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Is it ok for not caring if you have an O

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Awesome5
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Re: Is it ok for not caring if you have an O

Post by Awesome5 »

benny wrote: Mon Nov 22, 2021 8:50 am If you are not going to have an orgasm you should be aware of the message you send and maybe more importantly how that message is received. My DW doesn't send clear messages so I'm left to decipher why she's doing something. Many times I get it wrong. It's easy to feel deflated when your spouse constantly feels her O or sex in general is no longer important or needed especially if one of you feel it is important.

In my case doesn't make me feel like a failure in the sense I can't give her an O but I feel like I failed to arouse her enough to want sex with me. After a while the words duty or maintenance sex comes into your mind then sex feels like it is one sided and not desired but tolerated.

I'm not saying an orgasm is always required just reenforced why it's this time.

Falling into a rut is easy, getting out is not

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Thanks for sharing. I love sex with DH. Not having an O doesn't prevent me from wanting more. I wish there wasn't so much pressure or shame involved with O
Awesome5
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Re: Is it ok for not caring if you have an O

Post by Awesome5 »

LuckyInLove wrote: Mon Nov 22, 2021 6:41 am
Awesome5 wrote: Sun Nov 21, 2021 10:18 pm
This is sad society sees it this way. Maybe that's why DH might feel like a failure. Not having an O shouldn't be seen as a failure or bad at sex. As for right I see an O as a bonus. I don't feel I have a right to an O. It's just an extra bonus. If it doesn't happen sex is still very much amazing without it
You don’t feel you have a right to orgasm? Why is that? Do you feel that your husband does have that right?


An O is just a bonus to me. I don't personally feel I have a right to an O but it's something that's a special bonus. Sex is the main priority because it connects us as one.

I'm confused about your second question. My O or his? I don't believe right is the correct term to use because it makes it sound like a requirement. An O just isn't important to me and I enjoy sex without it.
Awesome5
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Re: Is it ok for not caring if you have an O

Post by Awesome5 »

LBD wrote: Mon Nov 22, 2021 5:26 am I’ve asked my wife, and she “don’t know”, but I’ve wondered…what keeps one in your situation from exploring ways that increase the odds of orgasm? As you’ve indicated, it feels good, maybe even great. It’s obvious the price is often perceived as higher than the payoff, but what if the price could be lowered? My wife generally has not been willing to even consider that possibility, and that fact has been more frustrating for me than the general inability to orgasm has. Recently she has accepted the use of a vibrator an somewhat embraced it. That has been so very satisfying for ME, as it gives me great satisfaction to know I can give that to her. But she still can’t explain her hesitation at being open to increasing the frequency of O in general. I do think sometimes her own frustration comes into play because she went through a time when she would think one’s coming but lose it for no apparent reason. So maybe there is a defense mechanism at play too?

I don't believe so. We didn't know what an O was until we got married. As strong Christians sex is God created enjoyed by spouses. I'm not against an O but it's not important for me. The first time it happened I was shocked and overwhelmed because it was very new to me but very nice too. I don't have an O most of the time. It doesn't happen at all but DH tries. The obsession with an O does leave me uncomfortable because an O shouldn't be the main focus of sex. I think obsessing over an O takes away from the beauty of sex. Since I did O I can count on one hand how many times it happened. DH said it makes him feel special when I did O but for me sex is special. The more focus on an O the more sex becames about an O. I do sometimes think never having an O would be better because since I had one DH is frustrated when I don't O. During sex he asks did I O and I just want to focus on sex not an O.
Awesome5
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Re: Is it ok for not caring if you have an O

Post by Awesome5 »

SeekingChange wrote: Mon Nov 22, 2021 5:50 am LBD touches on a good point, are you willing to seek out ways to orgasm easier? If for no other reason, are you willing to explore orgasms out of a love for your husband?

Is your preference wrong? No. But when someone becomes so comfortable where they are, and they aren't willing to grow or change, that's where a problem can lay, and we could be robbing ourselves, our mates, and our marriages.


Good question. I'm unsure but an O shouldn't be the focus of sex. Sometimes I wish I never had one because now sex is about an O. I don't want it to become an obsession or obligation. I'm open to do things but an O shouldn't be the focus. It takes away from sex. If I do have an O it should come without obligation or pressure
LuckyInLove
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Re: Is it ok for not caring if you have an O

Post by LuckyInLove »

I’m using the term ‘right’ to mean entitlement, not requirement. No one has to take what they are entitled to; it’s just something that they can have it they want it. So, I’m guessing if you use that definition, all of us would say we have the ‘right’ to orgasm. Would you agree with that?

