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No sex after pregnancy. What should a husband do?

How do pregnancy and the first year after birth impact a couples sexuality?
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SeekingChange
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Re: No sex after pregnancy. What should a husband do?

Post by SeekingChange »

Talk about it now, with your wife, before she gives birth and you are in the midst of your "frustration".  She needs to hear your fears and needs, and you need to hear hers.  See if you two can come up with a tentative plan on how you will take care of things during this time. Would she be willing to help meet your needs in another way, such as oral sex, manually, or even as someone suggested, breast sex?... but if she's a breastfeeding momma, that may not be an option.  Would she give you the freedom to masturbate beside her, while you look upon her breasts or while you are just enjoying her presence?  Or are there other creative things you two can come up with? 

But, also have the attitude of grace, because as we know, life can throw us curve balls.  Post-partum is a time where a woman's body has just gone through some major changes and possibly even trauma, her hormones are all kinds of crazy, and she will be lacking sleep and will be E.X.H.A.U.S.T.E.D.   She is having to learn to be a mom to a new little person, who has a completely different personality and temperament she has to learn, and having baby #2 is totally different than baby #1 because now you can't always "sleep when the baby sleeps".

God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, to find comfort, to survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years... and then she did something new.
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Re: No sex after pregnancy. What should a husband do?

Post by hubster »

I do remember that we enjoyed breast sex a couple of times after baby #1 and MB with her topless. We haven't done that since then so I can bring that up. Attitude of grace has always been a strong part of our marriage and I am more than willing to give that and not push her for whatever reason. I know she will be tired and go through a lot. I will be too due to full-time work, full-time school, and taking of chores and babies so I know that sex is one way I wind down so that will be a little different than usual, but very much doable. We already had a discussion about postpartum sex options, we just need one more convo to finalize a few things. Thank you for the insight!
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Re: No sex after pregnancy. What should a husband do?

Post by newwifenewlife »

It’s definitely worth trying to have some conversations about her needs & your needs/desires after delivery to see about coming to an agreeable & flexible solution. It seems you have to overcome two issues: a physical one and a relational one. The second is a more difficult one to get through I think looking back at your last post pregnancy.

A physical solution if she has a hard time with HJs and OS, what about a sleeve for you that she could help with and lay beside you for sexual connection?
.
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Re: No sex after pregnancy. What should a husband do?

Post by sd595 »

It is a challenging time for couples, not only all the changes and work of a newborn, but the healing process and time before coming together again.  I agree that a discussion is a good thing.  My idea - time for something sexual is important - find a way to lighten her work load to make room for that time and the energy it requires.
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Re: No sex after pregnancy. What should a husband do?

Post by SLS »

HJ's, breast sex, MB in front of her, etc. are good ideas. Another thing you might want to try is what I've heard referred to as "hot dog in the bun" sex.  Basically it is the husband rubbing himself on the wife's behind. It can be done with clothes on, which means she could just lay down or lean over while y'all are together.
Happily married to Serafina for 6.75 years. She is my Venus. ::luv2
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Re: No sex after pregnancy. What should a husband do?

Post by Ron »

I would talk to her about it. Remember, women when they are pregnant or breast feeding make a lot of prolactin and kills their sex drive along with probably being tired taking care of baby. My wife said when she was taking care of our kids that age, she was "touched out" and didn't feel like being all touchy sexually.

I wouldn't push her too much to be sexual with you, give her a break during this time. If you are about to explode, I would mostly do it in private and not bug her. You could talk about that part now. This is probably the only time I think it is ok to masturbate without your partner. Now ideal, but you can get by for a few months until things are better with her. Don't be telling her how horny you are all the time either, just makes her feel bad for not being sexual and she is already taking care of about all she can with a new baby.
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Re: No sex after pregnancy. What should a husband do?

Post by Hubz »

Agree with most here - talk about it before hand.  Identify your needs and that this is one area you do need help in still.  And, I wouldn't be afraid to schedule it - maybe it's a certain night(s) of the week, and maybe you can do something specific for her during that time, as well.  (Pick up dinner,  do a specific chore, indulge her with something she wants, etc.)  Ask her if there is specific touches/actions she would not be up for (example - my wife did not want any groping of her breasts during the breastfeeding months.) But communication is ideal.  Communicate on the subject and often.
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Re: No sex after pregnancy. What should a husband do?

Post by Hubz »

Also - to those reading this post, I think this is a big area that we as Christians need to speak more to.  I know I struggled with lust more during my wife's postpartum weeks than any other time in our relationship.  We need to be preparing young husbands and wives for this season a little better.  (End of soapbox rant.)
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Re: No sex after pregnancy. What should a husband do?

Post by 2luv4ever »

Conversation about this in advance is very helpful and can have added benefit of establishing ongoing conversation about sexual matters and changes. As your children grow and schedules change you will have more times you need to navigate how you express and fulfill sexual desires in a way that pleases and pleasures both of you.

You said she is not always comfortable touching your penis and that seems like a challenge, but it can be a time for her to grow in this area as well. Hand jobs can be very good and you may try variety (no lube, lube, shower). Of course, boob sex can be great and if your wife is smaller chested this is one of those times she can engulf you well. Someone suggested using her butt cheeks and that works well. I’d suggest you be fully responsible for cleanup so that she is not responsible in any way.

Her hormones may be different this time and neither of you know now what that will be like. She may want more attention this time and she may not. I’d encourage you both to be prepared she may be different this time than she was last time.
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Re: No sex after pregnancy. What should a husband do?

Post by Happily married »

Just echoing some of what's been said already.   Sounds like you have already started the conversation.  That's huge.  Keep talking together about it after.  Give her times of respite.  She'll especially need help with the other little one, so anything you can do to help lighten the load would be helpful.  Continue to date as much as you can.  She will need attention that life doesn't just revolve around the kids.  It doesn't have to be anything fancy.  It might be take out or fast food on a blanket in the living room after the kiddos are down.  I also think doing some of what you did in the past was helpful.  You mentioned still working on getting used to handling your penis.  The suggestion of a sleeve is a good one.  She may be more comfortable holding it while you do the work.  Schedules with a newborn don't always work, especially if they have days and nights mixed up, but talking about once a week and putting it on the calendar with the understanding that it may have to move to another night that week might help as well.  You have about 18 or so years ahead of making adjustments and being creative with making TMB a happy place.  Oh, and congratulations!
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