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Whose job is it?

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SeekingChange
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Whose job is it?

Post by SeekingChange »

Our parents are getting to the age where this is becoming more of a reality, and a plan would be a good idea.

Whose job is it to take care of aging parents? Do you have any Biblical backing for your belief?

Have you, or did you if your parents have passed, made a plan as a couple on how to take care of your parents? What is/was your plan? Did a plan vs reality differ? Did/does your plan differ depending upon which parent it is?
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, to find comfort, to survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years... and then she did something new.
Brynna
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Re: Whose job is it?

Post by Brynna »

In our home, I think we would feel that DH is responsible for his parents and I am for mine. However, we both have several siblings and don't live by either of our parents or families.

With my parents, its a known thing to do what we can to keep them living in their own home, then see from there. That's as far as our plan goes. Due to lockdowns, DH hasn't been able to go see his for a couple years. And I doubt DH would have any say over what his siblings would do with his mom, as his dad has passed.
sd595
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Re: Whose job is it?

Post by sd595 »

This one is a tough one for me because of the challenges we have had with all of our parent relationships. There is a lot of toxicity there and it has taken me and my wife many years to navigate. So on one side of this coin, I know that to bring anyone into my house would require a huge amount of strength in holding true to what is not toxic. This is a situation that somewhat solves itself because none of them would be willing to live right in my home and so they wouldn't want to unless it was the last possible option. Then there is the "we are called to live in peace".

With that said, one has to do the good that one can do and the bible has a verse that talks about how low someone is who doesn't even take care of their family, so I believe there is a responsibility there. I think this is one of those what good can you do type of things? If you can, I would say it is good.

Aging can be a very challenging thing; I've known many people who have struggled so much taking care of aging relatives.
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newwifenewlife
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Re: Whose job is it?

Post by newwifenewlife »

My wife and I are having those questions and hope to move closer at some point to them. Our parents are 2-3 states away in neighboring states but a 400 and 625 mile drive away. DW helped me have a convo with my parents and the goal is staying in place for as long as possible which they could do more than her parents due to their style of house (1 floor/no basement) and lack of property (vs her parents having small farm acreage, wood heat reliant, 2 story + basement).

DW feels a deep responsible for potentially caring for hers but I’m not sure how realistic that is as their care demands increase given that she’ll be working for our future while I’ll be in retirement by then. We are considering what our next housing might look like whenever we move to potentially allow for either set of parents to live with us until the care is too much for us to do.

Scripturally it’s a good thing to honor your parents. Does that include providing end of life care? I’m not sure about that. Some people have the skills, time, physical, emotionally, and/or financial ability to do so and others do not. People are living longer while their bodies or minds are not as capable. When that crosses over so the care becomes impossible to do so physically, financially, even emotionally, professional care is critical…and expensive. We’d like to make sure that our parents can stay in place and independent as long as they can. How will it impact the people in the house? Are relationships with parents, spouse or in-laws already strained?
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Love and Theft
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Re: Whose job is it?

Post by Love and Theft »

I took charge of my father's financial details and interacted with health professionals when he went into a nursing facility, because I was the child who lived closest to him and because I was most motivated to do it. Taking care of him was my way of getting closer to him and I wouldn't trade those 3-4 years for anything.

My wife was fully supportive of me but I never thought of it as a team thing. It was a lot of paperwork and phone calls and managing his check book and cleaning out his apartment and visiting him and traveling to his city, usually by myself. We never had a plan in place, we just met each challenge as it came up.
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Olorin
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Re: Whose job is it?

Post by Olorin »

My DW was invaluable in helping my mother while she was being treated for cancer. After my mother passed, my father needed to eventually move into an assisted living facility due to a progressive condition similar to Parkinson's disease. He moved close to us, and she took him to doctor's appointments, and brought him things when he needed them (toiletries, etc.), and visited him frequently. I, of course, helped out by handling discussions with caregivers, and along with my sister helped with the legal and financial matters, but I don't know what I would have done without the enormous help my DW provided. She is really an angel! While he was still healthy enough to get out, she would often pick him up and take him out to lunch. All this was happening in 2019 right before COVID hit. She continued to help out during the pandemic, within the limitations imposed by the assisted living facility.

Also during 2019, DW began caring for her parents who moved into a senior living community about two minutes from where my father was living. Her dad passed in August of 2020, and now she spends time caring for her mother, who is in pretty excellent health for someone who is 89. We take her to church, bring her over to our house at least once or twice a week for a meal, take her shopping, etc.

I think both of us feel that helping our parents is part of 'honoring your father and mother'. Also, I feel we are lucky in that both sets of parents were excellent supporters of our marriage and kids, and while they were living they were an integral part of our family's life. We cherish the time we spend with DW's mother, and still feel the void left by the passing of my parents and her father.
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