What I’m really getting at is to make sure you don’t think, as a woman, that an orgasm is a lesser priority for women than for men. I’m looking for your motivation to NOT have an O. Generally, when something feels amazing, people like to do it. But if there’s a cost involved, then one weighs the cost:benefit. I’m wondering if there’s a cost to you?
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Olorin
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Re: Is it ok for not caring if you have an O

Post by Olorin »

I have read most of this thread and been thinking of what to say for a few days.

First, it is clearly not a problem if during a given sexual encounter one or both of the spouses does not wish to pursue an orgasm.

Second, as a husband, I really enjoy it when my wife has an O. It is not simply because I need to know that I can give her an orgasm; it really is 'hotter' for me when my wife also cums at some point during sex (even if it does not happen during PIV sex, which it doesn't for us since DW can only O when she uses a vibrator on herself. More on that in the next point).

Third, my wife did not experience an orgasm for the first 20 years (or so) of marriage. After lots of frustration, we experimented with vibrators and found one that caused her to O. This has revolutionized our MB; it made sex 'hotter' for me, and she at last could experience the O that eluded her for so long. So far, she can only O when using the vibrator on herself and we have not (yet) found a way for her to O during PIV. However, our MB is a MUCH happier place now than when she could not have an O.

Fourth, there are sexual encounters when she does not want to pursue an O. Even though the vibrator can bring her to an O in a short time (sometimes in minutes), her desire for one is simply not as strong as my desire for O's. So, there are days that are 'for me', which means we cuddle in the bed/shower, usually with an HJ for me at some point. We save PIV sex for those days on which she wants to O; she finds PIV sex more enjoyable after she O's.

Finally, it is great that you enjoy sex without having an O. However, your husband's desires also need to be considered when determining what your marriage bed will 'look' like. Like other husbands, he wants the kind of connection that occurs when you also have an O. Compromise is the key here. Although I would like DW to pursue an O each time we have sex, I am delighted that she elects to pursue an O at least once or twice a week. If having an O for you is difficult, do consider using a vibrator as a way to make it a more likely occurrence.
David
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Re: Is it ok for not caring if you have an O

Post by David »

It sounds to me like your husband wants you to have an orgasm for 2 main reasons:
1. he probably always has an orgasm himself
2. He sees how happy you are when you have orgasms and wants you to experience that pleasure regularly

Sex might not be "about" an orgasm, and it's not necessarily achievable to have one every time, but I think most people find that having regular orgasms is both enjoyable and satisfying.
I think it's fine to be content with not having orgasms every time, but saying you don't care one way or the other comes across as something of a rejection of you husband's genuine desire to show his love for you by satisfying you sexually.
Lightbulb
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Re: Is it ok for not caring if you have an O

Post by Lightbulb »

benny wrote: Sun Nov 21, 2021 5:51 am I have to admit I struggle with this. I can understand a few time here and there but some wives don't desire to have an O at all. Take my DW for instance, 1 maybe 2 a year is all she wants. There's something special about giving your spouse an O that enhances the whole experience. And for the record, she can have an O very easy, usually within 5 minutes if she let me give her one.

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Ditto for me. It isn’t hard for my wife to have an orgasm. But she has to be in the mood for it and it has to be her choice. No pressure from me or it isn’t going to happen.

To the original poster, I definitely think it is ok not to want to orgasm every time or even most of the time. We were told early in marriage that for many couples the intimacy is more important to her than the ecstasy. No problem.

On the other hand, I enjoy her orgasm more than my own, I enjoy the process of giving it to her (I really enjoy giving oral sex to the point I’ve asked to give it just briefly even if she doesn’t want an orgasm.). Additionally, she doesn’t want ‘foreplay’ if she isn’t going to have an orgasm so I don’t get to caress and enjoy intimate parts like I would if she was going to have an orgasm. So I definitely feel like I am missing something by her only having orgasms when the stars are properly aligned.

There are also many health benefits of having orgasms and other emotional impacts (more oxytocin leading to a deeper sense of connection and bonding). And having orgasms seems to also lead to having more orgasms.

I guess the bottom line is it is ok to not always want an orgasm, but it shouldn’t be rare to have an orgasm either.
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