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Communication Breakdown

Any sexual problems or difficulties not listed in a specific section.
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newwifenewlife
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Re: Communication Breakdown

Post by newwifenewlife »

Here's some thoughts:
- Another idea with having a conversation would be to go out and talk about it over a private lunch...with a time limit...or in a place NOTHING could happen.
- It may also mean you might need to prep her with I'd like to talk about this (fill in the blank), "when would be a good time?" or "can we do this over lunch today?' It may also mean prefacing it by addressing the "elephant in the room" and acknowledging the difficulty of the subject matter.
- I'm not sure what exactly you're desiring to talk about so is there a way to ease into the subject and comfortability over time, such as discussing favorite memories or other enjoyable activities you've done in the past and reminiscing so that the subject/topic isn't as foreign or uncomfortable to brooch as it has in the past.
- Use conversation starter aids such as the ULTIMATE INTIMACY or INTIMATELY US apps that have questions about family, finances, spiritual, just for fun, romance, intimacy, etc. Or get a deck of OUR MOMENTS (couples edition) and make it a practice to take 2-3 cards on a date or car ride and see how the conversation takes you

Lastly, have you talked to your wife about this and expressed how you feel, how it impacts you and the opportunity for intimacy and growth when she's willing to talk to others and not you about the topic. She can't argue with how you feel and if you express your desire for relational intimacy and growth it's showing a vulnerable side to her far beyond sex.
Andrew
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Re: Communication Breakdown

Post by Andrew »

I know she talks about these things because I'm with them sometimes! We both feel comfortable sharing some things with our friends and they've appreciated it. Other stuff they talk to her about and she tells me later because we talk about everything together (except sex it seems). This is frustrating because she'll say her friends told her that she should try anal and how to warm up to it. Never in a million years would I have asked my wife to try anal, for reasons stated already. I understand it's going to be different talking woman to woman about this because they have nothing to gain from it. But I wish I could tell her some of these things, even without any expectation of them happening. Just "I'd like someday to try X if you're into it, but no worries if you aren't."

I have asked her why she doesn't like talking about it with me, even though she likes talking about it with her friends. She has no other answer other than it's stressful for her. I think she senses that I'm dissatisfied and want something more, which she feels she cannot give. This may be true sometimes but not always.

I don't talk about sex in the bedroom. I talk about it in other settings where sex is not on the table (like on long car rides). It usually seems to end with her getting upset and not wanting to talk about it.

Some of these friends are not Christians, and so I feel that she doesn't judge them for the things they talk about, but when I say something, I feel judged. Even if sex is on the table, I get the feeling that she is feeling pressured to do this and that it's something gross and evil that I learned from porn (when I was much younger) or from some other unreliable source.

She also feels overwhelmed, which I understand. She's extremely busy and is anxious about work and the house, and already has a lower sex drive and "no fantasies." I feel like I'm an extremely creative person, which is part of the problem. I'm always thinking of little sexy things to try and at first I wrote them down in a little journal. When ai saw that it was overwhelming, I stopped and threw away the journal. But I also need an outlet for all that creative sexual energy, and I wish I could tell just this one important person about my ideas! I have taken to writing them down in a locked document just so I can get them out of my head, but I know she'd never be interested in reading them.
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Beccaloo
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Re: Communication Breakdown

Post by Beccaloo »

My heart goes out to you about the wall that has been put up with talking about sex.

I agree it should be a safe topic between a married couple.
You're not alone. I've seen others comment that that topic is limited or off limits entirely.
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Link+Zelda
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Re: Communication Breakdown

Post by Link+Zelda »

One thing I haven't seen mentioned here is to discuss sex immediately after you finish a session. I know this won't work for everyone, but we've had some success there. If you're like us, you'll both be a relaxed afterglow mood and very open to discussing things without any stress. There will also be little/no pressure, as you'll have just orgasmed so you won't be arouse-able immediately for another go around (well, that's true for most people...I never managed 2 O's in a single session except for the first time on our honeymoon and then somehow twice this year in my mid-late 30's...)
-Link+Zelda
David
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Re: Communication Breakdown

Post by David »

You say that your wife finds talking about sex stressful, and that it makes her feel that you're dissatisfied.
I'm wondering whether maybe you could approach things a little bit better?
Maybe try over the next month or so to talk to your wife about sex once a week but only say positive things. Don't ask for anything new, don't criticise, just offer her praise and thanks for whatever it is that you've done that week that you've particularly enjoyed.
I'm also wondering whether the context of the conversation might be making things hard. If you bring up the subject at the beginning of a long car journey, then she's trapped with you until the end of the journey. Say to her in advance that you'd like to talk about sex, and she can prepare for the conversation. If the conversation is time limited (e.g. because you have to be somewhere) or there's an easy way to leave if she feels uncomfortable, then that might make things less stressful.
David
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Re: Communication Breakdown

Post by David »

To add to my previous comment.
I think what I'm driving at is that one of the reasons why your wife finds it stressful to talk about sex with you is to do with control.
It sounds like when you try to talk about sex, it's in a context where you are in control of the situation, and she feels uncomfortable because of her lack of control.
I don't think you're doing this deliberately, maliciously or even necessarily consciously, but it might be something to think about.
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