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How do you handle your husband double taking other women when you're out.

What is lust? What isn't? How can I guard myself...
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LBD
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Re: How do you handle your husband double taking other women when you're out.

Post by LBD »

I don’t mind. It’s a loooong story and might not be appropriate here and now. And it might not even be helpful. But it does seem that you have hit upon something that should be the beginning of the path to peace. If he avoids all emotional interaction, then there is definitely a reason and it pre-dates you. Look there. My problem existed and were caused by things that happened decades before I ever met my DW. Likely the same at your house.  His lack of emotional vulnerability is where i would focus. It could be anger related, or lack of early emotional bonding, or overbearing parent/s. Could be other reasons. When you approach him about the ogling and he reacts with anger, p/a behavior or self deprecation,, that is the nerve you are hitting and why he reacts that way, IMO.
It is usually futile to try to talk facts and analysis to people who are enjoying a sense of moral superiority in their ignorance. -Thomas Sowell
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newwifenewlife
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Re: How do you handle your husband double taking other women when you're out.

Post by newwifenewlife »

And the fact he will at any cost avoid addressing this (anger, deflection, blame shifting, dismissing)..I am at a true loss.  We’ve not spoke since this happened.  His usual way of handling this  (as well as other emotionally uncomfortable situations)  is to avoid it until it goes away and act like nothing ever happened.  His emotional peace at all costs.

DOTMH - Sadly, I  do not believe this will NEVER go away until it is addressed by you coming along side him and helping him face it...and this is where the tough love comes from you acting like a dog on a bone about this. Could you say some thing like the following, "Babe, I love you so much that I will not let this go until this has been dealt with by you. I want your heart...and if you cannot give it to me, then we have a marriage issue that must be addressed because I want to be close to you. I want to respect you and I want to feel like I'm special and the only one you have eyes for." 

Then it'll probably mean some tough love boundaries (as mentioned in another post) to help him feel the pain of NOT addressing them because until the  "consequences" of NOT facing his issues are greater than the "consequences" of maintaining the status quo in the relationship, there is no incentive for him  to change. By allowing the consequences and boundaries of some one's actions (or really in this case inactions) to play out, it incentivizes the change by allowing them to face pain, one way or another.
DOTMH
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Re: How do you handle your husband double taking other women when you're out.

Post by DOTMH »

Newwifenewlife..I've tried this.  The "we have better things in store for us..we need to work at this, etc."  He always agrees.  He realizes how much it hurts me, always apologizing, but never repenting or trying to learn how...he doesn't value me and our oneness enough I guess.    I'm seriously contemplating cutting off sexual relations.  We've never had strong communication skills and any attempts to discuss this problem has only led to more problems.  Is a wife to just step around her husband this way?

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newwifenewlife
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Re: How do you handle your husband double taking other women when you're out.

Post by newwifenewlife »

DOTMH, if you’ve asked, then there definitely needs to be another step involved. If saying no to sex is the next step, I would encourage you to talk to a professional Christian counselor for support and direction. Withholding sex will create other issues and there needs to be a plan/support in place to give you AND more importantly, your husband a place to process and change.

Again, I’m not saying don’t, ‘cause it appears he doesn’t understand the gravity of the situation, I’m just saying to have a plan for an end and what that'll look like. Most people who start down this road of difficult boundaries or separation, don’t have a plan & support so they yield too early, caving to “bring the fam back together” before the issue (ie- porn, alcohol, adultery, abuse) is addressed and overcome because someone appears repentant; BUT there’s a BIG difference between true repentance and remorse, especially by a good manipulator. Remorse is feeling bad for the behavior, true repentance brings a change in behavior and willingness to do whatever is needed to make things right.  Also, a professional Christian counselor, should be able to help you see through games and give support until you reach your goal.

DOTMH, I'll pray for you as God brings you to mind that He'll direct your path and bring an incredible healing to your heart, your husband, and your marriage so that the best years are ahead of you.

sd595
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Re: How do you handle your husband double taking other women when you're out.

Post by sd595 »

DOTMH - I also agree that withholding sex is almost certainly going to create more problems for both of you.   I wish you were not having this struggle.  I think you hit something really important when you said above "he has to drive his own parked car.".  What you have is what you can do.  I think you have done the first thing you can do and that is to let him know how you feel.  I wish he had responded to that, but sometimes it takes time for something to sink into a husband (or men).  I get that this has been a long term issue, and I hope he does have it sink in.  So back to what you can do.  The first advice I have is let his flaw be more about him and his feelings than it is about how you perceive his feelings about you.  See yourself as a daughter of the Lord and keep your head held high in Jesus.  The second advice I have is that while you didn't choose this and it is not on you, you can continue to do all that you can to build your marriage where possible.  He doesn't sound like the type of husband who is approachable with a discussion about relational intimacy, but perhaps some relational intimacy can be found in doing things together that you can work on together.  I am praying for you both today.
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