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How do you handle your husband double taking other women when you're out.

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DOTMH
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How do you handle your husband double taking other women when you're out.

Post by DOTMH »

It's been an issue our entire marriage.  One he lied about (but I knew and could clearly see) for almost 20 years.  He finally confessed his struggle with lust.  We went to counseling, tried working on communication.  Now we've been married 31 years.  Communication is still not where I'd like it..we do get along better but we don't have transparent conversations.   I try and it always turns south.  He's unwilling or unable and always seems to make himself a scapegoat instead of trying to understand me.  Anyways, I'm just tired of being out in public with him seeing him double take other women and even try to elicit attention at times.  It's so degrading to me, feels so disrespectful, I don't want to be around him. :(
I am able to forgive him and let things go but if I bring it up about how I feel about it, WW3 comes from him then he defaults to the "I'm no good" .  This is not to mention that I don't feel like I'm the object of his sexual attention since I get no other attention from him.  It's all pretty sad.
olafthewise
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Re: How do you handle your husband double taking other women when you're out.

Post by olafthewise »

The book "for women only," is a good book that addresses this.

I feel that men need to train their eyes. First look is free, second is not.

The wife needs to try to be his eye candy as well.

I remember years ago a pastor who was young and married, went away on a mission trip with his young pretty wife. I am not enamored by pretty women, I see them and I can move on. So I saw this wife of his as so pretty. They left on this trip to Spain and as any mission couple I was so glad they were able to do this.

When they came home to visit, went to the podium and there was the same couple. It had been two years. He looked the same, she was "miss frumpy" Hair was plain, make-up gone, plain unattractive clothes. she wasn't ugly but she was definitely an example of what NOT to do as a wife making an effort to look pretty...and she could clean up good but looked pale and shodden.

My wife in her 50's can still turn heads and if she wears a slinky dress when we go out, I gotta get her to her seat quick.

So in conclusion; guys gotta try to keep your eyes on task and away from young ladies, women should make some effort to be attractive.
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Re: How do you handle your husband double taking other women when you're out.

Post by newwifenewlife »

CJ - this woman bared her soul, her pain and hurt and the best you got is to offer is no empathy, and instead, blame her (and other women for not taking care of themselves), step on a soapbox and give a lecture and story about men looking and how much women should take care of themselves better?

That’s just callous. How about not projecting your marriage, thoughts and/or experiences onto others and instead try to connect with the person in a post and emotionally understanding the heart of the person posting?

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Re: How do you handle your husband double taking other women when you're out.

Post by olafthewise »

Did you read my post? Perhaps you missed something/everything. I sense anger. In a world where sex is posted everywhere and internet porn has thousands of sites, men are surrounded by eye candy, deliberate and accidental eye candy.

Most men do not know how to handle a beautiful woman other than their wife. It is a brain stimulation for them. Women will NEVER understand this. You could tell a woman about it, but most women cannot experience the thoughts a man has when he sees a beautiful woman.

Here's another thought for you, men are visual creatures. Ever heard this? How about this; Most women are NOT drop dead gorgeous! Just like a person wearing red in a picture, the red stands out! Beautiful women stand out. If no one ever reveals this (that men are visual, need to manage it) to this particular man, he will never get it, nor will he try.

I assume he is 56 or so. I know of old men who like to look at beautiful women. Its just the way it is. If he has never cheated, never got into porn and always comes home to his wife, what's the problem? Get a new husband perhaps? The same thing will repeat itself. If my wife ever says, "I saw you look at her." I say, "well, she's pretty, so are you but your advantage is she is young, you are over 50 and still turn heads!" And yes this was a real statement between my wife and I.

What I'm NOT saying; I am not saying he is ok. I'm saying that if it bothers a wife so much, stop watching his gaze! If he ever talks about his flaws, mention this one. If he has a long list of flaws...why this post???

I am sorry if you are angry with me. It is not intentional that I belittle a wife's struggle or her disgust.
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Re: How do you handle your husband double taking other women when you're out.

Post by newwifenewlife »

I know of old men who like to look at beautiful women. Its just the way it is. If he has never cheated, never got into porn and always comes home to his wife, what’s the problem? ... I’m saying that if it bothers a wife so much, stop watching his gaze!

That’s the problem! A cavalier “boys will be boys” attitude so “stop having a problem with it” or else just ignore his wandering eye. Is that what Jesus would say? If Jesus were married, is that what He would do and how He would treat His wife?

How does that make a woman feel?  A wife feel about her worth? Her value and beauty to her husband if he’s constantly checking out other women?  The wives I know only want their husband to have eyes for them.

The original said “double-taking”, that means there is a conscious choice to look and stare down another women while she’s there, let alone what he does AND thinks when she isn’t. That hardly seems anywhere near honoring his wife in a Proverbs 5:18 and Song of Solomon kind of way.

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Re: How do you handle your husband double taking other women when you're out.

Post by sd595 »

There can be an extreme at both ends on this.  A wife cannot expect that her husband is not going to notice a beautiful woman either.  He is going to and he will enjoy the sight of beauty.  She will too if she is honest.  Everyone does if they are honest.  Maybe it was here many years ago but I remember an article about a guy whose wife taped over the bottom half of his glasses so he wouldn't see the backside of the women jogging in front of him.  Insane.  This would be an example of going too far.  It is not a personal affront to my wife that other beautiful women exist and it is also not a personal affront to her if I see one and it makes me feel good.  God put in me to find attractive women pretty, and it is the very same thing that drew me to my wife.  The enemy didn't make me think women are beautiful.  The enemy might cause someone want to steal what doesn't belong to them.  None of that means I should be doing a double take or staring or leering or flirting, but I am not going to run around living in fear and closing my eyes to the beauty I come across either.  These every man's battle guard your eyes at every moment guys are making it into an idol in my opinion - and I know - they would be better to pluck their eye out than to commit adultery - I do not dispute that.  What I dispute is the idea that finding any woman beautiful is the same thing as adultery.  It is bad when it goes too far in either direction.

