Special Groups

We have sections you must join to use. You can see the full list here. Most you can join with a click. The medical and pastoral groups require approval.
Note, some groups were not accepting new members properly. That is fixed.

Question for husbands, but wives are welcome to answer too.

How do pregnancy and the first year after birth impact a couples sexuality?
Forum rules
Post in this section can be seen by guests and search engines.
Pookster
Queen bed
Queen bed
Posts: 140
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2021 9:00 am

Re: Question for husbands, but wives are welcome to answer too.

Post by Pookster »

Husband here.
I would say it’s probably more about the fact that sex is such a physical, mental, emotional hurdle for women. And the stress of newborn life leaves little room for him. This in turn takes the man to temptations that otherwise wouldn’t exist.
As for the wife’s physical body, my wife was beautiful while pregnant. We had sex quite a bit. Probably the same or more. Her boobs were bigger, her belly was tighter, and there was just something about knowing MY baby was inside her.
Her post pregnancy body is still beautiful. I can still tell she’s had a baby, but heck, she can look at me and tell I’ve had too much chinese buffet. It’s life. I still desire her more and more each day.
sd595
King bed
King bed
Posts: 515
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2021 9:00 am

Re: Question for husbands, but wives are welcome to answer too.

Post by sd595 »

Other men may be different, but my experience:

It’s hard to not get the message that a pregnant/postpartum woman is undesirable,

Is it the physical that is the problem? Her  pregnant body doesn’t turn him on?

Not at all.  I found my wife to be completely sexy while pregnant and even more so after giving birth.
or is unable to meet her husband’s sexual needs, and therefore he is tempted to look elsewhere.

Absolutely.  God put a need in man that is perpetual.  We have a cycle too, it is just that it is much shorter than women, every couple of days on average for most men.
She can’t perform the wild sex he desires because of the limitations of a growing belly or extreme exhaustion (or any of the other pains/discomforts of pregnancy)?

I've never needed wild sex though I'm sure some men do.  There is a component of priority here though, not unlike what a sibling faces with a new child.  This is a period where relationships in marriage tend to change for the worse if they were not right in the first place.  A husband not being met sexually is going to feel unloved and unimportant.  The proper balance of God, spouse, child often is reworked to God, child, spouse.  Having a baby changes so much and it is a huge weight and life change for women, but we don't think much about the changes on men.  There is a ton more responsibility, worry, and pressure.  The stakes are higher in every way to work hard, get ahead, get the bills paid, and so on.
Her postpartum body is not what it used to be, and it just doesn’t do it for him?

Not for me; she was always sexier after.
I read one Christian marriage blogger freely share that he was jealous of husbands whose wives had cesarean sections – because his wife’s vagina was not as tight after giving birth vaginally. This just makes me feel like we women are just used up unwanted goods. We do what God designed us to do – bear children – and this renders us as ‘less than’.

I think this is total world lie bunk.  I've only got experience with one vagina and it was fantastic before and fantastic after.
Is it that the wife isn’t showing desire for her husband sexually? Is she not taking enough time to be sexual in amongst feeding the baby around the clock?

Yes and yes.
Is the husband expecting her to be sexually adventurous and enthusiastic, while enduring postpartum bleeding and exhaustion?

He is probably looking for some relief and connection, and would be happy to get the attention even if it was a 5 minute quickie.
What makes the pregnancy/postpartum period difficult for husbands? What (if anything) can we  wives do better during that time?

The sex changes are definitely a part of it, but not the only part.  We are going through life changes as well.

Wives can do better by keeping on the path of what their focus should be - living as a Godly wife who loves her husband like Sarah did.
Is the pregnancy/postpartum period so incredibly difficult for husbands that they feel drawn to seek satisfaction outside of the marriage?

It is a combination of factors I think.  The lack of sex is one, and it leads to feeling unloved and unimportant.  It also builds pressure and pressure sees bad opportunity.  Combine that with all the new pressures and life changes of a baby and it is a hard time for men too.  None of thing is made easier by the fact that it is also a very hard time for women, especially on that first child.  It is a huge adjustment.  I think all of it is easier if things were right before the baby, meaning the couple was strong and living a biblical marriage where holes in their armor are small.   If a wife had no responsibilities before baby, then her husband did not do a very good job of preparing her from basically going from a life where she had no responsibilities to anyone to this child demanding of her all the time.  If on the other hand, if she was a helpmeet to her husband and already used to responsibilities and working for others and not just herself, the transition to motherhood will be easier, though still a life change.

User avatar
Twue_Wuv
King bed
King bed
Posts: 513
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2021 9:00 am
Location: Western US

Re: Question for husbands, but wives are welcome to answer too.

Post by Twue_Wuv »

I don't think the physical has anything to do with it.  Men have affairs with women fatter & uglier than their wives all the time.  It's about availability. When women don't make themselves available to their husbands, physically, spiritually, emotionally, socially, IN ALL ASPECTS, some men look else for connection, unfortunately.
Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while.
LBD
On the floor
On the floor
Posts: 1503
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2021 9:00 am
Location: Heart of Dixie

Re: Question for husbands, but wives are welcome to answer too.

