Special Groups

We have sections you must join to use. You can see the full list here. Most you can join with a click. The medical and pastoral groups require approval.
Note, some groups were not accepting new members properly. That is fixed.

How do you handle your husband double taking other women when you're out.

What is lust? What isn't? How can I guard myself...
Forum rules
Post in this section can be seen by guests and search engines.
Wheat48
King bed
King bed
Posts: 299
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2021 9:00 am

Re: How do you handle your husband double taking other women when you're out.

Post by Wheat48 »

This is an excellent layout of how to address this.  This IS a serious issue and should not be passed off as "boys will be boys."  Your husband is allowing lust to  separate the two of you.  This is a fight for the intimacy and union that God wants for your marriage, which will not happen if he continues to do this.  He is defrauding you, just as much as a wife who would refuse to have sex with her husband is defrauding him of the intimacy and union God wants.  He is bringing others into the MB.

 

The answer is not you make yourself more attractive.  Many, many gorgeous women have husbands with porn issues.  This is about fully giving yourselves to each other.  It cannot happen if the husband is letting lust run free.  I'm not talking about a man's natural response to notice a beautiful woman; lust is different.

User avatar
SongOfAngels
California King
California King
Posts: 839
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2021 9:00 am

Re: How do you handle your husband double taking other women when you're out.

Post by SongOfAngels »

Wheat THANK YOU SO MUCH for pointing this out.

I understand a man wanting his wife to maintain her looks to the best of her ability (just like a wife appreciates that in her husband) HOWEVER i seethe when i see this applied to a woman hurting like this.

I can think of at least one marriage that i personally know of (i don't know many people!) that the husband left his beautiful well put together wife for a woman that was without question lesser in the looks department (how shallow to even notice that but yeah...that's what we're talking about when we compare women and the reason men "lust") it really does originate in the heart of the man.
olafthewise
King bed
King bed
Posts: 566
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2021 9:00 am
Location: S. Cal

Re: How do you handle your husband double taking other women when you're out.

Post by olafthewise »

you know what?  I never advocated for her to improve her looks! I assumed she is attractive. But in a few cases, some wives don't even try. Other watch every look their husband makes toward a beautiful woman. I was in Tahiti in 2002 and a young couple was close to our spot and yes she was topless and my wife did see me look toward her. I said yes to the look but I also said that the ridiculous contention that I would...what...run away with her? take her picture perhaps? or just make greater attempts to sit closer to their spot on the beach maybe?

Comon guys??? Get real!! I was in Tahiti!!. Some chic was going around topless and we headed out to our own destination and the girl in question was NOT mentioned nor thought about. I had a great time with my wife alone.

Or...

what do you want? Me punished because I looked at a girl who took her top off???

Or staring at a certain server girl in a restaurant? Girl at church? (comon! many church girls for whatever reason, wear short skirts all the time.)

So, in conclusion, women can all get together and ostracize the men for looking at beautiful women! You all got the support!

My wife is looked at all the time. My neighbor (he goes to my church) 2 houses down will bring mixed drinks over to my wife on an occasional basis. He and many others comment on my wife's beauty all the time and she is in her 50's!

Once again....I am NOT, NOT, NOT saying its ok to look at all the beautiful young girls. But get a grip!!

switch sides now...

Women many times say great and wonderful things about the pastor. "he's a great man," "He's a pure guy," "He really is good at teaching." Women are attracted to leadership! My pastor is ridiculous. But my wife raves about how incredible he is. I say nothing because it's stupid. Women are drawn to masculine men and leaders. Should we as men complain about the pathetic men our wives are drawn to, let alone my pathetic self?

I think not.
User avatar
Link+Zelda
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 2086
Joined: Sun Dec 20, 2020 6:16 pm
Location: North America

Re: How do you handle your husband double taking other women when you're out.

Post by Link+Zelda »

Both SC and NWNL did a better job than I can do on this.

I can only add that I'm so sorry to hear he is doing this. There's a biological "reflex" to notice for the first few seconds, but everything after that is a choice. I had trouble with looking/lusting when I had my porn problem, though it's now far easier to avoid since confessing and gutting the porn addiction. Does your husband have a porn problem? Often times, this lusting issue happens as one of a broader range of problems, and the root problem is what really needs addressed, even if it's not related to porn.

Also "making yourself more attractive" might work for some, but I doubt that'll completely fix things (at best he'd stop when you were there, but he needs to stop all the time). This is a heart issue for him.

-Scott
-Link+Zelda
DOTMH
Cot
Cot
Posts: 5
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2021 9:00 am

Re: How do you handle your husband double taking other women when you're out.

Post by DOTMH »

CJ thank you for trying to understand. Your comment would be similar if I recommended a husband grow   his penis a  couple of inches, grow stiffer, become buff at age 60 and last longer in bed so he could really please his wife in order to make her happy. No doubt you’d try I’m sure. You missed the mark on the relationship aspect of my post. The fact that he looked doesn’t bother me because I understand the male response. It’s the fact that I’ve expressed how it makes me feel and he chooses to not attempt to honor me, shuts me down, and uses anger to deflect any responsibility in our marriage for it. Again, I appreciate your attempt to convey a “fix”.

DOTMH
Cot
Cot
Posts: 5
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2021 9:00 am

Re: How do you handle your husband double taking other women when you're out.

