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Duration of sex break after delivery

How do pregnancy and the first year after birth impact a couples sexuality?
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Sam
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Duration of sex break after delivery

Post by Sam »

As Christians we are admonished not to defraud our partners. If it becomes necessary we are to discuss it with our spouse and resume our sex life  immediately  there after. That's  good advice from 1 Corinthians 7: 3-5.

Not too long ago, DW hinted that she would wish that sex break after delivery lasts for 3 to 4 months duration so she can heal properly. I started to scratch my head. That's too long a break. 

How would I cope?

Please what has been your sex break duration after your DW delivered? And how did you cope during the break. DW's here and DH's here please share your experience and advice.
4allthestars
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Re: Duration of sex break after delivery

Post by 4allthestars »

As a woman I can tell you how you deal with this will have lasting consequences.  Your wife will have either pushed an item the size of a dinner plate out a tennis ball sized hole.  Or had the diner plate sized item be cut out of her.  Each woman heals differently. If you are too pushy, and pouty.  The effects will be felt in your marriage for years.  The damage may be unfixable.

i would recommend having frank and calm conversations now. What your needs and wants are.  How will she need to be supported during this traumatic time.  Also be aware, that she may need to change the plan depending on how she has healed.  Be kind and understanding.  But above all please don’t be pouty if sex is off the table for months.  My husband did and it has taken years of effort on both our parts to start to fix the marriage.
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SongOfAngels
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Re: Duration of sex break after delivery

Post by SongOfAngels »

Agree about being pouty, that will accomplish exactly the opposite
Ron
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Re: Duration of sex break after delivery

Post by Ron »

Usually the minimum time I think is about 6 weeks. My wife was the same way, wanted to wait a little longer, I think we waited at least 2 months and didn't have a lot of sex for several months. You can manage!
MQ
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Re: Duration of sex break after delivery

Post by MQ »

I've given birth several times. Shortest duration before PIV resumed was 4 weeks. Longest I think was about 6 weeks. I was always waiting for the postpartum bleeding to cease before resuming PIV.

Be aware that there is somewhat varying advice as to when is best to resume sexual intercourse. Some advice will specify 6 weeks, some will say only after you get the all-clear from your doctor, some will say wait until the bleeding stops, and still some will say wait until you feel ready, etc. I'm not claiming to be the expert by any means, but just saying what I did, and explaining that there are differing views on what is the best approach.

I don't know what is the 'right' length of time for the body to recover from childbirth. However, please understand that it is not a light matter, and there is indeed a lot of recovery that needs to take place. The guidelines of 6 weeks, or whatever, are there for a very good reason.

Having said that, I understand your apprehension about the situation. It is a long time to wait. I totally get that. Personally, I have found the wait very difficult at times, so it's not always just the husband who finds it hard.

PIV may be off the table for a month or so, but that doesn't mean that sexual intimacy has to stop during that time. There are plenty of ways that you and your wife can share sexual intimacy, so it doesn't have to be a time of sexual drought.

I obviously don't know how your wife feels about the idea of being sexual during the postpartum period, so my comments are more general in nature. Hopefully they are of some benefit 🙂.

During the postpartum period, PIV may be off limits, but hand jobs and oral sex are still very doable. She can put on lingerie for those intimate times to make it a bit more special (yes, I have done this while still bleeding and it's very doable).

It doesn't have to be a time of total sexual absence. Sexual intimacy can be maintained, even without PIV.

Practical advice:
- The first few days after birth might be a no-go zone (for anything sexual), so be prepared for that. She's likely to be unbelievably exhausted, physically drained, and sore.
- Build her up emotionally during the postpartum time. Make her feel loved. Spend time talking with her. Massage her shoulders/head. Tell her how much you love her. Give her non-sexual touch. Fill her love tank, and she will be much more receptive to doing something sexual.
- Showers are your friend (no mess!). When she is feeling well enough, take time to jump in the shower together and have some fun. There's plenty you can do that doesn't include PIV, and it can be very satisfying (for both of you).
- Any extra help you can provide her with day-to-day domestic things is absolute gold. The more you help, the more energy she has for other things (including sexual things). You cannot underestimate how much impact this has on her.
- Remember that women can desire sexual intimacy during the postpartum period too, so don't assume that she's not interested. Don't assume that it will be 6 weeks of 'just-for-him' one-sided sexual encounters. Some women can be very much desiring sexual closeness, as well as an orgasm. Make sure you are communicating with her so you are aware of what her desires are. She may not be interested in an orgasm one day, and may really want one another day. Don't assume her 'no' means 'always no'. Keep asking and communicating.
- Randomly initiating sexual intimacy at any time of day/night may not work for her, so be flexible with that (communication is key).
- Be understanding as much as possible. The postpartum period can be a really rough time for a woman, both physically and mentally. Sleep deprivation is the pits, and makes everything else in life just that much harder. Feeding that little one around the clock can make it nearly impossible to get any decent sleep, and can literally make you feel like you are quietly going insane. So try to be understanding as much as possible.
- Remember that this break from PIV is temporary! It might feel like it's going to last forever, but it won't. You will make it through, and PIV will be back on the table again.