With all this said, the OP's situation very much sounds way over the line.
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Re: How do you handle your husband double taking other women when you're out.

Post by olafthewise »

Well said sd595. I feel as if someone (above) is running for congress because the latest statement is a democrat platform comment. Much of which I NEVER said nor implied.

I would ask for an apology from this person...

Is there a proctor here that acts as referee or should we continue? I meant no harm, said my opinion and suddenly I'm misquoted which is exactly what liberals and non christians do!
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Re: How do you handle your husband double taking other women when you're out.

Post by SeekingChange »

@C. Joseph, maybe your intent is lost by your tone, but I have appreciated NWNL and he stepping up to be a defender and protector of his sisters here.  I have thought my thanks to him more than once over this past week, and have thought just as many times I should personally tell him, though I haven't.... so, I tell him now publicly, Thanks NWNL, you have been very honorable and it's been appreciated!

What comes across with your tone is when a sister is down, you kick.   There is truth to some of what you say, it would do wives well to know this, but there's a right time and place to teach that, and when someone is hurting and metaphorically on the ground curled up in a protective fetal position, that is not the time to hammer those truths in.  Let a girl stand and get to her feet first.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, to find comfort, to survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years... and then she did something new.
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Re: How do you handle your husband double taking other women when you're out.

Post by SeekingChange »

That does sound hard. It sounds like you have tried different ways to address it with no success.

First, have you prayed and sought the Lord on how the Spirit would lead you? Because I would not want to influence you in going against the Spirit's leading.

Second, it sounds like you may need to set some boundaries. Boundaries aren't about you changing or controlling another person, they are about how you will respond in certain situations. An example, when he does it, remove yourself from the situation. Don't sit there as he ogles, go back out to your car. It's not about punishing or manipulating, it's about not allowing another's chaos to upset your own peace and stability.

God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, to find comfort, to survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years... and then she did something new.
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Re: How do you handle your husband double taking other women when you're out.

Post by newwifenewlife »

I’m so sorry. I can only imagine the how disrespectful and humiliating that would feel. Every woman deserves and should feel like her husband only has eyes for her and she is enough for him. This is one of the problems why women feel so hurt and betrayed with a husband who uses porn. 

What SC said is great. I would add it sounds like he is remorseful (sorry he got caught); HOWEVER, he is not repentant (sorry enough to change his behavior so it doesn’t happen again). The problem I see is that he whines about how lowly “I’m not good” (my gut is to get your pity and mercy) BUT unwilling to address the underlying issue of in his life which is in turn, destroying your marriage. It probably feels like he’s looking at porn and having an “affair of the eyes” to you.

I’m not sure how far and deep this problem is of your husband. If you came to me asking for help and counsel, here’s some of things I’d share: 1)  setting a boundary like SC shared is critical. If you see this happen, you will go out to the car (maybe leave and he’d have to find his own way home); 2) as a Christian, you insist that he go to our pastor and confess and will need some accountability with other Christian men that you can approve, 3) we will go to a professional Christian counselor until you see intrinsic heart changes and a softening of his heart to his sin and how it’s hurting your and your marriage.

If those things won’t happen, then it’s probably time to take it to decide if you want to accept and live with this behavior and humiliation for the rest of your married life or take it to another level.  That level would be a separation designed to help him see what it will be like without you since he are unrepentant (remorse isn’t the same) and unwilling to change, I wouldn’t recommend that lightly because it’s a harder boundary than the first step above because it’s more ”permanent”. Again the purpose being to get him to see how serious & hurt you are about his wandering eyes. You don’t feel cherished or that he’s forsaking all others like your wedding vows said.

This shouldn’t be done lightly and it needs to be done with a plan for reconciliation over at least a 6-12 month period with regular evals to see if HE’s moving in the right direction because that timeline could be extended if you saw hope.  Because the next step is a lifetime separation or if you felt you had grounds for a Biblical divorce and God had given you permission and a peace after doing all you could to save & fight for your marriage by following these steps, a divorce. Most separations do not work because there isn’t a plan/path in place to reconciliation or the hurt spouse lets the person back in without any sign of intrinsic motivation AND an outward change in behavior which would demonstrate repentance, and not just remorse.

Thats how I would address him. Not to sound insensitive, but I also have to ask, what work and effort have you done to address you? Are there thing you need to deal personally or relationally that may have contributed to the marriage failing or getting on a crazy cycle and not breaking it? This should be done at the same time with counseling for you.  Again, this does not excuse his behavior or put the blame of his choices on you so please do not take it that way.

For instance, my wife allowed/enabled her ex to have multiple affairs without change over 15 yrs, especially since he has antisocial personality disorder. She also admits she contributed to her marriage’s demise by not showing him respect or caring over the years and allowing the emotional distance to increase and become kid-centric. It doesn’t excuse his infidelity but it didn’t help their marriage. Personally, being married again has also allowed me to see some things in me didn’t help my first marriage, it doesn’t  excuse or justify my ex’s infidelity and her filing for divorce when caught, it just means that there were some things I did which didn’t help her feel safe and address her inner demons and pain from earlier in life.

It’s late/early and I’m supposed to be sleeping so I hope my heart of love and concern was heard in this post.

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