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Should I leave my boyfriend, both Christians but he doesn't lead us spiritually and it worries me as I have to lay down all the boundaries.

What about headship and submission? Unsaved spouse? Other marriage roles.
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HelloValerie
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Should I leave my boyfriend, both Christians but he doesn't lead us spiritually and it worries me as I have to lay down all the boundaries.

Post by HelloValerie »

Hey. My boyfriend and I have done everything sexual apart from intercourse. Feeling convicted about it, I stopped it and he agreed but the more we draw closer to marriage, the more I feel like I'll have to head the spiritual part of our relationship because he doesn't want to seek accountability or any form of discipleship. We love each other but I really want a man who can lead me and my future family in this area. I'm really torn on how best to proceed. Not for lack of trying to break it off, because I have, but he begged saying he was already working on it and I was being unfairly impatient with him. Unfortunately, months down the line, I see no change. At all. Is it selfish of me to then just let him go as I'm getting older and would like to start a family but with a Godly man. Ps. He is a Christian but it doesn't seem to reflect in his lifestyle save for being kind and caring for everyone, even to me. 

SecondMarge
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Re: Should I leave my boyfriend, both Christians but he doesn't lead us spiritually and it worries me as I have to lay down all the boundaries.

Post by SecondMarge »

being kind and caring for everyone, even to me

And you are complaining? That is all that Jesus asks from us.
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Re: Should I leave my boyfriend, both Christians but he doesn't lead us spiritually and it worries me as I have to lay down all the boundaries.

Post by Duchess »

Actually, it is not. He requires that we accept Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior and live wholeheartedly for Him, walking with him daily, and sharing the Gospel of salvation with the lost.
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Re: Should I leave my boyfriend, both Christians but he doesn't lead us spiritually and it worries me as I have to lay down all the boundaries.

Post by SeekingChange »

If you are feeling this doubt and uncertainty now, I would say yes, break it off.  If the Spirit is in you, as you say, have you sought to discern if these doubts and the prompt to break up, are actually from Him, trying to guide you down your best path?    Things only get harder in marriage, and our worst comes out.  If this man is the one God plans for you to marry, you will see a real change in him, while apart, and you'll return to each other.

I have always said and believe, the only one who knows the heart of man is God.  When seeking a spouse, we need to seek Him and listen to Him, because He will reveal the heart of the other.  He can expose those who claim Him by name but deny Him in their life....we just need eyes to see, ears to hear, and hearts to obey.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, to find comfort, to survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years... and then she did something new.
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Re: Should I leave my boyfriend, both Christians but he doesn't lead us spiritually and it worries me as I have to lay down all the boundaries.

Post by David »

Is there someone in your church that you can speak to about this? Preferably an older, wiser woman who knows you both. It sounds to me that he's not the godly husband that you're looking for, and it would be foolish to marry him, but I don't know either of you and only have your post above to go on.
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Re: Should I leave my boyfriend, both Christians but he doesn't lead us spiritually and it worries me as I have to lay down all the boundaries.

Post by SecondMarge »

Sounds to me you have doubts about your own path. You like the path he has led you but fear it's wrong.  Very unlikely you can change him or he changes himself. Most likely you need to take a more realistic view of how life works or find someone that has your exact beliefs.  Good luck with that. If you can not compromise now, it will get more difficult as the years go by. People always think its the other person causing the problem because they are afraid that the problem lies with in themselves.
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Re: Should I leave my boyfriend, both Christians but he doesn't lead us spiritually and it worries me as I have to lay down all the boundaries.

Post by DoveGrey »

I agree with David. It's tough for us to give you advice here because we don't really know your situation. The best thing to do is to talk with godly people about it, and even ask to speak to your pastor and his wife if you can.

I have three concerns that are red flags for me because of a past engagement. I am biased as a result, so be aware of that. First, you say you've already tried to break it off. There's a reason for that. If you're happy in your situation, why would you try to end it? It's an honest question that should give you pause for thought.

Second, your language twice indicates you're also seeing red flags. "We love each other, but...." More concerning is "He's a Christian, but.... " Those two statements alone indicate that you are not ready to take this relationship to marriage. Marriage doesn't fix problems that were there before. I'm many cases, it makes the problems more challenging to overcome.

Third, you're concerned enough that you brought these concerns to a group of strangers to help you decide. When entering marriage, we need to know our own minds well enough that we can make the decision that is best for us. If questions as serious as these arise, I believe it's best to take a step back and reevaluate. Marriage is supposed to be until death. Lord willing, that's a long time to be living with someone about whom you had doubts in the first place.

It's not selfish to want the kind of marriage that God intends you to have. It's being obedient. I recommend going to the index of your Bible and looking up every verse that God wrote about marriage. Ask yourself if what you're entering into is following His plan. And again, talk with your pastor about this.

I am praying that you will be able to make a decision based on wise counsel that will allow your life to bring the most glory to God.
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Re: Should I leave my boyfriend, both Christians but he doesn't lead us spiritually and it worries me as I have to lay down all the boundaries.

Post by Slipthegrasp »

You have identified significant spiritual issues with your relationship.  You have put on the brakes, good for the both of you.  You are asking yourself what more is there that will affect our marriage?   Is it right in God's eyes and can I live with it?  That is a great place to be in evaluating the future with a man who would be in your vows to be made, a husband for life.

I would say that plenty of men and women, even on this forum and been sexually active before marriage.  That is no example however to follow.  But it does say that God gives grace.  However, it would be presumptuous to assume that God's grace to your marriage would exist with the red flags of warning are up telling you to stop.  You cannot live out of presumption, it will end tragically.

Have you asked others how they feel about him, your friends, family, church, pastoral staff?  Have you considered how he will react to tithing, witnessing, prayer, Bible study/personal growth, Sunday church services, eventual devotions with your children, leading the children and building disciples that will follow Christ?

Seek counsel, accountability, a prayer partner, someone who be your friend through this.

 

 
sd595
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Re: Should I leave my boyfriend, both Christians but he doesn't lead us spiritually and it worries me as I have to lay down all the boundaries.

Post by sd595 »

The engagement period is a tough time for a couple.  I agree with everyone who says that if you are not sure, then that is a big warning flag.  I would advise that you try to discern his heart overall - is it just in this one area that he is struggling to do what is right, or is it in many areas?  When you said that "it doesn't reflect in is lifestyle", again do you mean this one area or in many areas?

Let me give two examples.

Example A - He says he is a Christian, but nothing else in his life really aligns to what God says.  He shows up at church, but you don't see him submitting his will to Jesus in any area of his life.  He does his own will with no concern to what God wishes him to do.  People pleaser's can be kind to others, but they will not do what is right when it is hard.

Example B - You see him make effort to do what God wishes him to do in most areas of his life, but he struggles in some areas.  This sounds much more like a man with a real relationship with Jesus who is being sanctified like we all are.

If he falls into example A, break it off and know it was the right thing to do.

If he falls into example B, then you have to ask yourself, are the areas he struggles a long term struggle that I can deal with as he is being sanctified?  In the case of him keeping his hands off, that will be solved by marriage.  In the case of other things, you would be wise to expect that he may and will struggle with those things, and you will be along for the ride as his wife.  Is that workable?  Is that not workable?  That decides it for example B.

Pray for discernment!
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Re: Should I leave my boyfriend, both Christians but he doesn't lead us spiritually and it worries me as I have to lay down all the boundaries.

Post by Oldbear »

Well laid out and articulated, @sd595. @HelloValerie, marriage has its ups and downs. It’s vitally important to enter into marriage with mutual commitment and confidence that Jesus is Lord and Lord of each your lives.
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