Post by DOTMH »

To others who shared helpful suggestions, I thank you. I am reading and praying over the suggestions and will ask more questions if I need to. Thank you again for your willingness to take time to respond. It is greatly appreciated.
Slipthegrasp
King bed
King bed
Posts: 526
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2021 9:00 am

Re: How do you handle your husband double taking other women when you're out.

Post by Slipthegrasp »

Old habits die hard.  Giving him the opportunity to grow through it is essential to one avenue of success.  I was once at a couples retreat and the leader's wife out of the blue said that the thing that irritated her more than anything was her husband looking at other women.  He immediately denied that this was his practice.  I suppose it would have been good if she had talked it over with him first before declaring to the group her husband's flaws.  I am sure it really frustrated her, but that is not the way to correct the situation.

A husband can learn to not offend his wife and stay pure in this regard.  He just needs the right incentive.  It could be a threat I suppose, where "the pain of changing is less than the pain for remaining the same. "  On the other hand, it could be the incentive to do the right thing that offers him a reward to make the changes permanently.
LBD
On the floor
On the floor
Posts: 1503
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2021 9:00 am
Location: Heart of Dixie

Re: How do you handle your husband double taking other women when you're out.

Post by LBD »

"WW3 comes from him then he defaults to the “I’m no good” ."  I assume this him referring to himself, or is he referring to you?

As I read this, I could see the lust situation. But it really only sounds like a symptom of something much deeper. I say that because I have struggled with such things and still have to be vigilant. Every man does really. But, again, it is a surface thing if it is just the "old wandering eye." With the way you describe things playing out between you, it is deeper. There are so many things I think about that I have seen in my own marriage and in friends and family that could be at play. Habits like this form for a reason. There is always a payoff or a relief that they are addressing. Maybe it is valid, maybe it is not. But it is there. I would suggest to you to look behind the behavior and seek to gain some understanding to the reason that the habit is there. And I would say to disregard the obvious: 1. there is an attractive female close by and 2. your husband must want to have sex with her.  You will likely be chasing the wrong devil if you only see those.

You have shared with him how it makes you feel already. He responds with anger.   I can't count how many times I saw that in my own FOO. And then I have been the one that has used the "I'm no good" defense. That is really an attack and we all know it. But it also reveals something that can be useful information if you think he is at least somewhat sincere in his words. I was somewhat sincere in that I truly did feel like I was broken, I was damaged and had no power to change myself in the ways I was acting (my problem was porn - not that much different). So I lashed out. It's what we do. "Let me make you feel bad so I don't have to feel so bad about myself." Crazy and foolish I know, but, its what we do. And we do not realize how ineffective and counterproductive it is. It drives us farther and farther away from what we really want.

Look, I am not in any way trying to defend your husband's insensitive, selfish, likely very sin oriented actions. They are probably inexcusable, as mine have been. But there is almost always a reason behind them. And unless you can help him get to that reason and address it, you could be doing just as he may be doing - addressing the wrong demon in the wrong way and in fact be empowering the one that has control now. You may be at a point where you have to take drastic measures. All we know is what you write here. Just be careful. Slipthegrasp hit upon it well in that to form a new habit, people need a reason, just like they had a reason to form the old/bad habit. If you just attack the old habit, they will just defend themselves instead. They also need a reason to break the old that makes sense and offers a reward. They have to want to. We all, ALWAYS, only do what we want to do- even if it is the lesser of two evils. We chose the one that is less painful. I don't "want" to go to work, but living on the street would be more painful. I want to look at porn, but doing so costs me more than it pays off. I have changed the reason/reward, and that changed the habit. You can't just look at the action alone....

It is usually futile to try to talk facts and analysis to people who are enjoying a sense of moral superiority in their ignorance. -Thomas Sowell
::dog
User avatar
SeekingChange
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 4709
Joined: Sun Dec 20, 2020 8:45 pm
Location: All I know is I'm not home yet

Re: How do you handle your husband double taking other women when you're out.

Post by SeekingChange »

This is good advice... AND this can be done behind that boundary line.  This is where those boundaries are important, because being drawn into someone else's chaos and craziness, leaves very little room for this kind of thinking and digging.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, to find comfort, to survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years... and then she did something new.
DOTMH
Cot
Cot
Posts: 5
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2021 9:00 am

Re: How do you handle your husband double taking other women when you're out.

Post by DOTMH »

LBD:
Thank you for your thoughtful comment.  We've discussed "empty heart" issues, the need to renew the mind in the right direction (Romans 12:2), things that I have found helpful in my own walk..true answers.  But here's the thing..I can't do that for him.  I can only share what blesses and helps me..he has to drive his own parked car.  From what I can tell, it's his own lack of personal desire for truth and intimacy with GOD.  Things every believer has to overcome.  He has shared with me his own struggles with feeling ashamed and not wanting to hurt me, but he doesn't make the effort needed to be in the "pursing overcoming" mode.  I pray for him, encourage what efforts he does makes, engage, show him love in multiple ways (the love languages),, respect him.  It's like he wants to love (at times it seems use) my body and mind, but not my heart...not interested in that part.  And the fact he will at any cost avoid addressing this (anger, deflection, blame shifting, dismissing)..I am at a true loss.  We've not spoke since this happened.  His usual way of handling this  (as well as other emotionally uncomfortable situations)  is to avoid it until it goes away and act like nothing ever happened.  His emotional peace at all costs.

Still praying how to proceed in a meaningful way with this.

BTW, LBD, are you able to share what your reasons behind your issues were?  Were you able to resolve or gain insight to them?

Post Reply

Return to “Lust & Immodesty”