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You’re not alone...say hi

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newwifenewlife
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You’re not alone...say hi

Post by newwifenewlife »

Hey there. If you're in a blending family situation. I want to say "hi" and welcome. I'd love to hear your story, how far into the journey you are, and how you're weathering the process.

DW & I will be married four years this year. We both came from previous marriages of 15 or more years. While our stories are a little different, we both had spouses that decided they wanted to give and receive love with someone other than than us so they refused to change their ways and walked away from their families. Due to our age differences, I had three sons who were out of the house when we married but DW came with two (preteen & early teen) daughters. (Yes, it has been quite the shock of hormones in my house.)

I'd been divorced for 10 years when we remarried whereas DW had only been about 15 months after her divorce was final. Foolishly, we thought my ex wouldn't be a problem after so many years compared to her disengaged ex (who finally stepped up this year to be a Disneyland Dad). We were wrong!!! Apparently, my ex was fine if I was single but once that changed, things got pretty ugly and hard boundaries along with conversations I never had with my adult sons had to occur. (This all happened too as she was getting divorced for the 2nd time as we married.)

People don't realize how difficult blending a family is and the separate & different inner turmoil bio parents and step parents feel. Statistics say the critical marks for a blending family marriage is the 1, 3 & 7 year marks. If you can make seven years, you'll finally reach the "honeymoon" stage for a blending marriage and family. A friend of mine who when through her divorce when I did but is 10 yrs into her new marriage & blending family journey said, "That's true. By the time you get through seven years, you realize & understand most of the ghosts of your past and realize that your spouse is trustworthy and not like your previous spouse."

What's your story? How has the blending process gone? What has been helpful?
olafthewise
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Re: You’re not alone...say hi

Post by olafthewise »

I am back. Lotsa good reading here. Glad folks are, ya know, having fun.
Things are not good here.
Lockdown has damaged us, our kids and our marriage.
I need help but not sure what to ask without getting the wrong reaction.
I'm really serious.
My wife makes many false accusations of me.
anybody ever heard of this?
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PaulB
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Re: You’re not alone...say hi

Post by PaulB »

olafthewise wrote: Sat Feb 06, 2021 11:21 pm My wife makes many false accusations of me.
anybody ever heard of this?
What do you mean by false accusations?
Happily married for 36 years and living the good life near two of our grandsons!

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olafthewise
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Re: You’re not alone...say hi

Post by olafthewise »

Clarify;
she says I am mean and need to speak nice to her. example: on way to church today (6 kids in van), she says turn here...here!...here!! why don't you ever listen to me?! I said, "I was in the other lane and you said turn when I was next to the driveway, why do you talk to me like that? its just a turn, I can get there. she says, "You need to be nice to me, your'e not nice."
I say, "I don't have to be nice, but what does my response have to do with anything?"
I get out of the van as the scolded husband, I stay quiet because I might be accused of being mean again.

2 days ago accused me of being mean to our special needs son who is 17 but cognitively is 6 or 7. He cannot cook by himself (has been known to almost start fires in kitchen) but my mention of it is mean and cruel to him and he is hurt, she says. (he was smiling during this)
I said she was being disrespectful and she says I am being disrespectful to her and this narrative was repeated 4 times.
she claims "high ground" on all emotional issues in the house. I cannot have an opinion since I was raised in a house with an unemotional dad. (he was highly successful and married to my mom until death last year)
If I want to have an opinion on emotional things, she says I am mean. If I protest in any way, she says I am not nice to her. If I speak softly to my downs syndrome child (she is cognitively 3 but is 21yrs old) in an effort to coax her to not scratch or bite me during meals, my wife says that I treat her better than I treat my wife.

I hope you get this.
She has some crazy beliefs of things. her false accusations are so pervasive that she will cry over them even though I have witnesses in the house to the contrary.
is this common. we been married 35yrs. 11 kids adopted and natural.
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DoveGrey
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Re: You’re not alone...say hi

Post by DoveGrey »

My goodness, you lead a busy life. I so admire any parent of a special needs child. It isn't easy. I wonder if your wife is overwhelmed and is acting out her frustrations on you.

How much of a break do you get? You are both in a caregiver situation, and caregivers need time to themselves for sanity's sake.

I'm sure others have advice, but that's the question that pops into my mind when I read your situation. Prolonged stress can certainly cause someone to behave in ways that they might otherwise choose.
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PaulB
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Re: You’re not alone...say hi

Post by PaulB »

olafthewise wrote: Sun Feb 07, 2021 11:28 pmI say, "I don't have to be nice...
I'm pretty sure God has a different opinion about that.

Now based on what you said it does seem she was not being nice, and it's human nature to respond in kind. Being nice when she is not being nice is difficult, but I think it's what we are called to do and be.

I'm not trying to take her side here, I'm just suggesting that being "nicer" will have a positive effect on the household.
Happily married for 36 years and living the good life near two of our grandsons!

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olafthewise
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Re: You’re not alone...say hi

Post by olafthewise »

Now that we have that bag opened; Being nice: clerk in a store says to you, "what do you want?" or "can I help you?" The latter is obviously polite the other not.
But if my wife says "you did that wrong!" and I respond saying, "no, I did not!" She then says I was being mean or stern, which means to me that I cannot respond to such disrespectful speech and the discussion stops because she is right, I am wrong.
Or...
I could take a different approach by saying to her; "you are in no position to criticize me!!" This would be mean.
Or I can say, "that was disrespectful!" or I feel....like you are belittling me, or can we talk about this later? Tried them all, failed.
My mother would never have spoken to my dad in a manner of disrespect. She would tell him her feelings and he would respond and he was not a nice guy.
I tell my wife something was disrespectful and she says she is sick of hearing that. So we are at an impass.
She believes she holds the high ground on emotional issues. I get the; carry dirt, fix the fence, fix the car, fix the printer, program the microwave clock but don't ever give an opinion on love or feelings, that's her dept.
At this point I have no way of winning other than biblical stuff on respect, but in that case she would bring up all my past sin...so at our age and my all my failures in my career, she's got the winning edge and there's nothing I can do about it. (unless you all have any ideas, I'm real open to them)
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PaulB
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Re: You’re not alone...say hi

Post by PaulB »

olafthewise wrote: Mon Feb 08, 2021 9:12 pmBut if my wife says "you did that wrong!" and I respond saying, "no, I did not!" She then says I was being mean or stern, which means to me that I cannot respond to such disrespectful speech and the discussion stops because she is right, I am wrong.
Depending on how you say it, she might be right. If you calmly say "No, I don't think I did." and she still says you are being mean, then yeah, it's her.
olafthewise wrote: Mon Feb 08, 2021 9:12 pm I could take a different approach by saying to her; "you are in no position to criticize me!!" This would be mean.
Or I can say, "that was disrespectful!" or I feel....like you are belittling me, or can we talk about this later? Tried them all, failed.
Again, how you say it matters. If you really are nice about it, then it's time to get some third party help. But from your words I'm betting your first reaction is rough. Of course, she has primed you for that, and doing better will take some real effort.
olafthewise wrote: Mon Feb 08, 2021 9:12 pm (unless you all have any ideas, I'm real open to them)
Be nice even when she doesn't deserve it. Choose to be the change in your marriage, and be ready go it alone for a good while. If you do really well for six months and she makes not change in respionce, then get help.
Happily married for 36 years and living the good life near two of our grandsons!

Marriage and Sex Educator & Blogger
The Generous HusbandThe XY Code
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