Special Groups

We have sections you must join to use. You can see the full list here. Most you can join with a click. The medical and pastoral groups require approval.
Note, some groups were not accepting new members properly. That is fixed.

Can sex help heal no emotional connection?

Any sexual problems or difficulties not listed in a specific section.
Forum rules
Post in this section can be seen by guests and search engines.
eachbeat99
Single
Single
Posts: 18
Joined: Thu Aug 05, 2021 2:56 pm

Re: Can sex help heal no emotional connection?

Post by eachbeat99 »

David wrote: Wed Aug 11, 2021 11:07 am I think he's guilty because he's having an affair.

None of this 90 days rubbish, he needs to decide whether he wants to stay in the marriage or whether he wants to leave. He won't feel emotional connection if he's undecided as to whether or not he's going to stay!
It sounds to me like the root problem is how you deal with conflict. That probably needs to be the first thing to fix.
The 90 days is not in regards to the third party. He is giving himself parameters to "go all in" within in regards to our marriage, rather than just "trying and hoping for the best" for an unspecified amount of time. It's his personality - he likes markers and constraints. The 90 days is meant to see if, after going all in (seeing counselors, mentors, reading the Bible, doing the "Gottman Magic 5 Hours"), he still wants to stay or not. To see if the emotional connection comes back.

It's discouraging writing all of that, but it's reality.
eachbeat99
Single
Single
Posts: 18
Joined: Thu Aug 05, 2021 2:56 pm

Re: Can sex help heal no emotional connection?

Post by eachbeat99 »

Irnmyk wrote: Wed Aug 11, 2021 11:10 am
David wrote: Wed Aug 11, 2021 11:07 am I think he's guilty because he's having an affair.


It sounds to me like the root problem is how you deal with conflict.
EXACTLY!!!! And, to add to that, how he deals with how you deal with conflict. Which is the reasons I asked the question two posts ago.
Yes, working through how we deal with conflict is definitely a key component to this.
eachbeat99
Single
Single
Posts: 18
Joined: Thu Aug 05, 2021 2:56 pm

Re: Can sex help heal no emotional connection?

Post by eachbeat99 »

SeekingChange wrote: Wed Aug 11, 2021 11:21 am
None of this 90 days rubbish, he needs to decide whether he wants to stay in the marriage or whether he wants to leave.
I understand the whole thought process behind this thinking, but I advise caution on having this attitude or giving any kind of ultimatum around this. There are many, who if asked for some kind of answer or commitment immediately, without time to think it through fully, the answer will almost always lean towards the negative.
Thank you for saying this. I also am grateful for this agreement for 90 days. It shows at least some effort, rather than the resolve to leave. Period.
User avatar
newwifenewlife
Under the stars
Under the stars
Posts: 2785
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2021 9:00 am
Location: Place colder than I want to be

Re: Can sex help heal no emotional connection?

Post by newwifenewlife »

eachbeat99 wrote: Wed Aug 11, 2021 10:35 am Thank you for the resources. It isn't officially diagnosed, but was a comment both counselors we have seen recently have made. I am not sure how to go about seeking out an official diagnosis. There are some "traits" that don't describe him either, so we are both unsure. He is more unsure than me.
1) What facilitated the need to see two different counselors?

Many professionals say that there is a spectrum of narcissism and there are definitely those who are overt narcs and covert narcs. (Heck, some suggest that we are narcs of some fashion due to human nature but it's more to the point that we can all be selfish, thoughtless, self-preserving and more and more, can play the victim quite well.) In the book I previously referred to, my wife's ex exhibited many of the traits but she would say not all that she could recollect specifically. However, he definitely only plays two roles, grandiose hero OR the victim. DW described his narcissism & behavior long before we understood it; heck, before we even got married. I never understood it nor did she even start to begin to put a few things together UNTIL she took Psych and study disorders and the DSM-5. She never really put together what the counselor said until taking psych and more importantly on our journey, his behavior the past 6 months and us deep-diving into the book I previously mentioned and many other resources & podcasts. (Kim Saeed is another you can google to read if you really would like other info to begin to scratch the surface of narcissism as well as Rebecca Zung. Those two are not Christian resources, just ones we've found helpful in the latest part of our personal journey.)

