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The playing field today

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Duchess
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Re: The playing field today

Post by Duchess »

PaulB wrote: Sat Jan 23, 2021 10:17 am He said he didn't want to have more dates with someone he knew he was not going to marry.
I was given advice similar to this when I was young (Never date anyone you wouldn't marry.) I've always thought it was a good way to weed out obvious bad choices, especially if you take seriously the command to not be unequally yoked.

Of course, sometimes you have to spend time with someone to figure out whether they are marriageable or not. If the girls in this group--I may have missed something, but I can't tell if this is a church group or a college group?--are funny about dates, perhaps your son could invite them to do other things with him. "Hey Sally, I heard you talking about that [insert some project or skill the girl has mentioned] and I would like to [do something in the same line for some kind and generous (and genuine!!) purpose] and wondered if you could [teach me/help me/show me the best way/get me started/etc.]?" Worst case scenario he learns a new skill and does something useful/nice for someone else.
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newwifenewlife
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Re: The playing field today

Post by newwifenewlife »

Duchess wrote: Sun Jan 24, 2021 1:51 pm
PaulB wrote: Sat Jan 23, 2021 10:17 am He said he didn't want to have more dates with someone he knew he was not going to marry.
I was given advice similar to this when I was young (Never date anyone you wouldn't marry.) I've always thought it was a good way to weed out obvious bad choices, especially if you take seriously the command to not be unequally yoked.

Of course, sometimes you have to spend time with someone to figure out whether they are marriageable or not. If the girls in this group--I may have missed something, but I can't tell if this is a church group or a college group?--are funny about dates, perhaps your son could invite them to do other things with him. "Hey Sally, I heard you talking about that [insert some project or skill the girl has mentioned] and I would like to [do something in the same line for some kind and generous (and genuine!!) purpose] and wondered if you could [teach me/help me/show me the best way/get me started/etc.]?" Worst case scenario he learns a new skill and does something useful/nice for someone else.
Dad always said, “Every date is a potential mate so choose wisely”. On the other hand, I read a Christian author that pushed back on that a little and challenged the reader to go on a date and have fun, learn about the person, be a blessing to them for that time. The issue is, is the person who is dating, do they have the character and knowledge of themselves to handle someone they end up in the company with that has different beliefs and less than stellar character? Go out and have fun...but be mature enough to know what you’re dealing with and realize that if you give ones heart to someone, move too close too soon, it’s harder to pull out, especially when couples engage physically. For those reasons, I’ve always encouraged my kids to do things in groups, to guard their heart early, and look at one’s character and heart for Jesus.
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Re: The playing field today

Post by LBD »

Duchess wrote: Sun Jan 24, 2021 1:51 pm I can't tell if this is a church group or a college group?
It is a college ministry. The (insert school name) Christian Student Center, affiliated with the local congregation of the church. It is the largest such entity in the US last I heard. It's really a good group and they both have had a great time participating. I think my son is a little disenchanted because he is about to graduate and knows his selection pool is about to be severely limited.

....and I wouldn't mind some grandkids before I get to old to enjoy them. ::rofl
It is usually futile to try to talk facts and analysis to people who are enjoying a sense of moral superiority in their ignorance. -Thomas Sowell
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Re: The playing field today

Post by PaulB »

Duchess wrote: Sun Jan 24, 2021 1:51 pmOf course, sometimes you have to spend time with someone to figure out whether they are marriageable or not.
Very true.

By the time my son was dating he had a pretty good idea who he was and what he wanted. That, and he had learned to ask good questions.
Happily married for 36 years and living the good life near two of our grandsons!

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Re: The playing field today

Post by MrEden »

Dutchess wrote:I was given advice similar to this when I was young (Never date anyone you wouldn't marry.) I've always thought it was a good way to weed out obvious bad choices, especially if you take seriously the command to not be unequally yoked.

