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Reset on our Sex Life?

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TheAccountant
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Reset on our Sex Life?

Post by TheAccountant »

Hey everyone. My DW and I have just been beyond busy lately, as well as tired, both been battling not feeling the best etc. As well as just celebrating our child's first birthday. Any ideas how we can reset and get back on track? We really haven't been ever been to regular and I want to do everything possible to focus back on this and make it a priority. Only issue I feel is she tends to lend to the side of this being a temporary idea. Or at least when I bring up stuff like this in the past. Any tips? She really is a spontaneous person and says that planning often times can take the fun out of things. I'm the exact opposite lol. God Bless!
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newwifenewlife
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Re: Reset on our Sex Life?

Post by newwifenewlife »

- Go away for a wknd.
- get a couples massage
- focus on sensation and touch
- give her a massage
TheAccountant
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Re: Reset on our Sex Life?

Post by TheAccountant »

newwifenewlife wrote: Mon Oct 11, 2021 6:23 pm - Go away for a wknd.
- get a couples massage
- focus on sensation and touch
- give her a massage
Someone recommend your opinion on another topic about massages, check that post as well!
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Olorin
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Re: Reset on our Sex Life?

Post by Olorin »

Scheduled sex sounds like it is not exciting, but DW and I find that planning the encounter is enjoyable. There is the anticipation of knowing what will be happening, the fun of planning what to wear, how to prepare the environment (lighting candles, turning on the LED lights), preparing your body (e.g. putting on perfume, taking a shower, filing any sharp nails), etc.

Planned sex does not have to become a pattern for your marriage, but it might help achieve the reset you are looking for.
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newwifenewlife
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Re: Reset on our Sex Life?

Post by newwifenewlife »

TheAccountant wrote: Mon Oct 11, 2021 6:02 pm Hey everyone. My DW and I have just been beyond busy lately, as well as tired, both been battling not feeling the best etc. As well as just celebrating our child's first birthday. Any ideas how we can reset and get back on track? We really haven't been ever been to regular and I want to do everything possible to focus back on this and make it a priority. Only issue I feel is she tends to lend to the side of this being a temporary idea. Or at least when I bring up stuff like this in the past. Any tips? She really is a spontaneous person and says that planning often times can take the fun out of things. I'm the exact opposite lol. God Bless!
Let me take a step back and ask:
- what exactly does she view as being temporary? (Focusing on sex? The relationship? Other?)
- Does she see AND feel the value and importance as you view and feel it?
- What is her love language?
- What does romance mean to her?


The early years of parenting are tiring. You'll exchange it for other needs and concerns as they age. Of course, if this is your first child and there are more to come, it means another 7-10 years of potential exhaustion; so how you address your relationship & marriage during this season of life can either build a solid foundation or one that will crumble as the kids hit HS and college. You are wise in looking for ways to connect and adjust.

Spontaneous can mean a lot of different things but with her tiredness it may mean holding loosely to the plans you can make and put into play. Hire a babysitter if family aren't available for a date or night away...or swap with another couple. If money is an issues, it could even mean going back to your own place where you've created a special event, add music, change the light bulbs to colored ones, get LED light strips, Cmas lights, candle light, etc, rose pedals, fruit, any number of things to change the scenery and atmosphere. Share a candlelight dinner and you wait on her hand and foot...or pretend you're a cabana boy, get Hawaiian Tropic oil and put it on her.

Would she be into creating themed nights? Game night...massage night...picnic night...a progressive fast food dinner (or a mixture of places)...a "surprise/mystery" night. One time when dating my wife, I made a list of activities and food places for various elements and assigned them a number on a die. She had to roll a die to determine where/how we would start our evening (food or activity and then where). I had a key to all the places and activities. She first rolled for the mystery order of the evening. Then when it came to the food courses time (soup or salad, entree, dessert), every option had a fast food and middle of the road or up option. One of her friend's husband thought I was a genius cause I had a 50-50 chance of getting out of the evening cheaply. :D DW loved the creativity, planning and spontaneous adventure the evening held because she didn't know what she was rolling for. Each time we finished one segment, we went back out to the car and she rolled for what came next and then where it would be.

What about quarterly getaways or at least some of what I've written that she can plan for? What about taking turns planning for a date night (alternate weekly, bi-weekly or monthly, etc). Give a spending limit and the person responsible has to create a date based on the budgeted amount, $0 - $_____ (your limit and you can vary it).
David
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Re: Reset on our Sex Life?

Post by David »

You say you are "beyond busy" - are there commitments that you could step back from, at least for a time?
One thing my manager has said to me a few times is "you are responsible for ensuring the task gets done, but that doesn't mean that you have to be the one that does it", so are there things you could delegate to others?

Scheduling sex might work. If your wife is resistant to the idea of too much planning, why not plan a surprise for her?
CTim
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Re: Reset on our Sex Life?

Post by CTim »

Certainly having very young children can be stressful and tiring, but we found ourselves feeling MUCH busier with older kids and all of the assorted activities. So good for you in trying to address it, because it may not be temporary.

We had a reset in the form of heart to heart talks about sex and individual needs about year 15 of our marriage. Me waiting on her to be interested wasn't working out well. :) We don't schedule, but seem to sense when it's needed no matter how tired or busy we are. DW is low drive, responsive only, crazy busy, and not overly confident sexually. However, she can definitely sense when I begin to withdraw and pull away which sometimes happens after four or five days without sex. She will initiate sex when this happens.

Similarly, I can sense when she needs me to show I want her. Just because a woman has no drive or is responsive only does not mean she doesn't want to feel wanted and fervently desired by her husband. I'll take control during these times. We are just about as busy and tired as you can possibly be, but we make sure sex happens at least every four or five days because we now BOTH understand what it means for the marriage. We just make it happen and sometimes have to literally push through the tiredness to get it started. If we waited until we were both well rested and in the mood we wouldn't have sex even once a month!
research_360
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Re: Reset on our Sex Life?

Post by research_360 »

- Read an authoritative book and/or web reference on the subject (can somebody suggest some good ones?)
- Pray with your DW about this. Ask God for direction, wisdom and discernment.
- Remember that you can't give away what you don't have, yet we can generously give away love since "we love because He first loved us" [1 John 4:19] Ask God to give you the means to generously love your DW (and vice versa)
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