tell me she is closing up, which means she should be home within half an hour and then I get a call an hour or so later saying something came up she had to take care and won’t be home for another hour is wearing.  Sometimes she will text and tell me to go ahead and eat because she isn’t sure when she’ll be home. Many times, though, she’s quite wrapped up in what she is doing and can’t make a call because what she is doing is an emergency.  I do my best to be understanding and supportive, but it can be a challenge when it’s too many nights in a row.

                    On the floor Answered on May 22, 2020.
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                      Yes, I would be extremely bothered. If nothing else, its a house rule. You let someone know when you will be back. If you won’t be back at the said time, you let someone know. Regardless where you live, or who you live with, there are always rules.

                      I remember one time a year ago, or so. It was 1.5 hrs past when DH should have been back. When he finally replied to my text, he had stopped somewhere for coffee. I asked him if I had ever showed up that late past my expected arrival time, and how he would feel if I just didn’t show up when I was supposed to. It seemed like he had never thought of that and yes, he said he would be very worried. Now he is very good with letting me know.

                      If it makes you feel any better, SC, I have planned DH’s funeral a few times, and also a couple of the children’s. Its not fun and I guess it takes a few years off one’s life.

                      Under the stars Answered on May 22, 2020.
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                        I think you would be right to be bothered. I’d also say though that being out later than expected without notifying the other family members is something people do without always realizing how rude or unnerving it can be. When I was a teen, I never really did anything too scandalous. I did, however, one time stay out with my best friend until 5:30 after saying I’d be back at 1. My mom was greatly worried and upset. I had figured that she wouldn’t want to be woken up by a phone call at 1 to say we wanted to stay out later. (This was before texting or email was a thing.) But she had been up and was worried. Being a parent now, I can understand. Ironically, my friend and I weren’t out doing anything dangerous or immoral but were just at another friend’s house—this was a friend from my church. Our friend who lived there went to bed probably at about midnight and my friend’s mom, my friend, and I kept talking until a little after 5 AM, and then she drove us back to my house. My friend’s mom was older than my own mom, and my friend and I just enjoyed talking with her a lot.

                        Again, I think it’s justified to be upset. But parents/spouses should probably be proactive in letting their kids/spouses know why it’s important to them that they come home when they say they’ll be home or say where they’re at because I do think it’s natural for a lot of people to see staying out later than expected as no big deal.

                        Queen bed Answered on May 23, 2020.
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