Post by LBD »

Seems like SD covered it pretty well. Lots of things can contribute. Pregnancy and birth are MASSIVE life changing events for both parents. The mother of course experiences the physical changes and those can be alarming to some women, though their men likely think about that part far less, if at all. Then throw in the hormonal hurricane and it can put everyone on completely unstable ground with stress going out the roof. And then there is this little crying creature that seems to demand constant, draining attention. (I’ve got two and love the both, just being illustrative)  It’s a wonder parents make it - but most do and we all know why.

From my own experience and that from parents I know, several things are key to getting through. Primarily they both have to understand that they were married before, still are now, and will be when the child flys the nest. They both must make emotional support of the other a top priority. So very often, once the baby comes, it become king, queen and tyrant of the house. It was never meant to be that way. This upsets the design. It causes all kinds of trouble like those being mentioned. And it is often an indication that the couple was not operating according to The Plan to start with.  But even if they were, this new stress and new “priority” gets them off track. For men, they often see that they once had a wife, now there is a mother in the house and their wife is AWOL - and they respond poorly. For wives, they now have this new life they feel overwhelming responsibility for, they need help, yet their husband still wants sex! WHAT?!  There are all kinds of variations to this but you get the picture. The problem is I have seen MANY marriages go south after the children because the children became the center of the marriage/family (which puts undue stress and pressure on children that will cause them future problems, but that’s not the topic here) and that misalignment creeps into every aspect of the family unit, including the bedroom. In the bedroom, it breaks down the glue that supposed to be a main part of keeping the parents together. If that glue was on the weak side to begin with, it could unbind easily.

Bottom line - it’s almost never physical changes that cause increased temptations or sin. It’s a lack of working together to keep first things first. Both have responsibility for this. Sacrifice and Submission.

It is usually futile to try to talk facts and analysis to people who are enjoying a sense of moral superiority in their ignorance. -Thomas Sowell
::dog
sd595
King bed
King bed
Posts: 515
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2021 9:00 am

Re: Question for husbands, but wives are welcome to answer too.

Post by sd595 »

All true and well said LBD.
User avatar
newwifenewlife
Under the stars
Under the stars
Posts: 2334
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2021 9:00 am
Location: Place colder than I want to be

Re: Question for husbands, but wives are welcome to answer too.

Post by newwifenewlife »

Clearly this seems to be a sensitive and close topic with the question and I'm sorry and saddened for the feelings and experiences you've had. Not all men are that way, nor are all women.

It's been a long time since my kids were born so I don't remember much about how I felt waiting for 4-8 wks depending on the delivery. What I can say is that my then wife (now ex) became completely kid focused...and I felt used when she wanted to get pregnant because the frequency definitely increased during ovulation and decreased afterwards as well as after the kids were born. I don't remember being tempted more during those times and cheating was never a thought. However, married life is never the same after pregnancy and kids and if allowed, the marriage, as well as bed, is sacrificed in the name of parental love. Hence the rise of divorces after kids start to through HS or college because of kid' centric marriages. I remember feeling replaced by my kids, even the dog sometimes. As a man, it's easier to look to work for accolades and affirmation.

As far as body changes, I'm sure some men are shallow about their spouse's looks. While my current DW (not my boys' mother) dislikes it, I ENJOY kissing and rubbing her belly because it is life-giving. It is beautiful. Yes, it's not skin-tight and has some layers of adipose tissue, I love to touch it. We'll never have kids unless God has a sick sense of humor and naturally reverses something we don't want reversed!!! (Both of us would cry a LOT if that happened. I always tell her when she asks what I'd do if she became pregnant, I'd cry a lot  ask for a paternity test :D  and she NEVER sees the humor of me saying that.) :laugh

Sexual union and/or activities during and after a pregnancy is something a couple should talk about and what their feelings are. A husband needs to be sensitive to his wife's physical & emotional needs. She usually doesn't feel sexy, her breasts are now working, milk production plants instead of a playground and her one lane love tunnel just expanded to become a five lane super highway!   :D  A new mother may be physically exhausted, overwhelmed by emotion, information and advice; maybe be depressed, scared, and feeling helpless with this new human that can't speak their needs.

Ultimately, grace, patience and help (a Philippians 2 mindset) should be extended by both to each other and to some of your original questions, many times both people are unable to see the other's needs and desires.

 

Hubz
Single
Single
Posts: 44
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2021 9:00 am

Re: Question for husbands, but wives are welcome to answer too.

Post by Hubz »

Husband here - and I believe my comment was the one referenced.

I had a much longer post that didn’t post for some reason, so here’s my really brief answer:

For starters, as Doug commented, you can’t group all men together.

For me, I found (and still find) my wife attractive. However, pregnancy/postpartum wrecked her sex drive and she then struggled with Postpartum Depression, so the meds and the baby meant she had little interest in sex. We once went over a month without sex due to gate keeping.

