Special Groups

We have sections you must join to use. You can see the full list here. Most you can join with a click. The medical and pastoral groups require approval.
Note, some groups were not accepting new members properly. That is fixed.

Feeling like I'm missing out, turning to porn

Addiction, fantasy, habitual masturbation ...
Forum rules
Post in this section can be seen by guests and search engines.
Post Reply
TMB fan
Cot
Cot
Posts: 4
Joined: Fri Jul 16, 2021 5:36 am

Feeling like I'm missing out, turning to porn

Post by TMB fan »

Hello! I just wanted to share with someone to my issue so that maybe discussion can lead to insight. I've been married ~15 years and intimacy has been an issue for the duration, averaging ~ once per month. We work too much, something that is optional and we talk about changing, but capitalism has us as much as we would like to feel resistant. My wife tends to work later than me, then she wants some time with my son. So they stay up later and she falls asleep in his bed, so she comes to bed in the middle of the night. However, our intimacy is the best it has been and I don't have a problem with it. The child will only be young once. Our marital improvement is no doubt related to me trying to get back on the path God has for me, but I'm struggling with porn and great at justifying it in moments of weakness. I've read so many blogs and books and nothing comforts me in my times of temptation. My wife is a lights off, 2 position, penis in vagina only type person. Of course viewing porn has twisted me to an extent, but the fetishes there I don't want to be in the real world. I do miss them when I haven't looked, but I don't think I would have a problem leaving them behind. However, when the temptation comes, the thought that I will never again see a woman's private parts except in non-suggestive quick moments going to and from the shower, etc, kills me. I would be satisfied with my wife if it was an option. In addition, I also had pre-marital sex, including oral. However, giving oral was always something that I really wanted and looked forward to, so I'm glad I had that experience and grieve that I'll never have it again. I need some help getting my head right around limiting this part of my life to only the core experience. I want to experience her with all senses. When we are routinely intimate I can clearly see that the physical is unimportant, but as soon as it has been some time it gets to feeling very important. I repeatedly fall into crisis and looking to at least have one of my senses experience a woman. Then I end up feeling horrible and deciding the answer is to just stop. Sometimes that works after lots of inner fighting and willpower. I know it will never be permanent and I will be there again. I've never found anything the comforts me when I'm in that moment facing the desire for something I will never have, without doing wrong. Anyone out there have any wisdom for accepting what I do have and being resilient when I'm feeling down?
Irnmyk
California King
California King
Posts: 620
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2021 9:00 am

Re: Feeling like I'm missing out, turning to porn

Post by Irnmyk »

First - I see that this is your first post - welcome to the site. I recommend that you go to the "Introductions" page and introduce yourself briefly there.

Second, know that Board traffic slows down towards the weekends and especially in summer, so that's why this has sat without a reply for this time.

Third, there are those who will ultimately see this and hopefully respond that are way more qualified than me to respond to a couple of issues that you raise here.

Not knowing how much rummaging around on the site you have been able to do yet, there are a lot of threads that deal with (A) your porn question, and (B) your DW's responsiveness. Here is a good starting point if you haven't seen it yet for (B):

viewtopic.php?f=15&t=3355

My comment about porn is that it is all fake. It is my view that anyone knowingly engaged in sex in front of a camera is panning for the camera to some degree, and in the case of a lot of it, to the utmost degree - not real world stuff.

That doesn't mean that some of what you see there that is film fakery isn't discussed on this site and engaged in by our members. The difference is that what is discussed here is based in Christian principles and Biblical teachings by people who have named Jesus Christ as their Lord.

That brings us to you and your DW. Your statement about your son tells me that you are in the middle of child rearing years. Talk about a "brake". A woman's mind tuned to a child or children is a "brake" if there is a brake. The concern about the potential for additional pregnancies can also be a "brake". Except for the part about turning to porn, I might could have written your post fifteen years in to our marriage. I lived through all that and survived to have 3X your years of a good marriage.

Is your DW open to discussing how to work with your family and work situation to make the sexual aspect of it to be the best that it can be? If so, there should be plenty of help here to get you started with some conversation. If not - she won't even talk about it - then that is a problem that you will find others here expressing as well.

I'll stop and let knowledgeable people weigh in here when they make it to the board.
TMB fan
Cot
Cot
Posts: 4
Joined: Fri Jul 16, 2021 5:36 am

Re: Feeling like I'm missing out, turning to porn

Post by TMB fan »

Thanks for your quick response! I guess if you take away all the extra info in my post I really am looking just looking for motivation to hold true when I'm feeling tempted.

I used to read the site and had read everything up to a point. At some point I realized my bedroom is not going to change, and I will be happier if I focus on what I've got and not what everyone else has. With the exception of my post above I've been pretty successful with that.