Of course, sometimes you have to spend time with someone to figure out whether they are marriageable or not.
newwifenewlife wrote:Dad always said, “Every date is a potential mate so choose wisely”. On the other hand, I read a Christian author that pushed back on that a little and challenged the reader to go on a date and have fun, learn about the person, be a blessing to them for that time.
Dating, especially early on, is not so much about finding a spouse as making friends and learning about yourself. That said, me and my children never dated a smoker or non-Christian. Aside from that, pretty much anyone was a go.
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Re: The playing field today

Post by MrMarried »

LBD wrote: Thu Jan 21, 2021 1:52 pm No, I'm not dating again... :lol: but my children are. And there are many difficulties being encountered. My son shared one with me just the other day that really floored me. When I shared it with my BFF/Preacher, he recounted that he had seen the same in his Christian college days. I'll do my best to explain:

It seems there is an overriding "theme" of virtuousness (which is not bad in principle) that overshadows every interaction between opposite sex members of the school's church group. What this amounts to is the efforts in "spirituality and virtue" keeps anybody you may deem as a marriagable prospect at arm's length. So much so that dating has virtually become impossible and just doesn't happen within that group. It seems they all want to "be spiritual" and dating does not figure into that. They concentrate on being "friends" first and only, and are afraid that any other interaction will tarnish the spiritual. What this means is, sadly, my son has had far more "luck" getting dates from the general college pool, even via Tender and Bumble, than he has within a group of females in the church. He has gotten inside information from his sister, who is part of this group, that several of them find him attractive and a "good guy", but when he has asked those very ones out, he got a run-around. So much so that he has pretty much stopped being part of the group altogether.

I understand that romantic engagements can cause fractures in a small group, particularly if they go bad. But where else should these young people be looking for their mates than within their church peers? That's where I want my children looking first. Not that it is required, or that they can't find good mates otherwise, but .....come on man! :lol:
My daughter is having similar difficulties, and she is having no luck changing the dynamic within her girl group either. She agrees - "it's stupid!"

"Dating" in general has changed, and not for the better in my opinion. It seems the young people of this day and time do not understand that you can go our for dinner just to get to know someone and it does not mean you are then "exclusive." You can actually go out with several different people in a few weeks time and NOT be a "player" or a horse's tail. I seriously am concerned for what marriages will be like in 20 years.
Maybe a mature leader could address the issue and encourage young people who are of marrying age to try to find spouses in the church if they find anyone suitable. Parents could also get involved to match children up. The Bible does say (in the context of Judeans going into captivity) to find wives for your sons and husbands for your daughters.
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Re: The playing field today

Post by Irnmyk »

MrMarried wrote: Thu Apr 15, 2021 11:07 pm Parents could also get involved to match children up. The Bible does say (in the context of Judeans going into captivity) to find wives for your sons and husbands for your daughters.
Now I believe in parallel Universes. What Universe is @MrMarried living in?

Or.... does this site really need a "tongue-in-cheek" emoji?
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Re: The playing field today

Post by MrMarried »

Irnmyk wrote: Fri Apr 16, 2021 5:42 am
MrMarried wrote: Thu Apr 15, 2021 11:07 pm Parents could also get involved to match children up. The Bible does say (in the context of Judeans going into captivity) to find wives for your sons and husbands for your daughters.
Now I believe in parallel Universes. What Universe is @MrMarried living in?

Or.... does this site really need a "tongue-in-cheek" emoji?
I'm pretty sure I live in your universe. But we have a very messed up culture in the west when it comes to dating and sexuality, and Christians need to re-evaluate the extent to which we want to follow the dominant cultural norms. People in our culture generally thinks it odd if a couple that has been dating exclusively does not have sex. A father allowing his 15-year old daughter to drive around in the dark of night alone in a car with a hormone-laden 16-year-old is considered normal.

I spent much of my adult life in Asia. Western dating has affected some of those countries, but in the places I lived in, parents might get involved if their children did not find a couple through their version of dating.
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