Hope that helps 🙂.
Wheat48
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Re: Duration of sex break after delivery

Post by Wheat48 »

So, childbirth is very traumatic for the female body.  My dr told me 6 weeks after both kids and I was so scared to have sex again.  With one child I tore between my vagina and anus and it was so painful that I was afraid of sex.  Even at six weeks, sex hurt.  I think a shift of still being sexual, but not focusing on PIV.  There are so many other things to do.

I had a horrible experience where I had a vaginal group B. strep infection that was antiobiotic resistant.  There was no way I could have PIV, as my labial skin would split and bleed.  This went on for a year.  I bought a masturbation sleeve to use on my husband.  It was easier to use, less work for me, I could still pleasure him.  I also bought a vibrator for me, and because that was up higher and gentler than his fingers, he could use that to pleasure me.   I would talk to your wife about what she might be open to.  Make the focus on connection.  Use the time to gently adore her body.  Give her back rub, pamper her.  If she wants an orgasm, great.  If not, then figure out what will work where you can both be there and you can have release.  Maybe she wants to watch you, maybe she wants to be a part.

I would not push for PIV, let her heal and have some fun, creative sexual time without it.  Most of what I remember of those first 6 weeks of baby is EXHAUSTION!  I would fall asleep sitting up.  If you want her to have the energy for sexual interaction, you need to take everything off her plate you possibly can and take the baby on walks so she can have a nap.  I would put yourself in charge of all the meals and the cleaning, so all she has is the baby and sleeping.  That is the best chance for energy for sexual time.  Keep reminding yourself that this is really a short blip of time, and if you respond with love and care, you are sowing good things into your marriage and future sexual experiences.
dc9
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Re: Duration of sex break after delivery

Post by dc9 »

Our midwife told us to resume sexual activity as soon as we both felt ready for it. She said that if DW felt like having sex, her body was ready for it, otherwise she wouldn't want it. No specific time frame was given.

After the first pregnancy I think we waited with PIV about 4-5 weeks. Handjobs for both of us happened earlier.

After the 2nd i think we had PIV already after between 3-4 weeks on DW's request (not initiative, she actually requested it). She couldn't wait any longer...

After the third it was even earlier. Maybe around 3 weeks after delivery. Also on DW's prompt request.

PIV was a bit painful on first entry for the session although we used lots of lube and I was very gentle and penetrated very slowly. Once I had entered her completely and just held still for a while, the pleasure overtook the pain and we could continue with gentle thrusts. We both enjoyed it, although it was a bit different. I don't think DW orgasmed during PIV for quite some time, though. We took care of that in other ways.
Tantalum
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Re: Duration of sex break after delivery

Post by Tantalum »

I don't think you can give a simple answer. Whenever your wife is ready, physically and psychologically.

My wife had a very easy natural birth with no vaginal tear at all. So we decided to try PIV very gently and cautiously after about 3 weeks, partially out of desire but also to "try things out". We did not have proper full sex, I just gently eased my penis into her vagina without any thrusting and kept still.

Physically it was fine, although felt a bit dry. DW said she felt no discomfort at all but told me that she wasn't ready emotionally. She kindly offered to take care of me manually and we did this for a few weeks, until she gradually started feeling ready and we resumed fairly normal sexual activity.

So for us it wasn't a fixed period of abstinence, we just slowly returned to our normal sex life. After about 3 months it was pretty much back to normal.
MrMarried
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Re: Duration of sex break after delivery

Post by MrMarried »

It depends on the delivery and how she heals, but I think the doctor estimated duration is 6 weeks.

You could point out that the Torah required a shorter duration.  I think it was 40 days for a boy and 80 if she had a girl.
LBD
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Re: Duration of sex break after delivery

Post by LBD »

As has been pointed out, there is a divergence sometimes in physical and psychological healing after a birth, and there are variables among each. You have to work it out together is the most important point. Physically, 6 weeks is a common guideline you hear for a normal vaginal birth. That was the recommendation for my DW, and she had episiotomies for both ours. We stuck pretty close to that best I remember, but she offered some "help" for me in the meantime. I recall her being a little deliberately slow on the start of the first post-partum coupling, but otherwise it was fine. I would encourage a husband to take this unique opportunity to show exceptional grace to his wife and lean toward her preference as much as you can stand it. As long as it is understood it is temporary.
It is usually futile to try to talk facts and analysis to people who are enjoying a sense of moral superiority in their ignorance. -Thomas Sowell
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