You think you know how it will go . . .

    My wife just exited COVID quarantine.  She and the whole family were fine, but after two weeks of no affection, I was starved for her touch.  In the middle of a conversation I went in for a kiss and she put up her hand to block me because she was talking.  Didn’t she even miss touching me?

    Now, you experienced couples might not be surprised, but I was so dejected I couldn’t even focus on my work.  I lay down on the floor of my office in a depressed mood, and I thought, since I’m down here I might as well pray.  I asked God, “Why? Why doesn’t she want my affection? How long must this go on?   Why?  Did you intend for me to marry so I could do without intimacy?  Why? Why? Why?

    I decided I’d log on at TMB and challenge you, the best & brightest, to see if anyone has ever turned around a marriage lacking in intimacy.  I made my introduction and got a nice welcome.  I had it all planned out in my mind to come back later that evening.

    After dinner she asked me what I wanted to do that evening.  My answer was “Make love.”  She shut me down in no uncertain terms, but then a funny thing happened.  My prayer was answered.  She told me why.  I don’t have to like it, but I know she has her reasons, and after some communication she knows I have ambitions of a more intimate life together.  She seemed to accept it.  At least now I have hope.  We ended the discussion with me retelling all the best interludes we’ve had over the years, for which I was thankful.

    So instead of my gripe-fest, I’m back to ask some questions.  Tell me, TMB, because I need to know these things, things I would never ask a friend or family member.

    • Is make-up sex a thing?  We’ve never done it.  I’ve only heard about it on TV and the radio.
    • Do married couples have sex after a date?  I know unmarried couples do; it’s practically an expectation.  She and I were virgins when we got married and the only time we ever concluded a date with sex was our first Valentine’s Day together.
    • Do married couples ever turn to physical intimacy to relieve stress, anxiety, and sadness?  People do on TV, but not in my house.  She doesn’t want it from me, nor does she offer it when I’m feeling low.

    I’m sure I’ll think of more, but that’s a start.  I’ll also be back later to slay some sacred cows (if you’ll forgive the reference to Hinduism . . . perhaps instead I’ll smash some golden calves and throw them into the water).

    Over to you, TMB.

    Double bed Asked on September 21, 2020 in MARRIED SEX.
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    14 Answer(s)

      I’m unsure how any of our unique marriage responses will be helpful to you without knowing what reasons your wife gave to you.

      On the floor Answered on September 22, 2020.
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        • Is make-up sex a thing?   
          • A few times it has been. But probably not in the way it is often portrayed on TV or Hollywood. We’ve had “intense discussions” – we’ve never really what I’d call “fights” – and after we have worked our way through the discussions (which most often were about sex in the first place) we have had sex on the other side. Often those are very intimate sessions, I guess because the vulnerability the discussion brings. It can be a quandary for me whether or not to initiate in those times because I don’t want to be selfish.
        • Do married couples have sex after a date?  
          • Yes – most of the time our “dates” end with a lovemaking session. But it’s not like in the movies. We don’t walk in the door kissing and hanging on each other. We usually come in the house, go about our normal getting ready for bed routines and have “normal” sex before sleep. But there have been a few times when there was some extra steam.
        • Do married couples ever turn to physical intimacy to relieve stress, anxiety, and sadness? 
          • As most have said, I as the man seek this from sex. My wife goes the opposite direction. But over the years she has realized this benefit I get from sex and actually has initiated with that in mind when she sees that I am stressed. However, as I get older, stress makes it harder to perform, so now that too is stressful.

        Getting old sucks!

        Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on September 22, 2020.
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          @Claymore–I noticed you were praising God for giving you the answer to your heart’s cry of “Why” and that what was important was praising God, not that we know what the answer was. If you want to explore that issue further, share as you feel comfortable and we are here to give our 2 cents worth!

          • Is make-up sex a thing?  We don’t fight much, but sometimes become distant or less connected and it does seem like when the tide turns on that we follow up with some pretty satisfying sex. I guess it’s like a re-set on our one-ness.
          • Do married couples have sex after a date?  I always used to feel like our date had been a failure if we didn’t! But as so many have said, if we went out and had a meal that left us uncomfortably full, we didn’t! Now I feel much more sanguine about that and satisfied with just spending time together and having sex whenever it occurs.
          • Do married couples ever turn to physical intimacy to relieve stress, anxiety, and sadness?  Both of us tend to withdraw when we are stressed. Or I might eventually start spilling out everything that is weighing on my mind in a stream of words that comes out so fast it barely makes sense. So seldom for stress or anxiety, but sadness, absolutely. I shared before, but the day we relinquished our son back to his birth parents (because they decided against the adoption) we ML like our lives depended on it. I don’t remember it ever being as intense before or after.

          Regarding your marriage as a whole, you have made a statement that tells me you are absolutely on the right track:  “I have ambitions of a more intimate life together.” You may have meant it as a euphemism for “more sex”, but exactly what you said is what will actually lead to more sex. A more intimate life together is a beautiful, magical thing and as long as you keep turning to God, you are definitely on your way!!

          Under the stars Answered on September 24, 2020.

          “I guess it’s like a re-set on our one-ness.”

          Yes, love it!

          on September 24, 2020.

          Duchess, I chose my words precisely.  “Intimacy” includes sex, but it encompasses the entire spectrum of physical and emotional affection.  As for your last comment, being on my way is no guarantee of reaching the destination.  All the same, I appreciate your supportive comments.

          on September 25, 2020.
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            This is great! Really though, prayer is good and scripture is good especially the part where she shushes you as if a child!!

            before I say what I would do, remember, I am not nice, nice is not in me but I need to be nice to my wife just because she would expect that and treating her tenderly is good and right.

            Also, I know little about you, length of marriage and perhaps if she does this disrespectful thing all the time or not. AND realize that I DO NOT believe the virus is real. I have my reasons party is because my wife and baby contracted covid in May from the hospital where the baby had a procedure done. My wife also quarantined herself and demanded I mask myself but after a few days of this isolation and bringing items, drinks, food to her upstairs, I had had it!! Flash to the future afterword and neither she, the baby nor myself or anyone among 5+ kids in the house had ANY symptoms!! This proves nothing on a large scale but I have additional reasons to not believe in it. Enough of that.

              • Is make-up sex a thing?   After a heavy fight in which my wife usually tears down every possible subject of manhood I possess and falsely accuses me, etc, etc…we make love like poetry.

             

              • Do married couples have sex after a date?  It is so expected after a date that if we don’t, the reason would have to be sickness or sleep problems but I would say 90% of the time we have sex after. Often with wine.

             

              • Do married couples ever turn to physical intimacy to relieve stress, anxiety, and sadness?  No. Sex relieves stress mostly in the man I suppose but lets just say that without ongoing and frequent sex (weekly?), there would have to be an alternative. For men, too often they turn to porn or a problem with spending money on boy toys, etc.

             

            But…your wife and mine have similar problems with respect. When my wife put her hand on my mouth in the past, I lose it! That is defined as DIS-respect! In your case, whatever she was saying should suddenly become the least important in the world! No woman should ever, ever put her hand on your mouth, EVER!!! (ok during sex) If anything, she should be the one to stop talking and allow the man to speak! In these post-modern times, men are emasculated and often sex is refused in order to get his behavior back to proper standards. I could go on but sounds like she does NOT miss you. Perhaps a new truck or hunting knife? New laptop or IPAD? Construction of backyard man-cave perhaps?  Check Pinterest; keyword, mancave. Run a power line to it and a 20A fuse switch ought to do it!

             

            California King Answered on September 21, 2020.
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