Again, I'm only responding to your posts. If he's a narc, there's an education to be had ASAP 'cause as a narc, he will play you better than a fiddle in a country band. If he's not, then he deserves every opportunity to demonstrate growth and change. I don't believe my ex was a narc but at the end of our marriage and beyond, she displayed many traits like a narc does just like a runny of stuffed up nose can be the symptoms of cold, flu, allergies, tumors and of course, Covid 19.

If you're referring to your husband not knowing if he's a narc in your statement above, I honestly wouldn't expect him to own and admit it. He's more likely to play the victim and be misunderstood by everyone. (Again, trained, professional counseling is CRITICAL when dealing with a narc.)
User avatar
newwifenewlife
Under the stars
Under the stars
Posts: 2785
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2021 9:00 am
Location: Place colder than I want to be

Re: Can sex help heal no emotional connection?

Post by newwifenewlife »

SeekingChange wrote: Wed Aug 11, 2021 11:21 am
None of this 90 days rubbish, he needs to decide whether he wants to stay in the marriage or whether he wants to leave.
I understand the whole thought process behind this thinking, but I advise caution on having this attitude or giving any kind of ultimatum around this. There are many, who if asked for some kind of answer or commitment immediately, without time to think it through fully, the answer will almost always lean towards the negative.
Well said SC.

As I said before, the affair must end for this to be possible at all (you've clarified that it has, I pray it's true) but the fact that he has given some thought to the potential of work and salvaging his marriage to you with a timeline is a positive thing and what SC said is true from my experience. It is not a value statement is what people in a brain fog will do because escaping hard work and effort with a lot of pressure is a lot easier, "consequences be d!@#med" as many say & do.
eachbeat99
Single
Single
Posts: 18
Joined: Thu Aug 05, 2021 2:56 pm

Re: Can sex help heal no emotional connection?

Post by eachbeat99 »


What facilitated the need to see two different counselors?
We are seeing a Christian marriage counselor twice a week, but then also did a marriage intensive retreat with a different counselor this past weekend.
User avatar
newwifenewlife
Under the stars
Under the stars
Posts: 2785
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2021 9:00 am
Location: Place colder than I want to be

Re: Can sex help heal no emotional connection?

Post by newwifenewlife »

eachbeat99 wrote: Wed Aug 11, 2021 2:32 pm
What facilitated the need to see two different counselors?
We are seeing a Christian marriage counselor twice a week, but then also did a marriage intensive retreat with a different counselor this past weekend.
Ok, I'm glad to see you're moving forward with some good ideas.

From my understanding narcs will not see a counselor more than 1-2x if they can't control the situation and counselor. In other words, once the hard questions and spotlight turns on them, they will quit, refuse to go back, or even exert a STRONG physical presence (such as tears & playing the victim, to stronger displays like anger, getting up, raising their voice, physical threats, even walking out of the office, etc) to regain control of or avoid the situation. A narc doesn't want to be exposed. They are afraid of being imperfect and exposed for their imperfections, vulnerabilities, failures and inadequacies, they also fear abandonment and rejection to name the big ones.

In my wife's situation, she tried to see multiple counselors with her ex and he always quit when the spotlight got turned on him and he was unable to maintain control of the situation through his physical displays of anger or crying and bawling on demand to play his sorrow and victimhood.

Again, I want to emphasize and be clear that this is my & my wife's experiences and learning about narcissism and narcissists. Your husband may not be a narc. I don't know you're situation fully so it is important that you work with professionals. I'm just answering your questions and implore you to do your due diligence with professional counseling (and I mean more than pastors).
Last edited by newwifenewlife on Thu Aug 12, 2021 2:44 pm, edited 3 times in total.
Irnmyk
California King
California King
Posts: 732
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2021 9:00 am

Re: Can sex help heal no emotional connection?

Post by Irnmyk »

eachbeat99 wrote: Wed Aug 11, 2021 12:53 pm
Irnmyk wrote: Wed Aug 11, 2021 10:53 am In an earlier post you answered @Link's question:
8. His parents got divorced. It was a dangerous situation and his mother left for everyone's safety.
Can you tell us some more about his background - the root cause of whatever it was that drove his parents marriage apart?

