eachbeat99 wrote: ↑Wed Aug 11, 2021 8:44 am
I wish I knew him personally. I think I could help.
A new development that I am not sure how to navigate: ..... It is so discouraging.
First I will say I am glad you two have taken the opportunity to re-engage intimately at least a few times. As you said to your husband - it is a start on the road, not the final destination.
I don't know about all the narcissistic personality disorder stuff. It sounds like the counselors don't either. They are guessing based on limited exposure. Someone somewhere in all this said something like "we all can be narcissists..." - that is true! We can all be self-absorbed and selfish at times. That is not a diagnosis of a disorder however. My wife took some online test once that was supposed to gauge your narcissistic tendencies on a scale of 1-10. She was a 7. I was a 4. No I don't think she is one
, but she definitely has more of that leaning than I do. All that to say - you have a couple of choices: A) take him at his word or B) disbelieve everything under the guise that he is a lying narcissist. I would lean toward A until proven clearly otherwise.
He told you he was guilty because he thought he was "using you". I've felt that way before with my wife. Others have said they have as well. So it's not out of the realm of possible truth. Maybe he is still having thoughts of the EA, or maybe it had, or has grown to more than just an EA. That would certainly be guilt generating too. But narcissists don't usually do guilt. They would rather do blame.
I'm a little shaky on the 90 days thing. If he has given the whole relationship 90 days to "rekindle" within himself, or it's over - then, sadly, I would be tempted to say it's already over. If it is 90 days and then let's re-evaluate - that's another story. That is workable, reasonable, leaves room for improvement via results or methods. The other is just stalling.
You quoted me in this post, so I responded. But I wonder if you took my initial advice?
Either way, as was said, you didn't get into this overnight, you wont get out of it that fast either. In fact, getting out may take longer than getting in. But maybe not - IF you have owned your part clearly for him to see and acknowledge and have been consistent to that in every way, not just in the bedroom.
Just my opinion.