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Hyperfocus Courtship and Decision Paralysis

What is lust? What isn't? How can I guard myself...
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00807174
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Hyperfocus Courtship and Decision Paralysis

Post by 00807174 »

I’ll start by saying this will most likely be a long post. Hopefully It’s worth your time

It was late 2016 my ex wife had left, and all I knew was I wasn’t going to be sitting around my house doing nothing while the kids were with her. I quickly got on some dating apps and started browsing. I’ve never been on those apps before as my soon to be ex wife was the High School sweet heart from a different high school. We had been together for 15 years and married almost 11 of those years. She had been the only person I was ever with truly. Me being in a semi new area and spending most of my days working, I had very few friends. Most of my friends were her friends, so I needed to make some new ones. On one of the apps I came across a person. Very attractive and guess what? We had a mutual friend. So I went to Facebook and searched her name and there she was. I sparked up a message about our mutual friend and how they knew each other and the conversation continued very naturally. One day I noticed her daughter was doing a fundraiser and she lived right around the corner from me surprisingly (not the only time but that is another story) I told her I wanted to help out with her daughters fundraiser and this was my chance to meet her in person. So she invited me over and I donated all the money her daughter had set a goal for. I was on a kindness streak and donating a portion of money to different causes. We stood outside and talked for quite sometime. No person has ever intrigued me quite like this before. She was going through the same thing I was with my ex wife but she was a few months ahead in the process. She was very helpful with some information I had a long the way. More importantly I wanted to know her and connect with her in a way I’ve never connected with someone. It was early on in the friendship she made it pretty clear that she didn’t want a “relationship” and between her and I it wasn’t going to go anywhere. I said hey I’m cool with that. I enjoy your company, hanging out, our kids get along great. We can just have fun, and that’s what we did! We became very close friends. We knew how to comfort each other, we knew how to make each other laugh. We knew the sad dates in each other’s lives and we often would have a few drinks and scroll through each other’s dating apps and picking people for the other one to talk to. We both did talk to those other people and we both went out with some of them, but at the end of the dates we typically ended up at one of each other’s houses with a glass of wine, or something harder joking about the dates and how it was. We texted each other constantly at work and we were both always asking questions about each other. We went out with our kids and did family type things, dinners, beach trips, even meeting each other’s families. It was very much a courtship with some loose guidelines. We talked to other people, even slept with some of those people, but again at the end of the day, she was the last person I wanted to talk to or see, even if that meant stopping by her house to say goodnight. I was so into learning more about her and I couldn’t get enough of what she had to say. There were nights she’d sit on my kitchen floor crying after a half a bottle of wine, and I knew it was cause of her ex. All I could do was comfort her, hold her, run my fingers through her hair, rub her arm a certain way that soothed her and I was there to listen to whatever she needed to get off her chest. I never tried to make a move on her I cherished our friendship.
One evening I took her to a fancy Italian restaurant. We both got dressed up, and made our way there. This was probably 3 months after we initially met. Dinner was exquisite and that night is when I first kissed her. It was an incredible kiss too. We had previously talked about kissing and what we like when kissing someone else and what we don’t like. This kiss can not be put into words. I’ll never forget it. A couple months passed and in April she had bought her own house. I was so happy for her and her daughter in this 2 bedroom house. It was perfect for them. I guess at the time her X was going through some stuff with his girlfriend and I knew from prior conversations he wanted her back and was going to live with his cousin. He asked her if he could keep some things at her house and watch their daughter there while waiting for her to get home. One day leaving work I got a call and said you need to come over here I’ll talk to you when you get here.
When I got to the house she took me in her room and more specifically the closet her X had moved some of his clothes in there. I told her he’s going to be moving in with you. That’s his plan. A couple weeks later she had a house warming party and it was all females. I was the only male that showed up (possibly only male invited but that did not bother me) There were some very cute ladies there as well. They said I’m officially one of the girls 🤣 they went on brunches and all that. Well one coming up was a cinco de Mayo party at a restaurant. We went together to save on gas clearly... but most of her friends thought we were together which we technically weren’t. This is where I met my current wife for the second time. First time being at the house warming party briefly. After cinco de Mayo we got each other’s numbers and started texting. She was very interesting as well and just starting the divorce process. By this time I was just about finished with my divorce. My friends ex husband was all but moved back in with her and I wanted to respect that relationship. Hey if a marriage can get back together and survive I’m all for that. I just forewarned her don’t make the same wrong decision twice, and I always want to see her happy. We kinda slowed down talking and I ended up seeing more and more of her friend. When her friend and I officially got together in august of 2017, it wasn’t really under the best of terms... coming off a courtship like the first one I felt very low. I believe a courtship like that can be replicated. Problem is it hasn’t been replicated, and it takes a unique bond to have that type of courtship. My friend and I lost contact because of some harsh words that were sent via text from my wife and call. There isn’t a day that goes by that I would love to see her, sit down with her and have one of those conversations again. Later down the road when she was back with her X and I was with my now wife, I found out from a friend that she had those feelings for me. I have admitted too that I did have those feelings and always will. I cared so deeply about her, and her daughter, besides my kids they meant the most to me and it hurts they are not there.
I have been talking to this woman, not lustfully. I am not wanting to cheat on my wife with her, and she has a boyfriend. We both encourage each other’s relationships and want each other to be happy. Since 2017 I could not get her out of my mind and rushed into a marriage with my current wife for the wrong reasons. And I second guess it all. I know my wife does not have my whole heart and I don’t know if she ever will. She has had trust issues from before day 1 and I don’t think she will ever trust me fully, and unfairly so. There’s times I believe myself and my kids would be better on our own, and her and her daughter on their own. Then there’s times that are ok. I don’t believe I’ve been truly happy but I’ve questioned.
Why did God originally place this friend of mine in my life, then my wife rip her away?
Now I’ll say she’s back in my life, but my wife does not know we talk. (Yes I know that’s not being honest)
How do I move past or move on?
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newwifenewlife
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Re: Hyperfocus Courtship and Decision Paralysis

