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Shortly before announcing that she was pregnant she hinted that she was OK with the vasectomy, but said it would need to be done right away over Christmas (well, not the best time to get a rush appointment...) Now no more talk (officially her reasoning is "because you would be hurting during the recovery..."). I'm not sure quite what to do from here, On one hand I have plenty of evidence (including a baby on the way) that I am not strong willed enough to tell her that I am not going to touch her until things are hammered out and taken care of permanently (even since this all came out, when you'd think I would be able to control myself), but on the other hand I know that my moving to the spare bedroom would make her unhappy (even though I should have done it when I thought of it back in September).
I'm a little concerned and want to have this taken care of because she doesn't seem to be any too upset by this, other than the fact that surprise, suprise I'm not jumping with joy at the prospect of putting her at risk and spending lots of money in order to have my life ruined for the next 20 years, so I'm a bit worried about having the cycle repeat itself.
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It doesn't make sense to me why you are talking of moving into another room? Why now? It sounds to me like you have the prime opportunity, nine months even, to talk and get things worked out and even acted upon with no more stress of a "potential accident."
2. You seem to be dealing with a lot of shock right now, and that's normal. Even planned pregnancies are filled with uncertainty. Unplanned ones can leave you reeling. Please remember that God is sovereign, and that He will guide you through this as He has faithfully done for others in your situation.
3. You now have 9 months to work this out with your wife. She may decide during that time, or in the postpartum, that she is done. The older we are, the harder pregnancy becomes for us.
4. I see so much love between the two of you in your post. Your concern for the risks to her (which really are minimal given modern medicine) mirrors her concern about your recovery pain (also lessened by modern meds). Perhaps that is where you open the conversation. I know there are exceptions, but it seems to me that the pain of vasectomy recovery does not match up with the pain and discomfort of the 9-11 months of pregnancy, delivery, and postpartum. Perhaps lovingly suggest that after what she's been through, it is now your turn.
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Regarding the OP, clearly emotions are high in your house AND UNDERSTANDABLY so. My wife asked when we got married (39 & 50) what would I do if we had an accident, I said cry. She said she’d love to have my baby...BUT 2 yrs later, she said she’d cry now to because it’s overwhelming. SC is correct that you have time. No one’s saying stop, it just means that if you don’t get the V, you BOTH need to take the responsibility of BC seriously if you don’t want another.
It sounds like you both need some time to process this and there’s not rush as she can’t get pregnant while pregnancy AND she’ll have some recovery time after birth. Let the emotions settle for 2-4 wks and try to talk again about how you feel and what is driving it.
Do I understand you to mean you believe your life will be ruined by having the responsibility of raising a child for the next 20 years?
I will admit right up front that my comment is deeply colored by my experiences of pain with infertility, but: I am appalled to see that attitude, no matter how challenging the circumstances seem right now. If you truly feel that way, please consider adoption! I know, everyone always says, "I could never give up my child!" But if you have any leftover attitude that you would rather this child had not been given to you, HE OR SHE WILL KNOW! Much better to be given to a couple who are desperately longing to love a child and would give anything to be "burdened" with such ease of conception.
Even though I have come to see the rightness of the Lord's plan in all of the things we faced, and in the one-and-done instead of the quiver-full I had planned, I still halfway hoped for a menopause baby until the day I went for my pre-surgery CT scan. Even now, knowing I don't have a uterus, much less ovaries, I occasionally still feel that longing for a surprise miracle.
I'm reminding myself that everyone's problems are different, and valid, and I'm doing my best to respect that. I admit, this is a tough one for me to be understanding of a different point of view, so I maybe should have just kept my thoughts to myself. But seriously, don't ever let your child know or even suspect that you ever thought of them as ruining your life. Please.
Not as angry with my wife, but still very pissed off at God. I feel like I tried everything short of going behind V's back, and this happens. I even tried to get into a male hormonal contraceptive study... and was denied because of extremely low sperm count. We thought we had something safe going between condoms and one of those apps, but obviously not (yeah, up to 18% failure, and I'm worried I didn't adequately convey what that risk meant to V) Two other things contribute to my irritation - I had been saving and planning to have my wrists fixed this year (carpal tunnle, and they're getting worse), and now that is probably out the window, and there have been pastor/worship style changes at church over the past 2 years that have led to my being disconnected/disaffected there.
Good news is V told me that she is done and to go ahead and get the vasectomy. OF course she's worried about recovery time so she wants it to be at a time I can take a week off. Doesn't seem like it needs that though.
I'd love to hear anyone's list of benefits of multiple kids. My "logical/rational" analysis isn't coming up with much.