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So thirsty

Low or no sex drive?
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LilyOfTheValley
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Re: So thirsty

Post by LilyOfTheValley »

sd595 wrote: Wed Nov 24, 2021 7:34 am If you want to split this discussion into its own thread to separate the discussion from @LOTV's thread, perhaps that would be a good plan.
I would be interested in a separate thread about sex becoming or being used as a bargaining chip.
One phrase that's been used this week is "ok, let's make a deal so you get what you want and I do too."
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benny
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Re: So thirsty

Post by benny »

LilyOfTheValley wrote:
sd595 wrote: Wed Nov 24, 2021 7:34 am If you want to split this discussion into its own thread to separate the discussion from @LOTV's thread, perhaps that would be a good plan.
I would be interested in a separate thread about sex becoming or being used as a bargaining chip.
One phrase that's been used this week is "ok, let's make a deal so you get what you want and I do too."
That would be enlightening...

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Irnmyk
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Re: So thirsty

Post by Irnmyk »

I have clicked into this thread so many times to answer and just haven't till now. some of what it has reminded me of has been difficult.

I have several questions to ask first of @LOTV.

Having been away for a while, I had to go back and read your other threads all of which occurred while I was a way. They seem to be somewhat related.

So my question is: how is the rest of your marriage? Do you have normal conversations/exchanges about all the things married people talk about: kids, current events, news happenings, neighbors, kinfolk, weather, the leaking roof, broken faucet, bills due, etc., etc.?

From your postings, there seems to be a disconnect in your "sex language", so I'm wondering if that is isolated to the topic of sex, or is generally true everywhere in your marriage relationship.

Second, porn has been mentioned, and if that is in the picture, most of the below is moot. If that is the case, that's its own particular problem, and I'm the last to know what to tell you there. But let's assume that it is not so that I can say what I want to say following.

I read this thread (and some of your others) through the lens of "the guy who traveled". When I got home, I, having worked successfully at remaining faithful while I was away, was horny as hell and didn't want to hug and cuddle, I wanted to get it on. I was about to explode.

I was fortunate enough to have a spouse that made sure that I got to 'get my rocks off', but now, after all those wasted years, with Covid forcing me home (the exact opposite of your situation - like we swapped) where there were no time constraints, I've discovered what I had missed all those years with copious amounts of just hugging and snuggling and cuddling, mixed in, of course with the appropriate amount of pure sexual activity, all types of it. But I've come to cherish the times of pure just hugging, cuddling, adoring, etc., knowing that there will be plenty of time left for other things when those "come up", and they do - daily.

Before, when I traveled, when I arrived home, there was a period of recovery from being away, closely followed by , or in parallel with a period of getting ready to depart again, all of which was time consuming and very stressful. So, is he highly stressed when he is off the road, or does he completely relax?

We wonder, we wonder together, how we could/would have worked our current MB style into our former lifestyles, lifestyles meaning stages of life. What we know now is that we could never go back to the way it was. Even if the office called and said that everyone was coming back to their office or cube, and I had to be away all day for office hours and commute hours, we would not want to lose what we've found which I perceive is what you are looking for, the intimacy, the connection, and, yes, the sex that makes that all work right. We'd have to figure out something, and I think that that is where you are.

So, I was the one guilty of not allowing that to happen. I see a lot of what you say about your DH in my previous life. I can see now that that (the hugging, etc.) was what she wanted, but I was too dumb/blind/busy/wound up to see it.

I had this thought about your "is this teasing" thread. I could see that as pure torture, if (we didn't have the technology back then) she had texted me sensuous texts or pictures when I couldn't do anything about it. But, now if she, today, (and I've done this to her when she was traveling home) sent me something sensuous as I made the homeward leg, I might just have to mash the gas a little harder. Think about the timing of that type material and how that might affect him at the moment.

One other thing that I sense in your situation is that your communication about sexual matters isn't where you would like it to be. That's something that can be worked on, and again, I'll use my/our experience to tell you that we wasted a lot of years not communicating. We do now, completely, and I believe that it is key to a successful marriage and sexual relationship. It has sure enhanced ours.

I don't know that I've offered you any solutions in all these ramblings, but I hope that I've offered you some insights into what might be in his mind.