Post by newwifenewlife »

It sounds like you’re really hurting as well as confused about up the situation you’ve put yourself in. I’m not sure what is really going on. You blamed your wife for a lot of your struggles while what I read is a sad and confusing tale of unwise choices that you’re now putting on God.

So let me understand this? You got involved with a married woman while you were still married. You made a deliberate choice to pursue her. You emotionally bonded together at a vulnerable time for both of you and now you can’t get over her. You both slept with people while married but dating others…and you’ve maintained this relationship with her while married to another person? What part of this sounds healthy? Is any of it inline with Biblical instruction and Godly wisdom? What did you think would happen? How have you honored God in this mess? Why are you blaming God for bringing her into your life when you’ve pursued her and not followed His instructions for your marriages and relationships? Jesus said in Mark & Matthew that "A house divided against itself will not stand" and that's what you have, a divided heart and house.

How do you move past? Confess your sin and end the relationship with this women that you’re having an emotional affair with. End it! Walk away! No contact anymore. Block her on social media and never look back. As long as you’re entertaining thoughts and giving this woman space in your head and heart, you’ll never be able to do what’s right in life and your marriage. They say individuals should not date any for at least two years after one’s divorce is FINAL (not when people file or want a divorce); I’ve heard others say to allow at least a year of healing for every 4 years of marriage. This allows for potential emotional healing, otherwise you can soak up any attention and affection like water and a dry sponge. I also know because I had several crushes on a couple women friends online even though I never met them IRL because of their kindness after my divorce years ago. Getting involved with someone of the opposite sex emotionally, let alone physically, is what creates problems.

The good news? God is a God of grace and mercy and He asks and demands repentance from sin. What will you choose going forward?
Last edited by newwifenewlife on Thu Oct 28, 2021 5:00 am, edited 1 time in total.
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LBD
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Re: Hyperfocus Courtship and Decision Paralysis

Post by LBD »

Reading this story reminds me of the common trope of “…but wouldn’t God just want me to be happy?”

No. God wants you to be holy, and He promises if you are Holy, you can find some happiness within the holiness, because that is where He is. You have not been pursuing Godliness. “Deny thyself, take up your cross and follow Christ.”
It is usually futile to try to talk facts and analysis to people who are enjoying a sense of moral superiority in their ignorance. -Thomas Sowell
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newwifenewlife
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Re: Hyperfocus Courtship and Decision Paralysis

Post by newwifenewlife »

00807174 wrote: Wed Oct 27, 2021 4:12 pm ....
I have been talking to this woman, not lustfully. I am not wanting to cheat on my wife with her, and she has a boyfriend. We both encourage each other’s relationships and want each other to be happy. Since 2017 I could not get her out of my mind and rushed into a marriage with my current wife for the wrong reasons. And I second guess it all. I know my wife does not have my whole heart and I don’t know if she ever will. She has had trust issues from before day 1 and I don’t think she will ever trust me fully, and unfairly so. There’s times I believe myself and my kids would be better on our own, and her and her daughter on their own. Then there’s times that are ok. I don’t believe I’ve been truly happy but I’ve questioned.
...
Now I’ll say she’s back in my life, but my wife does not know we talk. (Yes I know that’s not being honest)
...
So you say you're not cheating on your wife, nor do you want to, and you're telling us that your wife has trust issues that are on her and not your fault...BUT you've also admitted on TMB in another post that you're talking to this other woman behind your wife's back, that she's told you she isn't ok with this arrangement, and you've admitted to dishonesty and doing so in spite of your wife's request. How is that not cheating? How is that worthy of her trust? What do you think will honestly happen to your current marriage if you keep entertaining thoughts about this other woman? Do you think that God will bless a relationship that is outside the bounds of His Word and that started while you both were previously married?

God can redeem your second marriage that you "rushed into" and it can be a great thing if you'll both seek Him and pursue each other...but this other female "friend", she'll need to be out of the picture or your heart will never allow for the bonding to take place.
00807174
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Re: Hyperfocus Courtship and Decision Paralysis

Post by 00807174 »

I went 4 years without talking to this other girl and everyday her and her daughter have been I’m on my mind. I’ve prayed for them, I’ve prayed for my marriage. I’m not even saying I wasn’t to have a relationship ship with this other girl. Just friends.
David
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Re: Hyperfocus Courtship and Decision Paralysis

Post by David »

You admit that you married your second wife for the wrong reasons, and that she doesn't have your whole heart.

I'm guessing that your wife knows this, and that's why she doesn't trust you.
Carrying on with this other woman is, frankly, just confirming her suspicions.
You need to choose between them, and I recommend choosing the one you're married to.

It won't be easy to break all contact, but it must be done for the sake of your marriage.
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