I'll consider introducing myself. I'm a little shocked with myself for posting. I actually looked for a delete button after I did.
Irnmyk
California King
California King
Posts: 620
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2021 9:00 am

Re: Feeling like I'm missing out, turning to porn

Post by Irnmyk »

Man, with a user name like yours, you can't not post!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:
User avatar
SeekingChange
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 4926
Joined: Sun Dec 20, 2020 8:45 pm
Location: All I know is I'm not home yet

Re: Feeling like I'm missing out, turning to porn

Post by SeekingChange »

I believe we all face something in our life where we are not satisfied and then we have a choice on what we are going to do in that. Do we run to a false comfort? Which is actually stealing from, killing and destroying us, even if it doesn't feel like it in the moment.

I know this sounds like a cliché answer, but if we are a believer, we have to remember who we are living for first and our ultimate purpose is for His glory. It's really not about your wife, it's about your relationship with the Lord.

I just recently heard this simple, but profound true statement....It's easier to say "yes" to Jesus than to continually say "no" to the flesh."
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, to find comfort, to survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years... and then she did something new.
TMB fan
Cot
Cot
Posts: 4
Joined: Fri Jul 16, 2021 5:36 am

Re: Feeling like I'm missing out, turning to porn

Post by TMB fan »

I love that quote "It's easier to say "yes" to Jesus than to continually say "no" to the flesh." Shame, from what I feel is inevitable, weakens my prayers when I need help the most and should be doubling down. Living for the Lord is something I work on, one of many things I find myself lacking. I can want to have His will done through me, with my whole heart, one minute, them be completely distracted by worldly things the next.
ThatGuy
Single
Single
Posts: 10
Joined: Sun Jan 17, 2021 4:37 pm

Re: Feeling like I'm missing out, turning to porn

Post by ThatGuy »

When you say that your prayers are weakened, be careful that you aren’t believing anything contrary to grace. It is hard for us to grasp. What is the prayer that God esteems? The prayer offered with humility and dependence. (Luke 18:9-14). How are we able to live by the Spirit and not the flesh? Ask Him daily. It is impossible for us, but He is able to do immeasurably more than we could ever ask Him.
Luke 11:9-13
And I tell you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent; or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”
User avatar
DoveGrey
California King
California King
Posts: 738
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2021 9:00 am

Re: Feeling like I'm missing out, turning to porn

Post by DoveGrey »

This is strictly from the perspective of someone trained to analyze nuances of speech. Despite porn being the gist of your post, I can't help but be struck by your statement that you both work too much. You don't talk about it much, but it's the third sentence of your post. You bring it up before you bring up porn. Did you notice that when you wrote it? You also seem resigned to capitalism being the reason for that. That's a very broad societal construct, and yet it clearly has affected the most intimate parts of your life.

Consider this: is porn a problem, or is it a symptom?

Lastly, I challenge you to find a place where you aren't distracted by work. Stand up, take several deep breaths, and then sit back down. Close your eyes and visualize what your ideal evening looks like. Pay attention to how you are feeling when you visualize that. Remember that feeling, and take that feeling with you when you next discuss your frustration with your workload with your wife.

Your life will be what you make of it. No "ism" has the power to make you live in a way that makes you so unhappy that you are denying your moral compass in order to fill a void.

I will pray for you.
Wife of 22 years
User avatar
newwifenewlife
Under the stars
Under the stars
Posts: 2573
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2021 9:00 am
Location: Place colder than I want to be

Re: Feeling like I'm missing out, turning to porn

Post by newwifenewlife »

Great thoughts DG!

What looks so attractive that you’re doing what you know is false and not helpful and substituting a 2 dimensional false image and fantasy for real world living? In other words, shared from a book I’m reading by Craig Groeschel, “what lies are you believing?” and “What wrong thought pattern robs you of a living a life of freedom and joy?”

You cannot defeat what you cannot define. What lie has become a stronghold for you? What and why are you substituting work and stuff for a loving and fulfilling relationship? It is certainly easier to work than to be completely vulnerable, real and intimate with another human. It can even be less complicated that trying to learn to get along and cooperate. It just seems as DG pointed out, you say some pretty interesting things that seems confusing and incongruent and like DG, makes me wonder what both of you might be trying to avoid in your marriage.
TMB fan
Cot
Cot
Posts: 4
Joined: Fri Jul 16, 2021 5:36 am

Re: Feeling like I'm missing out, turning to porn

Post by TMB fan »

Sorry for the slow reply, I've been away from home for most of a week. Thanks for your responses! I will certainly reference here for inspiration when needed. Especially your quotes Thatguy. It is easy to get discouraged and stop trying when I feel like a failure, and it is hard to see the Grace that is offered to us.

Dovegrey is exactly right as well about setting up life to fail. My wife and I are trying to get better work/life balance going for us as well as our son. I'm also making the best efforts to make scripture, prayer, and worship a regular part of my life. I would say it is an overall problem and isolating one problem is not going to fix anything. Newwifenewlife, I have also worked more because I wasn't overly joyed about being home. I've had time of a lot of bitterness in my heart and my wife has faithfully waited through it. Now that I'm seeing priorities right, things are the best they have ever been and I still haven't completely reduced my work obligations to reasonable.

You guys are very perceptive! I've had a good week, and I'm better able to look at the big picture now instead of focusing on the evidence of my failure.
Post Reply

Return to “Pornography / Erotica”