Can you tell us some more about your own family background - what type of family did you come from, siblings, etc.?

Thanks
His biological father was abusive towards his mother. He was hit once. His mother left that situation. His mother and stepfather had a very good relationship on the outside; however, he never saw his parents argue or get into a conflict. It was always very peaceful and idealistic. Which I believe is where his need, though unrealistic, for constant peace comes from.

My family and upbringing were great. Mother often picked at my dad for little things, which definitely wore down on him. I think that's where I get my nitpick attitude from as well, which I have repented of.
Thanks for being open and honest - in this answer and in many that you are giving in your responses.

I asked the question(s) above for a reason. I am going to refer you to this thread. viewtopic.php?f=88&t=2893

You didn't mention alcoholism per se, but the author of the book makes clear that alcoholism isn't the only creator of chaos in a child's life that has repercussions in their adult life. I think you might find some benefit here and get some insight into what his fears and drives are.

And, yes, a nitpicking spirit would be just the exact opposite of what any of us that find ourselves in that book - regardless the root cause - need. So, kudos for you for repenting, and all the encouragement that I can offer to you to stick to it.
Last edited by Link+Zelda on Wed Aug 11, 2021 3:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Fixed link so it doesn't route through the QNA.
LBD
On the floor
On the floor
Posts: 1666
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2021 9:00 am
Location: Heart of Dixie

Re: Can sex help heal no emotional connection?

Post by LBD »

eachbeat99 wrote: Wed Aug 11, 2021 8:44 am
I wish I knew him personally. I think I could help.
A new development that I am not sure how to navigate: ..... It is so discouraging.
First I will say I am glad you two have taken the opportunity to re-engage intimately at least a few times. As you said to your husband - it is a start on the road, not the final destination.

I don't know about all the narcissistic personality disorder stuff. It sounds like the counselors don't either. They are guessing based on limited exposure. Someone somewhere in all this said something like "we all can be narcissists..." - that is true! We can all be self-absorbed and selfish at times. That is not a diagnosis of a disorder however. My wife took some online test once that was supposed to gauge your narcissistic tendencies on a scale of 1-10. She was a 7. I was a 4. No I don't think she is one, but she definitely has more of that leaning than I do. All that to say - you have a couple of choices: A) take him at his word or B) disbelieve everything under the guise that he is a lying narcissist. I would lean toward A until proven clearly otherwise.

He told you he was guilty because he thought he was "using you". I've felt that way before with my wife. Others have said they have as well. So it's not out of the realm of possible truth. Maybe he is still having thoughts of the EA, or maybe it had, or has grown to more than just an EA. That would certainly be guilt generating too. But narcissists don't usually do guilt. They would rather do blame.

I'm a little shaky on the 90 days thing. If he has given the whole relationship 90 days to "rekindle" within himself, or it's over - then, sadly, I would be tempted to say it's already over. If it is 90 days and then let's re-evaluate - that's another story. That is workable, reasonable, leaves room for improvement via results or methods. The other is just stalling.

You quoted me in this post, so I responded. But I wonder if you took my initial advice?
Either way, as was said, you didn't get into this overnight, you wont get out of it that fast either. In fact, getting out may take longer than getting in. But maybe not - IF you have owned your part clearly for him to see and acknowledge and have been consistent to that in every way, not just in the bedroom.

Just my opinion.
It is usually futile to try to talk facts and analysis to people who are enjoying a sense of moral superiority in their ignorance. -Thomas Sowell
::dog
LBD
On the floor
On the floor
Posts: 1666
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2021 9:00 am
Location: Heart of Dixie

Re: Can sex help heal no emotional connection?

Post by LBD »

BTW.....

"okay, f* this. i am not trying anymore"

BTDT...a couple of times. And I'm not a narcissist. So I guess I lied to myself huh? Or...I just changed my mind. That is possible....
It is usually futile to try to talk facts and analysis to people who are enjoying a sense of moral superiority in their ignorance. -Thomas Sowell
::dog
Post Reply

Return to “Other Sexual Changes, Challenges Difficulties”