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"Off the Table"

Use of mouth on each other for foreplay or climax.
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Patient_Kind
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"Off the Table"

Post by Patient_Kind »

About 2 years ago, my DW told me BJs were off the table. The reason she said it " feels dirty," adding "how clean can it be to have your stuff in my mouth?" She also added that "semen wasn't created to go in mouths." Perhaps she has a point, but we also don't have any reason to believe it's detrimental to one's health.

I will say, I appreciate that she was willing to give me reasons and share openly about it. Within our first several years of marriage, she would instantly shutdown conversations around sex and would not delve into details. Despite the "off the table" stuff, my dear bride has opened up the past 2 years and I truly appreciate and celebrate this growth.

More background, DW has never enjoyed giving OS, nor does she particularly enjoy receiving. I have been able to convince her to let me give her OS on occasion. She doesn't like to kiss after because she is repulsed by her own scent. Last time was 1 year ago. She enjoyed it in the moment and I was able to to bring her to climax for the first time from OS during that encounter last year. She enjoyed it more than she'd thought she would and more than in times past. But the next day she admitted that right or wrong, she just felt "like it's kinda dirty," and she said it makes her feel dirty (I believe she meant more in a "kinky" sense of the word).

I brought up the topic of BJs one time within the past couple years and the conversation was shut down pretty quickly as she reminded me it is indeed still off the table. To which I replied, "Do you think it will be off the table for the duration of our marriage/the rest our lives?" To which she replied, "I'm not sure. Maybe not."

I would love feedback. I'm always down for biblical and gospel centered encouragement. Also, anything that you took off the table or had taken off the table in the past or present?

 
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SeekingChange
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Re: "Off the Table"

Post by SeekingChange »

"Passion Pursuit" by Linda Dillow and Dr. Juli Slattery, would be a good study for her. They really cover what God says and feels about sex, and deals with those kind of wrong messages. The Forgiven Wife has hosted this study online, in the spring and fall.

In our marriage, we did almost everything in the beginning. And then slowly things were taken off of the table, for various reasons, including sex all together for the most part, other than TTC. This lasted for years. Ten years into our marriage, sex was brought back in. Eight years after that, we were going to work on our marriage, a 90 day plan. I asked again for sex to be completely taken off of the table, because I knew that if it wasn't, I would doubt his motive and intentions. I ended that deal after 6 weeks. A little over a year later, EVERYTHING was back on the table (18.5 yrs married), we celebrated our 26th this year. Now in this time of everything being on the table, there are times we have had to say, "not now" to certain things, but it's not because of wrong thinking or false beliefs, it's because it was what was best for us.

God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, to find comfort, to survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years... and then she did something new.
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JLoydH
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Re: "Off the Table"

Post by JLoydH »

I feel your pain.  Oral both ways was an "occasional treat" - maybe 5-6X a year until about 6 yrs ago when DW stopped allowing it or participating in it.  At least you got an explanation.... all I get is "I love you but don't want to do that any more..."  for an explanation.  She used to O when I'd sample her wares...  and when I press the point it shuts all LM down.

I am thankful she's almost always willing, and sometime eager for PIV.  But I'd like more than vanilla to be on the menu.

P.S. - my erections were much firmer when I went down on her... a testimony to the power of her pheromones on me.  I love her taste and smell but she's always been a clean freak even back when she allowed it....

Patient_Kind
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Re: "Off the Table"

Post by Patient_Kind »

Thanks for sharing JLH. My DW's pheromones are one of the biggest highlights of that experience. It brings in each of the 5 senses and is a tremendous blessing from our creative Heavenly Father!
Ron
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Re: "Off the Table"

Post by Ron »

I was the same way when we had some oral sex, I would get super excited giving her oral sex.
one_woman_man
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Re: "Off the Table"

Post by one_woman_man »

Please continue to be patient with your DW.  It is good to listen to her reasons and try to be understanding. Hopefully she will come to realize  what is behind her resistance, so that you both can work at overcoming it in loving and constructive ways. Or if it is just resistance.

This got me thinking of other things. Probably not good to go here with your DW.  But here are some of the thoughts that came to mind:

Feels dirty, huh?

Yes, I feel kind of dirty being in the shopping malls these days. Who knows how many people out there have COVID or something worse? So, should I tell DW that shopping is off the table? Besides, biblically speaking, I can't find evidence that God created us for shopping - in big malls or online!

Or, if earlier in the day I have changed my grandchild's stinky diaper, are my fingers off the table for eating? And for how long?

We put all kinds of things in our mouths - like vegetables that were in the dirt, no less. Or eggs, not to mention where they came out of.
Patient_Kind
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Re: "Off the Table"

Post by Patient_Kind »

I love your encouragement and will take it to heart. I asked here because it has come up in my mind again recently and I thought I would bring it before this community of believers before putting any undue pressure on my dear bride again. Also, she has been sick for several weeks, so it would not be loving or kind of me to share now :) More thinking for down the road when she is well again.

Also, great points about the other things we consider dirty, yet do not take off the table. I am confident I could navigate that conversation with love. Thank you!
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JLoydH
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Re: "Off the Table"

Post by JLoydH »

OWM, I love your analogies.... very good logic.  But my DW is often more emotional than logical as is the case regarding OS.  I'd rather have her without OS than anyone else who would treat me every day....  That doesn't mean that I accept the status quo as permanent and am trusting God to make it happen again for us in His time.
olafthewise
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Re: "Off the Table"

Post by olafthewise »

statistically 40% have covid, of those who are positive, less than 10% have any symptoms and less than 3% of those can cough or breathe on you and give it to you just by sharing the air. But only .03% will die. Are we really going to talk about the chances of disease?
LBD
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Re: "Off the Table"

Post by LBD »

...eggs.... :lol: :lol: :lol: Yep, they come out of a chicken's butt...
It is usually futile to try to talk facts and analysis to people who are enjoying a sense of moral superiority in their ignorance. -Thomas Sowell
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