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Dating books

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WirelessRouter
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Dating books

Post by WirelessRouter »

Alright, fam, I'm sitting here tonight listening to a favorite musical album, and I just discovered Henry Cloud wrote a book about dating called How to Get a Date Worth Keeping that's reportedly the polar opposite of I Kissed Dating Goodbye. In the Amazon reviews for Cloud's book, someone recommended The Sacred Search by Gary Thomas as an alternative. Now I'm wondering if anyone here has read any or all of How to Get a Date Worth Keeping, The Sacred Search, and True Love Dates by Debra Fileta and can recommend one to me over the others? Or do I just have to go spend like $50 on Amazon and report back for the benefit of future members?
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Re: Dating books

Post by SLS »

All I can really recommend in terms of dating books is what to stay away from. The books I got growing up were "I Kissed Dating Goodbye", "Boy Meets Girl", and a number of other purity culture fare that put an extreme emphasis on rigid "courtship" rather than dating.

All such books should be avoided like the plague. It was only by the grace of God that I was able to actually enter a real relationship and get married with those books as my foundational knowledge.

DW and I have read other books (Boundaries) by Henry Cloud and John Townsend and we have found them to be well balanced and helpful.
Happily married to Serafina for 6.75 years. She is my Venus. ::luv2
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WirelessRouter
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Re: Dating books

Post by WirelessRouter »

SLS wrote: Mon Feb 08, 2021 9:36 pm All I can really recommend in terms of dating books is what to stay away from. The books I got growing up were "I Kissed Dating Goodbye", "Boy Meets Girl", and a number of other purity culture fare that put an extreme emphasis on rigid "courtship" rather than dating.

All such books should be avoided like the plague. It was only by the grace of God that I was able to actually enter a real relationship and get married with those books as my foundational knowledge.
Ya know, this is a little off topic, but I've read I Kissed Dating Goodbye more than five times, and I honestly don't get the hate people have for it. I saw his book as being about how emotionally intimate, exclusive, romantic relationships without any consideration or even possibility of marriage can only lead to heartbreak as the best outcome. This was actually an enormously helpful thing to read when I had a MASSIVE thing for a girl at ages 14-16 because it kept me from pursuing romance with her (which would NOT have gone well), and because it likely helped me let my feelings go when I realized she was not someone I should marry. (She's a great woman, just not for me. I'm certain her husband is awfully happy to have her.) I didn't see much if any of the rigid rules people attribute to that book, so it's always seemed to me the negative consequences of IKDGB were more from peoples' already existing legalistic tendencies rather than the book itself.
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SeekingChange
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Re: Dating books

Post by SeekingChange »

WirelessRouter wrote: Mon Feb 08, 2021 10:51 pm I didn't see much if any of the rigid rules people attribute to that book, so it's always seemed to me the negative consequences of IKDGB were more from peoples' already existing legalistic tendencies rather than the book itself.
Very interesting perspective! I haven't read the book, it came out after I was married but before my kids hit that age, so it's a book that's never been read in our house, and I can't give any opinion on it (though now I have more interest in reading it than I ever have, just to see what it says.) But your comment made me think of other books that have been popular among Christian circles that have come under attack in the blogging community. My perspective has been similar with those....it's not the message itself where the issue lies, it's often the reader and how they interpret it.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, to find comfort, to survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years... and then she did something new.
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Re: Dating books

Post by newwifenewlife »

WirelessRouter wrote: Mon Feb 08, 2021 7:51 pm Alright, fam, I'm sitting here tonight listening to a favorite musical album, and I just discovered Henry Cloud wrote a book about dating called How to Get a Date Worth Keeping that's reportedly the polar opposite of I Kissed Dating Goodbye. In the Amazon reviews for Cloud's book, someone recommended The Sacred Search by Gary Thomas as an alternative. Now I'm wondering if anyone here has read any or all of How to Get a Date Worth Keeping, The Sacred Search, and True Love Dates by Debra Fileta and can recommend one to me over the others? Or do I just have to go spend like $50 on Amazon and report back for the benefit of future members?
I read HOW TO FIND A DATE WORTH KEEPING by Cloud when I was single after my divorce. I would recommend it. It challenged my thinking about dating and the purpose of it. I would add that you need to be solid in your faith and purpose because Cloud pushed back hard on certain things to make me think.

THE RIGHT ONE: how to successfully date and marry the right person by Jimmy Evans. Excellent!!!

Also, I highly recommend listening to Andy Stanley's podcast messages on dating, he has several awesome message series on dating and marriage and he always addresses singles in his marriage series as he speaks. Great series AND book, THE NEW RULES FOR LOVE, SEX AND DATING. A lot of wisdom in his books on choices, decisions, regrets, etc.

BOUNDARIES IN DATING by Cloud & Townsend.

An old book that my DW wanted to read while we were dating was TOO CLOSE TOO SOON: avoiding the heartache of premature intimacy by Jim Talley. It was good!
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Re: Dating books

Post by SLS »

WirelessRouter wrote: Mon Feb 08, 2021 10:51 pmYa know, this is a little off topic, but I've read I Kissed Dating Goodbye more than five times, and I honestly don't get the hate people have for it. I saw his book as being about how emotionally intimate, exclusive, romantic relationships without any consideration or even possibility of marriage can only lead to heartbreak as the best outcome.
When I was a teen I read it religiously too. The point that exclusive romantic relationships should have the end goal of determining whether or not you should marry the person is correct. The way Harris and others went about putting that idea into practice however was dead wrong. Worshiping God with all our heart and all our soul and all our strength is also the correct teaching. Some people though thought that beating themselves was fulfilling that command. How the teaching is put into practice matters.

The outline proposed by Harris and others created so much pressure at the initial stages of the relationship. You couldn't "date" you had to "court". Asking someone out on a date was tantamount to a "pre-engagement". You almost had to be sure you wanted to marry a person before even going to dinner. Trying to follow Harris et. al.'s formula created a great strain on my relationship with DW. Fortunately God was gracious and gave me a brain so I could reject the teachings that were clearly incorrect.

The way my grandparents dated, not Victorian courtship, is the way to go IMHO. They didn't pay any mind if Sue went on a date with Bill one day and Tom the other. They just hung out and enjoyed themselves. My grandfather literally met my grandmother when they were on a double date with other partners. Sure, they had exclusive relationships too ("going steady") but mostly those relationships were based on getting to know the person in a more casual way beforehand. The "courtship" mentality turned that on its head. Now you had to know everything about somebody before you even "called on them".

David French wrote a great article that really summarizes my feelings on the subject. Particularly the following quote talking about how "purity culture" erased the redemptive nature of Christ:

Whither Evangelical Purity Culture? Thoughts on the Legacy of a Lost Pastor
David French wrote:It worked like this — sexual sin stained young persons, even if Christ forgave them. They would walk into marriage diminished in some crucial ways. The white dress, fundamentally, was a lie. And the message wasn’t confined to sexuality. Did you drink? Did you smoke a joint? Each one of those things altered a person’s self-definition. They were no longer “pure.” They could never be “pure” again
Harris remains me of St. Augustine. Both wanted an alternative to hedonism and sexual immorality. Both swung back so far in the opposite direction that they missed what God's truth actually was for marriage and sex. Unfortunately, unlike Augustine, Harris has now walked away from Christ.
Happily married to Serafina for 6.75 years. She is my Venus. ::luv2
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