Just know that I'm praying for you from a position of someone who has "been there, done that".
sd595
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Re: So thirsty

Post by sd595 »

LilyOfTheValley wrote: Wed Nov 24, 2021 11:15 am I would be interested in a separate thread about sex becoming or being used as a bargaining chip.
One phrase that's been used this week is "ok, let's make a deal so you get what you want and I do too."
I'm not personally comfortable with the idea of husbands and wives making deals with each other. It pits a husband and wife against each other in a way that isn't working together the way they should be. The way I approach things with my wife is more like "Does this [idea] work for you?" or "Are you okay with this?". If she is not, then I will reconsider it. That is not a guarantee that I will change my mind, but I will likely seek out a different direction if possible to address her need/concern.

It sounds like your husband put himself in a difficult position by burning that local job bridge. I am not judging him, making a living is hard, I don't know what went down at the job. It certainly could have been a deal breaker situation. The hardship of that situation however is now shared across his entire family. It is a huge pressure on husbands to meet the financial needs (and I'm not defending your husband here, just pointing out the weight of this on a man). I hope and pray he sees the hardship you are facing and what he is missing and has a roadmap for change. To me, this would be the direction I would try to pursue with him. What options are available and what direction can he work his family towards.

My concern about sex being a bargaining chip is that I don't believe it should be used that way - there are probably many who disagree with me who would say "it will get their attention", but in my mind doing the wrong thing is still doing the wrong thing and I would be concerned that it carries the risks of making a situation worse instead of better.
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SLS
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Re: So thirsty

Post by SLS »

sd595 wrote: Wed Nov 24, 2021 1:00 pmMy concern about sex being a bargaining chip is that I don't believe it should be used that way - there are probably many who disagree with me who would say "it will get their attention", but in my mind doing the wrong thing is still doing the wrong thing and I would be concerned that it carries the risks of making a situation worse instead of better.
You make a valid point but I don't think this falls under "using sex as a bargaining chip". This is more like "let's have sex that is pleasurable for me too."

To me it appears that LOTVs husband, for whatever reason, approaches lovemaking with a "wham-bam thank you ma'am" attitude. This kind of attitude is generally not a recipe for a wife to enjoy sex.

If I am understanding LOTV correctly In order for sex to be enjoyable she needs more non-sexual attention, foreplay, and more focus on her pleasure during sex.

As she has stated she wants to have sex with her husband but if he is not willing to do what makes sex enjoyable I understand her hesitancy to engage.

In other words, her saying no to sex in this instance is not an attempt at bargaining. It is an act of self-protection.
Happily married to Serafina for 7 years. She is my Venus. ::luv2
Doug
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Re: So thirsty

Post by Doug »

I don't really have a suggestion to give, but I will share my thoughts and feelings about my own circumstance. They are not identical, but close enough for me to have some empathy towards both of you, and also give you a little bit of insight and maybe give you a more complete view. I am not trying to convince you of anything, but maybe let you see things from a different angle.
I travel for work, and have for most of the last 20 years. I am home a lot more these days, but in the past, it might be weeks away from home, and occasionally much longer.

I suspect my feelings towards sex are not dis-similar from your husbands. It is something I spent a lot of emotional energy on, looking forward to the reunions. On the other hand, my wife is probably more like you. It doesn't matter whether it has been me away from home, or her. Either way, it seems to take a little bit of together time before she is warmed up enough to desire sex. I used to have desires and expectations similar to how you describe your husbands. To be honest, my desires haven't changed, but I have been disappointed enough that the expectations have died a slow death. As a rule, I have come to realize that she will come around, but it is seldom on the first night, and is often delayed until the night before I am leaving again, and most often feels rushed on her part.I try not to be resentful about it, but it always leaves me feeling like she is just checking the boxes.

I am telling you that, because I see some problems to "delaying" until you have had your needs met. You say you want more non-sexual touch, and that is a reasonable desire, but so is his desire for sexual touch. I don't have enough insight into your situation to make specific suggestions, but my generalized suggestion would be to work together to come to agreement in how to make each of your needs a priority, rather than an either/or approach. I can tell by your post that you are frustrated by the current situation, but will it be an improvement to shift all that frustration onto your husband? As has been said previously, he is likely pretty focused on sex. He should absolutely be more attentive to you, but I don't think withdrawing your attention is the right way forward.

I honestly believe that you are both right, and neither of you is wrong. If I was to offer a specific piece of advice, it would be something along the lines of don't delay sex, but maybe for you to take a more active role in setting the course, so that your needs are not ignored. I don't know exactly what that would look like, but I suspect that others might chime in with various thoughts.
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