Let me be clear - that is NO reason for lust. It wasn’t her fault or anything like that. However, I was spiritually unprepared to deal with that and struggled because of it. Thanks to this group and other resources, we were much better prepared for baby two.
Tantalum
Queen bed
Queen bed
Posts: 202
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2021 9:00 am

Re: Question for husbands, but wives are welcome to answer too.

Post by Tantalum »

Husband here: I have asked my friends about this subject and found an interesting split. Some men, like me, found the look of a pregnant woman very sexy. DW positively radiated health and fertility when she was pregnant so I was extra turned on. But some of my friends told me the opposite (and I was totally surprised because I just could not imagine this.) Likewise, women tend to be polarized too. For some, pregnancy is an erotically charged time, whilst other feel just fat and ugly. (Yes, I heard that too.)

We were extremely lucky: for both DW and me pregnancy was a very positive experience with lots of sex. DW had an easy time and gave birth without any problems. (Before you think she is some kind of superwoman: she is not. She has been suffering from mental health problems since her twenties, was hospitalized twice. Sometimes she says to me: "being pregnant and giving birth is just about the only things I haven't failed in".)

There was a dip postpartum but things returned to normal fairly quickly and she was kind enough to offer me some MS while she was recovering, so I can't complain. Her vagina, as far as I can tell, looks pretty much the same, with perhaps a bit more ridges near the entrance but otherwise not much different.

I certainly think that cheating on your wife for any reason is plainly wrong. I think we have to accept that either of us might become physically unable to engage in sex and that's tough but if you got married primarily for sex then you got married for the wrong reason anyway.
User avatar
JLoydH
King bed
King bed
Posts: 521
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2021 9:00 am
Location: Southeastern USA

Re: Question for husbands, but wives are welcome to answer too.

Post by JLoydH »

I haven't been on TMB much at all the past week or so  so I am late in responding to this excellent question.   I know that what MQ wrote happens and I am sorry if it has happened to her but I do not know any otherwise stable marriages which experienced what she described.  The husbands  who have responded already have said it well as far as I am concerned.  My DW was always attractive to me before, during, and after her pregnancies and I never lost interest in her sexually nor (through God's grace) allowed my mind to stray to considering pursuing sex with other women much less actually doing it.  During the refractory period when she was healing, I MB to take care of myself - this was before the internet age and porn wasn't a factor in my self-relief at that time.

Not that either of us ever strayed but the biggest strains in our marriage (including our MB) came later when our sons were being raised, still under our roof.  It seemed to me that DW's role as a mother had become far more important to her than her role as my wife... seemingly, my role was now limited to being the breadwinner enabling her to fullfill her role as a mother to our sons, and secondarily  to "be her husband."  Our MB was stale and her attention to me in general and her perception of my desire for sex  was mainly for physical relief- when it really was a manifestation of my desire for both emotional and physical closeness and appreciation of me as a person.  Accordingly, her response to my initiatives were dutiful, mechanical compliance as a Christian wife, lacking real passion or enthusiasm.  Often her mind seemed to be elsewhere in the midst of our LM and I wondered if our days of passion were over.

It was then, years after the postpartum  phases had passed that I was most susceptible to the attractions and enticements of other women, and succumbed to the temptation to MB to pornography (which by then was an option I didn't have before.)  I was very vulnerable to thinking about and savoring the praise of female coworkers who had worked for me long enough to sincerely compliment me on my business competency, leadership, people skills, etc. , especially if they were intelligent, excellent in their work, and high in their character - women who I respected for the right reasons.  (The attraction was in my mind - not a response to any overture from them  because they were too principled to make one. )  I sometimes wondered why they could see the value in what my DW seemed to take for granted in me.

I realize that women undergo major physical and emotional changes in the process of childbearing, nurturing, and raising their children, and that many fathers shirk their responsibility to share that load - in some ways I was guilty of letting my wife take a bigger share of the day-to-day load than I should  have - and which she eagerly took.  Coming from a FOO which was unstable in most every respect, I had come to believe that if I could make enough money, my family wouldn't have many of the problems which terrified me as a child.  I wore myself out trying to "succeed" and DW wore herself out trying to "parent" more than her share.

I wholeheartedly agree that God's intent for marriage has always been that a husband 's and wife's relationship  with each other ALWAYS takes precedence over either of their relationships with their children and if either spouse loses sight of God's priority in this respect, the marriage is in trouble.   While this may sound selfish, it isn't, and the children will benefit from the resulting stability and example of their parent's strong marriage.   As other posters have already noted, I believe that this is the main reason that many marriages dissolve as soon as the last child leaves the nest... it was already dead long before the kids left.

User avatar
Link+Zelda
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 2086
Joined: Sun Dec 20, 2020 6:16 pm
Location: North America

Re: Question for husbands, but wives are welcome to answer too.

Post by Link+Zelda »

Another really well spoken answer!

-Scott
-Link+Zelda
Post Reply

Return to “Pregnancy and Post-partum”